It's cold here in Singapore tonight, even though we're practically experiencing summer all year round. It's the time of the year they call the "monsoon season". We get showers and cold weather almost everyday. And here in the comfort of my warm and snugly bed, I am thankful for what I'm able to enjoy. For those who are not as fortunate as I am, my heart goes out to you - anyone in this world who may feel a little too cold tonight; in body or in heart. Regardless where you are on this Christmas night, I genuinely wish you a Merry Christmas and all the best for your future endeavours.
I was never the religious sort of guy. I respect that some people have strong beliefs in their religion, but that is not me. Lately Christmas has become more of a festive celebration than of a religious kind of thing - and it's good. I love Christmas. I love the festival not because of any religious reason but solely because it's a season of giving, and people generally become nicer to others, even if they sometimes forget that they should be throughout the year. I believe that if we can receive, we can give. We need not be the most fortunate of people to give, I've noticed. What is most important is a heart that wants to give, and your actions will do the rest. The best things in life come free to us.
Perhaps I'm facing some sort of a quarter-life crisis. I think too much, experience too little, spend most of my time alone, and can't decide on what's important for me and what's not. Yet despite all these things, I don't feel lost. I feel like there's something cohesive in my life, but I can't figure out what it is. The dilemma has presented itself.
Am I asking for too much, or am I not asking enough?
Gone were the days where everything was planned out for me right before I plunge into it. I never had to make many particularly grave decisions for the past 20 years of my life. If security and stability were the characteristics of adolescence, I enjoyed the full show. Now I understand why some people never want to grow up. The responsibilities that ensue are far too overbearing. But to be a superhero, I must overcome this conundrum. Life itself is a puzzle, a riddle, and a roller-coaster ride altogether.
Next year's Christmas is going to be different. I know it's gonna be. It could be merrier or lonelier, but it's all up to me. Oh, and it's gonna be one of my firsts as a certified adult.
In warmth or in cold, in youth or in age, in wealth or in debt, in joy or in grief, in love or in solitude, in peace or at war, in comfort or in pain, have yourself a merry little Christmas - because everybody deserves to be remembered and celebrated.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Where is my Main Course?
It's supposedly the end of the world today, it seems.
Now that we've covered the obvious, let's move on with our lives.
It's my first weekend after starting work. I could get used to this, really, like how I'll set my alarm at 6 a.m. the next morning and then lie to myself and say, "Nah, it's not a day for running." And then I plop right back to sleep till 7. Yes, I woke up at 10 today.
Of the little things in life like being able to wake up late, having a wonderful breakfast, having the time to write this post, I ought to be grateful, and you should, too. Because apparently, we're not. We're one of the most unhappy people in the world; even more so ludicrous that we're ranked behind some less developed nations. Truly, we do have many things to be happy about, but why are we not?
On the taxi yesterday, 2 of my new colleagues and I agreed that the disparity in expectations has made us "grouchy", "ungrateful", and yea, "unhappy". Look at us - we're not war-torn, nor do we have natural disasters, and we certainly don't have dark alleys full of thugs carrying machine guns and going around terrorising kindergartens in the neighbourhood. Most of us have food on the table everyday. Almost everyone owns a mobile phone (and a majority of us including myself is holding a smart/android phone, mind you), and computers, internet connection, cars and high-rise buildings are prevalent. Then why the hell are we "unhappy"? Are we really having "first world problems"?
Why do I have to eat at the cafeteria that serves horrible lunch when I can get better food out there? Why is my 3G connection so weak? Why does this YouTube video take forever to load? Why don't they have hot water at this restaurant? Why do I have to wait so long to buy a flat? Why do I have so much homework? Why does this trip to Europe cost so much? Why doesn't the lift serve every floor? Why is there no air-con in this place? Why is my computer so slow?
While being an entirely obedient and mindless nation, where we never question the rationale behind the things we do, is not the ideal, we cannot be a nation that is whining at every single inconvenience that is present. We need to achieve an intricate balance such that even though we expect high standards of living for ourselves, we are grateful for the privileges in life that frankly only a few developed nations can enjoy. We only frustrate at how long the restaurant takes to serve us when we know that that is not the norm, and that they can do better. Expectations change our perspective and outlook on certain things in life, and that is okay. What is not okay is taking it out on the waiter/waitress by lashing at him/her, and then threaten to lodge a complain, or never to return to that particular restaurant ever again.
My point is, we are not unhappy. We are people who have seen standards, and naturally expect the same, if not more. If I went to a 5-star hotel I would expect what they promised to deliver. And if they don't, I'm won't be satisfied. If you call that being unhappy, then so be it.
Different living conditions call for different expectations. If you compare across the board with the living standards of say, Singapore, and that of nations with similar affluence, then it would be fair. If we're asked on how well the services at our hospitals are, to that in, say, Ethiopia, we would probably comment about how we have to wait so long for our turn, while those in Ethiopia who don't have the luxury of that to complain about, would accept that the presence of a hospital with modern state-of-the-art facilities is indeed a luxury to them. Naturally, an Ethiopian would think that free vaccination is a gift sent from above, while we expect it to be given to us. And that is how pampered we are. When we don't get that, we become "unhappy".
Yes, my fellow Singaporeans, let's learn to be appreciative of what we have. We can expect, but don't ask for the sky and get angry because it didn't go your way. Perhaps when we can be more understanding and grateful, we would be "happier" than our neighbours.
Now that we've covered the obvious, let's move on with our lives.
It's my first weekend after starting work. I could get used to this, really, like how I'll set my alarm at 6 a.m. the next morning and then lie to myself and say, "Nah, it's not a day for running." And then I plop right back to sleep till 7. Yes, I woke up at 10 today.
Of the little things in life like being able to wake up late, having a wonderful breakfast, having the time to write this post, I ought to be grateful, and you should, too. Because apparently, we're not. We're one of the most unhappy people in the world; even more so ludicrous that we're ranked behind some less developed nations. Truly, we do have many things to be happy about, but why are we not?
On the taxi yesterday, 2 of my new colleagues and I agreed that the disparity in expectations has made us "grouchy", "ungrateful", and yea, "unhappy". Look at us - we're not war-torn, nor do we have natural disasters, and we certainly don't have dark alleys full of thugs carrying machine guns and going around terrorising kindergartens in the neighbourhood. Most of us have food on the table everyday. Almost everyone owns a mobile phone (and a majority of us including myself is holding a smart/android phone, mind you), and computers, internet connection, cars and high-rise buildings are prevalent. Then why the hell are we "unhappy"? Are we really having "first world problems"?
Why do I have to eat at the cafeteria that serves horrible lunch when I can get better food out there? Why is my 3G connection so weak? Why does this YouTube video take forever to load? Why don't they have hot water at this restaurant? Why do I have to wait so long to buy a flat? Why do I have so much homework? Why does this trip to Europe cost so much? Why doesn't the lift serve every floor? Why is there no air-con in this place? Why is my computer so slow?
While being an entirely obedient and mindless nation, where we never question the rationale behind the things we do, is not the ideal, we cannot be a nation that is whining at every single inconvenience that is present. We need to achieve an intricate balance such that even though we expect high standards of living for ourselves, we are grateful for the privileges in life that frankly only a few developed nations can enjoy. We only frustrate at how long the restaurant takes to serve us when we know that that is not the norm, and that they can do better. Expectations change our perspective and outlook on certain things in life, and that is okay. What is not okay is taking it out on the waiter/waitress by lashing at him/her, and then threaten to lodge a complain, or never to return to that particular restaurant ever again.
My point is, we are not unhappy. We are people who have seen standards, and naturally expect the same, if not more. If I went to a 5-star hotel I would expect what they promised to deliver. And if they don't, I'm won't be satisfied. If you call that being unhappy, then so be it.
Different living conditions call for different expectations. If you compare across the board with the living standards of say, Singapore, and that of nations with similar affluence, then it would be fair. If we're asked on how well the services at our hospitals are, to that in, say, Ethiopia, we would probably comment about how we have to wait so long for our turn, while those in Ethiopia who don't have the luxury of that to complain about, would accept that the presence of a hospital with modern state-of-the-art facilities is indeed a luxury to them. Naturally, an Ethiopian would think that free vaccination is a gift sent from above, while we expect it to be given to us. And that is how pampered we are. When we don't get that, we become "unhappy".
Yes, my fellow Singaporeans, let's learn to be appreciative of what we have. We can expect, but don't ask for the sky and get angry because it didn't go your way. Perhaps when we can be more understanding and grateful, we would be "happier" than our neighbours.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Excited
I'll be adding another entry to the "list of firsts" tomorrow. It's my first proper job experience, and indubitably a milestone towards adulthood.
I know we've always faced expectations from ourselves and other people. As far as I am concerned, I believe that self-discipline is the only way a person can excel in life. Whether or not you succeed is independent of the expectations others have of you, but the ones you have for yourself. Nobody should tell you how well you should do. If you don't want to, I don't believe anyone can make you. External pressure can only make you more determined at best, but ultimately it is you who have to act out to achieve. That is why when we sometimes see people not achieving their potentials, we get exasperated. Nothing wrong with that - it's just, these people have to find their own way to shine, if they ever want to.
Oh, by the way, I am super excited for my first day at work tomorrow :)
I know we've always faced expectations from ourselves and other people. As far as I am concerned, I believe that self-discipline is the only way a person can excel in life. Whether or not you succeed is independent of the expectations others have of you, but the ones you have for yourself. Nobody should tell you how well you should do. If you don't want to, I don't believe anyone can make you. External pressure can only make you more determined at best, but ultimately it is you who have to act out to achieve. That is why when we sometimes see people not achieving their potentials, we get exasperated. Nothing wrong with that - it's just, these people have to find their own way to shine, if they ever want to.
Oh, by the way, I am super excited for my first day at work tomorrow :)
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The Void
Some people may see me as more of a person on the "emo" side; which is perfectly fine with me. I don't deny that that I am emotional, think too much, feel more than the ordinary would, and probably partially depressing to be around. I can be crazily noisy but I'm mostly quiet and reserved. There are tons of things I've thought of saying to many people in my life but still don't have the courage to do so. And trust me, I'm not that depressed as to having such a bleak outlook to life that I slit myself and all that sort of shit. In fact, I'm not even near that.
While being perennially downcast can be seen as a psychological problem, being completely and obsessively happy should be considered one as well. Extremity in almost anything in life is potentially devastating. How can anyone be always either happy or sad? From a parallel perspective, this exhibits a devoid of emotion, so much so that there is no more capacity to feel otherwise. I am not trying to go all philosophical on you but in my most honest opinion, if you don't know everything about someone's life (which you never will, 'cos that would be creepy), don't judge them. I'm just saying.
But no, I'm not emo. I'm just a... feeler? (is there such a word?)
To prove it, I am OVER THE MOON that I got offered the position I interviewed for!! How's that?! Some happiness to throw in the faces of all you judgmental people. Ha.
Here's one advice - I know it's important to stay positive but there's a difference between positivity and forcing yourself to be happy. We are human beings, capable of feeling. We give, we take; we love, we hate. We can express whatever emotion we want, because our life would be an empty canvas without these various emotions to decorate it with. So go on, stop torturing yourself. You deserve better.
While being perennially downcast can be seen as a psychological problem, being completely and obsessively happy should be considered one as well. Extremity in almost anything in life is potentially devastating. How can anyone be always either happy or sad? From a parallel perspective, this exhibits a devoid of emotion, so much so that there is no more capacity to feel otherwise. I am not trying to go all philosophical on you but in my most honest opinion, if you don't know everything about someone's life (which you never will, 'cos that would be creepy), don't judge them. I'm just saying.
But no, I'm not emo. I'm just a... feeler? (is there such a word?)
To prove it, I am OVER THE MOON that I got offered the position I interviewed for!! How's that?! Some happiness to throw in the faces of all you judgmental people. Ha.
Here's one advice - I know it's important to stay positive but there's a difference between positivity and forcing yourself to be happy. We are human beings, capable of feeling. We give, we take; we love, we hate. We can express whatever emotion we want, because our life would be an empty canvas without these various emotions to decorate it with. So go on, stop torturing yourself. You deserve better.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Moving Right Along
Well, I guess this is it. Tomorrow is officially my last day in the military uniform (for now).
There are many reasons to celebrate everyday; some days you just have more, some days not so much. But I believe that if a person can find something to be happy and positive about everyday, the person is truly leading a grateful life. I'll admit I'm not there yet, but I hope to be this person one day.
Tomorrow is coincidentally one of those days with double happiness (I hope). It's my ORD, and also the day I will know if I get selected for a job I interviewed for. I sincerely hope that everything goes well for me. There is nothing happier than an occasion like this, and I consequently need to make sure that nothing brings down my spirits.
Throughout this 1 year 10 months, there has been good and tough times. I'm not sure if I can recount every single one of them. Probably just the more prominent ones, or the ones I choose to remember. I've also made so many new friends throughout this span of time, most of which whom I might never have thought would be. So I guess the experience of it all makes it pretty worthwhile. No doubt I've learned a huge ton from this organisation, but it's through the hard way. Things weren't always smooth-sailing; in fact, I'd say things were never smooth-sailing. We lived in a situation of constant remedy - at the edge. We would put out fires wherever they sprouted. It's tiring. Maybe I wasn't good enough, but as far as I'm concerned, I'll never let anyone else judge me. I am the way I am, and I won't change myself just because you think I should.
Just like most things in life, we come and go, we're created and expired. There's always an end to everything. Tomorrow marks the end of one chapter of my life - I'd like to call it a milestone. I'm happy not because it ended, I'm happy because it happened. I'm sad not because it ended, I'm sad because it doesn't feel like it ended right. But at this point of time, any sort of resistance or lingering is futile, and so is disappointment. I had my time, I had my way, I had my joy, and now it's time for change.
It still feels so surreal. It's like I'm at the end of a very good book, and I know it's going to end, so it means that I have to move on to something else. I'm not the kind of person who's receptive to change, but I will try to embrace it gracefully. If you ask me, and with my most earnest and honest heart, I'll tell you that I love my job. I won't lie about this. And I guess it's pretty apparent, judging from how hard I've tried to contribute. I just don't like the place, and sometimes the people. I love how I can help so many people, but I hate how these people are a mere fraction of those genuinely needy. I love to tell others that things are possible, but I hate how most of the times the decisions don't lie with me. I love to see people happy with the things they do like I am, but I hate to face the truth that despite conscientious efforts to effect change, an immovable object is after all, an immovable object. Or perhaps the object is movable; I just may not have the chance to hang around that long to witness it happen.
Probably as succinctly as I can put it: I found love in a hopeless place.
Nothing can hold me back now. The path ahead is clear, and the skies are bright. Another phase in life begins and awaits exploration. I just need the strength to do this all over again.
There are many reasons to celebrate everyday; some days you just have more, some days not so much. But I believe that if a person can find something to be happy and positive about everyday, the person is truly leading a grateful life. I'll admit I'm not there yet, but I hope to be this person one day.
Tomorrow is coincidentally one of those days with double happiness (I hope). It's my ORD, and also the day I will know if I get selected for a job I interviewed for. I sincerely hope that everything goes well for me. There is nothing happier than an occasion like this, and I consequently need to make sure that nothing brings down my spirits.
Throughout this 1 year 10 months, there has been good and tough times. I'm not sure if I can recount every single one of them. Probably just the more prominent ones, or the ones I choose to remember. I've also made so many new friends throughout this span of time, most of which whom I might never have thought would be. So I guess the experience of it all makes it pretty worthwhile. No doubt I've learned a huge ton from this organisation, but it's through the hard way. Things weren't always smooth-sailing; in fact, I'd say things were never smooth-sailing. We lived in a situation of constant remedy - at the edge. We would put out fires wherever they sprouted. It's tiring. Maybe I wasn't good enough, but as far as I'm concerned, I'll never let anyone else judge me. I am the way I am, and I won't change myself just because you think I should.
Just like most things in life, we come and go, we're created and expired. There's always an end to everything. Tomorrow marks the end of one chapter of my life - I'd like to call it a milestone. I'm happy not because it ended, I'm happy because it happened. I'm sad not because it ended, I'm sad because it doesn't feel like it ended right. But at this point of time, any sort of resistance or lingering is futile, and so is disappointment. I had my time, I had my way, I had my joy, and now it's time for change.
It still feels so surreal. It's like I'm at the end of a very good book, and I know it's going to end, so it means that I have to move on to something else. I'm not the kind of person who's receptive to change, but I will try to embrace it gracefully. If you ask me, and with my most earnest and honest heart, I'll tell you that I love my job. I won't lie about this. And I guess it's pretty apparent, judging from how hard I've tried to contribute. I just don't like the place, and sometimes the people. I love how I can help so many people, but I hate how these people are a mere fraction of those genuinely needy. I love to tell others that things are possible, but I hate how most of the times the decisions don't lie with me. I love to see people happy with the things they do like I am, but I hate to face the truth that despite conscientious efforts to effect change, an immovable object is after all, an immovable object. Or perhaps the object is movable; I just may not have the chance to hang around that long to witness it happen.
Probably as succinctly as I can put it: I found love in a hopeless place.
Nothing can hold me back now. The path ahead is clear, and the skies are bright. Another phase in life begins and awaits exploration. I just need the strength to do this all over again.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Do You?
Nobody really wants to be alone.
Sure, sometimes we want to be left alone, to have some peace and quiet alone, to spend some "alone time", but for most parts, we fear loneliness.
Sure, sometimes we want to be left alone, to have some peace and quiet alone, to spend some "alone time", but for most parts, we fear loneliness.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Gratitude
Finally, I have something happy to write about.
This weekend was simply blissful. I got to meet up with my BMT section mates and the two people I've hung out with for a very long time now. 2 entirely different groups of people, but they somehow manage to bring out a joy in me that I haven't felt in a while.
First, the 5th Coy bunch. Meeting up with them was definitely delightful. All we had was a simple lunch (and some negligent LAN), but it was still amazing. We sat down and talked about the times in BMT, our lives now and later, who's doing what and other funny stuff. But there was just this inexplicable joy that felt so natural and genuine, like it was radiating from all of us. We were exulting our imminent ORD, and couldn't be more elated about it.
And then there was dinner with Red Sotong. I can't believe it's already almost 8 years. I mean, we hang out and do dinner all the time, but I'm not sure if it was my lifted spirits that particular day that I felt a deep sense of gratitude. I know we will always be friends, regardless where we end up in the future. Don't ask me how I know; I just do.
It's true that people come and go in our lives; in primary school we had friends, in secondary school we had friends, and in tertiary we had friends. Few and far between actually survive the arduous test of time and remain friends with you till today. You see, friends don't come into our lives and stay naturally. We have to make an effort to stay that way. You will never have lasting friends if you "can't spare an hour for lunch 'cos I gotta study", or "it's too far for me", or "nah, that sounds boring". These are the people who are at best ephemeral, but that doesn't mean they're not friends. They were, albeit not the permanent kind. Bottom line is: people don't stay friends if they take each other for granted. Time, distance, even money, can test our friendships but nothing beats commitment.
And perhaps it's the season of thanksgiving that has put me in such a mood for gratitude. But we don't have to wait for someone (or a festival) to tell us that we need to be thankful. I am extremely grateful to have wonderful friends, regardless close or distant, and I hope you feel the same way too. After hearing during the gathering what the other guys had to go through, I have to say I'm extremely fortunate to be given what I have, and doing what I'm doing. I forgot to be thankful for the things that I have that others don't, because comparison got the better of me. I remember my MSN display picture says this - Work Hard and Be Nice to People. I can't say for sure if I've lived up to that, and I'm ashamed if I haven't, but I swear I'm trying my best. We all get a little lost somewhere along the way. We just gotta find ourselves back and live by our motto.
I'm bracing myself for a new phase in life, and I can't wait.
This weekend was simply blissful. I got to meet up with my BMT section mates and the two people I've hung out with for a very long time now. 2 entirely different groups of people, but they somehow manage to bring out a joy in me that I haven't felt in a while.
First, the 5th Coy bunch. Meeting up with them was definitely delightful. All we had was a simple lunch (and some negligent LAN), but it was still amazing. We sat down and talked about the times in BMT, our lives now and later, who's doing what and other funny stuff. But there was just this inexplicable joy that felt so natural and genuine, like it was radiating from all of us. We were exulting our imminent ORD, and couldn't be more elated about it.
And then there was dinner with Red Sotong. I can't believe it's already almost 8 years. I mean, we hang out and do dinner all the time, but I'm not sure if it was my lifted spirits that particular day that I felt a deep sense of gratitude. I know we will always be friends, regardless where we end up in the future. Don't ask me how I know; I just do.
It's true that people come and go in our lives; in primary school we had friends, in secondary school we had friends, and in tertiary we had friends. Few and far between actually survive the arduous test of time and remain friends with you till today. You see, friends don't come into our lives and stay naturally. We have to make an effort to stay that way. You will never have lasting friends if you "can't spare an hour for lunch 'cos I gotta study", or "it's too far for me", or "nah, that sounds boring". These are the people who are at best ephemeral, but that doesn't mean they're not friends. They were, albeit not the permanent kind. Bottom line is: people don't stay friends if they take each other for granted. Time, distance, even money, can test our friendships but nothing beats commitment.
And perhaps it's the season of thanksgiving that has put me in such a mood for gratitude. But we don't have to wait for someone (or a festival) to tell us that we need to be thankful. I am extremely grateful to have wonderful friends, regardless close or distant, and I hope you feel the same way too. After hearing during the gathering what the other guys had to go through, I have to say I'm extremely fortunate to be given what I have, and doing what I'm doing. I forgot to be thankful for the things that I have that others don't, because comparison got the better of me. I remember my MSN display picture says this - Work Hard and Be Nice to People. I can't say for sure if I've lived up to that, and I'm ashamed if I haven't, but I swear I'm trying my best. We all get a little lost somewhere along the way. We just gotta find ourselves back and live by our motto.
I'm bracing myself for a new phase in life, and I can't wait.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
RAWR - Read and Write Rubbish
I don't understand how this relationship works. Someone seriously needs to enlighten me how things can spin so out of control, when they are supposed to be locked down so securely at this point in time. I can literally feel my emotions swirling inside of me - a feeling I've come to accept as slightly ominous - and I feel like logic, sanity, and reality have all been taken over by an inner rage that was definitely not developed in any short period of time. Yes, apparently, I have anger management issues.
I live by a principle that perhaps most people don't agree with; and that's okay. I understand that I will never be able to please everyone in life. No doubt I will try, but I will not change who I am to accommodate you, and that's that. Conformity was never my strength, and never will be. If this somehow irritates or disturbs you on unbearable levels, I can only humbly apologise. My attitude towards excellence I will keep, and you can keep you own set of values.
We've all made mistakes. Perhaps I was too harsh, or I really do have anger management issues I refuse to admit to, but it didn't feel like an outburst. I meant every single word of it and I wouldn't retract them, even if given a second chance. Now that you see who I really am, I'm sorry to disappoint.
I am currently filled with utter disgust, although the aforementioned episode does not contribute entirely to this epic detest. I always thought that as long as we have a certain sense of logic and empathy, life can be made easier for everyone. I thought wrong. There are pretty insistent people out there who are one-track-minded, delusional to any explanation or attempts of logical persuasion. Instead, they hold true to their warped beliefs and ideals that frankly, serve no purposes and do no justice to absolutely anyone. I will present my case because I speak not only for myself, but for the people who have been so blatantly discredited because we are unconventional. I don't blame you for the prejudice; I always knew such sort of things existed, but to be a victim of it is a very sucky feeling, and I hope you can understand that. I swear I will fight to the ends of the earth to protect the most basic dignity of the victims, and I will not rest until you see my point. After that, if you still cannot accept my point of view, I will not insist on my ideals anymore. Such is not my style.
This month, ironically, has been rather eventful for me. I was hoping for something less melodramatic but I guess I'll have to take whatever comes - like how I've been dealing with all sorts of crap hurled at me all this time. It's good training.
On top of the unexpected saga, I am also pondering and contemplating on more civilian issues that press closer as I inch toward D-Day. Job applications, reapplication for Uni, thanks to my scumbag brain that can't seem to determine what I really want to do, management of my own finances, et cetera. I'd listen to my heart, but I can't seem to hear a thing. Don't ask me why I'm so indecisive. I can't fathom what I truly want as well.
However, amidst all this mess, there are still things that I am grateful for, like a rather high degree of freedom, and a relatively stress-free environment. I still appreciate the little moments in life where I can sip on my coffee and have nice long conversations with my friends. Such moments transcend all sorts of bullshit, and I am earnestly thankful for that.
Anyway, thanks for reading my crap.
I live by a principle that perhaps most people don't agree with; and that's okay. I understand that I will never be able to please everyone in life. No doubt I will try, but I will not change who I am to accommodate you, and that's that. Conformity was never my strength, and never will be. If this somehow irritates or disturbs you on unbearable levels, I can only humbly apologise. My attitude towards excellence I will keep, and you can keep you own set of values.
We've all made mistakes. Perhaps I was too harsh, or I really do have anger management issues I refuse to admit to, but it didn't feel like an outburst. I meant every single word of it and I wouldn't retract them, even if given a second chance. Now that you see who I really am, I'm sorry to disappoint.
I am currently filled with utter disgust, although the aforementioned episode does not contribute entirely to this epic detest. I always thought that as long as we have a certain sense of logic and empathy, life can be made easier for everyone. I thought wrong. There are pretty insistent people out there who are one-track-minded, delusional to any explanation or attempts of logical persuasion. Instead, they hold true to their warped beliefs and ideals that frankly, serve no purposes and do no justice to absolutely anyone. I will present my case because I speak not only for myself, but for the people who have been so blatantly discredited because we are unconventional. I don't blame you for the prejudice; I always knew such sort of things existed, but to be a victim of it is a very sucky feeling, and I hope you can understand that. I swear I will fight to the ends of the earth to protect the most basic dignity of the victims, and I will not rest until you see my point. After that, if you still cannot accept my point of view, I will not insist on my ideals anymore. Such is not my style.
This month, ironically, has been rather eventful for me. I was hoping for something less melodramatic but I guess I'll have to take whatever comes - like how I've been dealing with all sorts of crap hurled at me all this time. It's good training.
On top of the unexpected saga, I am also pondering and contemplating on more civilian issues that press closer as I inch toward D-Day. Job applications, reapplication for Uni, thanks to my scumbag brain that can't seem to determine what I really want to do, management of my own finances, et cetera. I'd listen to my heart, but I can't seem to hear a thing. Don't ask me why I'm so indecisive. I can't fathom what I truly want as well.
However, amidst all this mess, there are still things that I am grateful for, like a rather high degree of freedom, and a relatively stress-free environment. I still appreciate the little moments in life where I can sip on my coffee and have nice long conversations with my friends. Such moments transcend all sorts of bullshit, and I am earnestly thankful for that.
Anyway, thanks for reading my crap.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Read My Lips
I'm one of those who believe that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps some people will call us delusional for trying to forcefully fix some explanation onto every important occurrence in our lives, but I still want to believe that everything has a purpose.
We've all made bad decisions before. At my age I wouldn't say that any of them were bad life decisions, but come to think of it, they somehow affect my life in a way or another, so technically, I can call them bad life decisions, can't I? Bad life decisions often come with utter regret and unwarranted nostalgia. You can't control it - some things can be redone or undone, while others are probably lost forever - but you can't stop yourself from thinking what could have happened, or what would have happened if you acted otherwise. It's human nature, and if I must say, it's probably one of those traits that make us human. To err and to regret, to truly feel for something or wanna change things. Truth is, we'll never know what will indeed happen; but it's alright. We could think: "Damn, it could have turned out that way...", but we will never know if it really does happen according to plan. And perhaps we should learn to embrace this mystery, an unknown, best left to our vivid imagination and fantasies.
I don't know about you, but can we really totally, completely and entirely forget one person? I mean, we were not mere acquaintances. Maybe we were, and I took it a little more than it could have been, but honestly, even if it wasn't something, it definitely wasn't nothing as well. Part of me tries hard to forget this brief episode, but part of me clings on to it like a grown-up looking through his high school yearbook. Don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to dig up the past or anything. It's just, it occurred to me - in my dreams, to be exact - that I actually wanted something more. But I wasn't brave enough. I thought it was a mistake. In fact, I still believe it's a mistake. I couldn't do it, and you and I both know why. But then again, I'll never know if it truly is a mistake unless it really does happen. That's the beauty of the mystery.
At the end of the day, the most I can do is to wallow in self-pity. A decision I came to rue, I guess, but right now I don't have the energy nor passion left to rekindle this. It happened for a reason that I'll never know, and it's best kept that way. I could regret how I pushed you away and rejected affection, how I should have took the hint, how I should have held your hand, how I should have pulled you in closer, how I should have manned-up and challenged it. For all you know, I wasn't ready for that. Or it could be even simpler - I didn't want you bad enough. I think you would rather I thought the former, but it's over. I'm over it.
We've all made bad decisions before. At my age I wouldn't say that any of them were bad life decisions, but come to think of it, they somehow affect my life in a way or another, so technically, I can call them bad life decisions, can't I? Bad life decisions often come with utter regret and unwarranted nostalgia. You can't control it - some things can be redone or undone, while others are probably lost forever - but you can't stop yourself from thinking what could have happened, or what would have happened if you acted otherwise. It's human nature, and if I must say, it's probably one of those traits that make us human. To err and to regret, to truly feel for something or wanna change things. Truth is, we'll never know what will indeed happen; but it's alright. We could think: "Damn, it could have turned out that way...", but we will never know if it really does happen according to plan. And perhaps we should learn to embrace this mystery, an unknown, best left to our vivid imagination and fantasies.
I don't know about you, but can we really totally, completely and entirely forget one person? I mean, we were not mere acquaintances. Maybe we were, and I took it a little more than it could have been, but honestly, even if it wasn't something, it definitely wasn't nothing as well. Part of me tries hard to forget this brief episode, but part of me clings on to it like a grown-up looking through his high school yearbook. Don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to dig up the past or anything. It's just, it occurred to me - in my dreams, to be exact - that I actually wanted something more. But I wasn't brave enough. I thought it was a mistake. In fact, I still believe it's a mistake. I couldn't do it, and you and I both know why. But then again, I'll never know if it truly is a mistake unless it really does happen. That's the beauty of the mystery.
At the end of the day, the most I can do is to wallow in self-pity. A decision I came to rue, I guess, but right now I don't have the energy nor passion left to rekindle this. It happened for a reason that I'll never know, and it's best kept that way. I could regret how I pushed you away and rejected affection, how I should have took the hint, how I should have held your hand, how I should have pulled you in closer, how I should have manned-up and challenged it. For all you know, I wasn't ready for that. Or it could be even simpler - I didn't want you bad enough. I think you would rather I thought the former, but it's over. I'm over it.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Good For You
A time will come when the choice to care is not with you anymore - it's not that you don't; you simply can't.
For the minute I just wanna shut my eyes and ears to be oblivious to all the gossip and small talk. My time here is done, and my days are over. Some day I will look back and tell myself: "Hey, you made it!".
For the minute I just wanna shut my eyes and ears to be oblivious to all the gossip and small talk. My time here is done, and my days are over. Some day I will look back and tell myself: "Hey, you made it!".
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Almost There
I will not complain one single bit for all my remaining time in here. I never understood the rationale of complaining. I mean, what do you expect the person listening to the complaint to do? Solve the problem? Make you less whiny? In any sense, it involves compromising the person's happiness and transferring it to you. I hope you're happy, because if you're not, while trying to make a hell out of someone else's life, I pity whoever that is.
It's about time. Some 1 month left before I leave this place for even more mundane things. I am very unprepared for whatever is coming next, and I hope there's nothing I can do about it because I am simply too lazy to do it if there was something. Damn it. Before I realise, this seemingly arduous journey is going to end. We all know how time flies.
It's about time. Some 1 month left before I leave this place for even more mundane things. I am very unprepared for whatever is coming next, and I hope there's nothing I can do about it because I am simply too lazy to do it if there was something. Damn it. Before I realise, this seemingly arduous journey is going to end. We all know how time flies.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Answers
No doubt I'm a Top40 music kind of person. I like pop. I like the idea of current music, the ever-changing lists and rapidly replaced chart positions. You may call it "throw-away pop", but to me, every song is delightful in its way, even after a long long time - like the feeling you get when you hear "Love Story" on the radio again after all this time. The charts move, but the songs never get too old.
Lately I've heard some very mellow tunes on the radio - mostly from bands - and I must say they are very soothing to the soul. I've taken this long break to do a lot of soul-searching and self-discovery. I think we all need that time. Some alone time. I'm alone but I'm not lonely.
It has alarmed me actually, after this period of reflection, that so many people have outgrown each other. I realise how much people around me have outgrown me, in ways so fascinating that it becomes almost magical. Maybe I was too quick to judge their characters, or maybe circumstances evolve people. Either way, change is not always bad, albeit sometimes astounding. We all get used to things eventually, do we not? Ask yourself how much has changed over the years, especially your own character. While some things never change (and I am thankful for that), we are nonetheless continually compelled by our environment and other circumstances to change. It shocks me. It makes me think: "Why did I do that?"
But who is to define maturity or success? Who decides who has outgrown who? As to many other questions regarding life, the answer is often yourself.
Lately I've heard some very mellow tunes on the radio - mostly from bands - and I must say they are very soothing to the soul. I've taken this long break to do a lot of soul-searching and self-discovery. I think we all need that time. Some alone time. I'm alone but I'm not lonely.
It has alarmed me actually, after this period of reflection, that so many people have outgrown each other. I realise how much people around me have outgrown me, in ways so fascinating that it becomes almost magical. Maybe I was too quick to judge their characters, or maybe circumstances evolve people. Either way, change is not always bad, albeit sometimes astounding. We all get used to things eventually, do we not? Ask yourself how much has changed over the years, especially your own character. While some things never change (and I am thankful for that), we are nonetheless continually compelled by our environment and other circumstances to change. It shocks me. It makes me think: "Why did I do that?"
But who is to define maturity or success? Who decides who has outgrown who? As to many other questions regarding life, the answer is often yourself.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Beautiful Soul
Fuck.
What do you think about that?
You'd probably think I'm some boorish, uncouth and downright vulgar Neanderthal that can't refrain myself from spilling profanities out of my mouth. But that's exactly how first impressions work. They plant an impression into your mind subconsciously so that a rough image of someone, or something, formulates in your mind and the rest is all up to your imagination. Kinda like inception, if you ask me; and trust me, you are more susceptible to it than you think you are.
We are all partners-in-crime in making stereotypical first impressions. We can't always be blamed though, because it's a matter of self-responsibility to make impressions, and we will accept what our minds tell us, based on what we see, hear, or feel. Of course, all these are subjected to crafty manipulation. Confused?
First impressions are always stereotypical. It's a fact. I'm sure we all try, but it's hard to resist the urge to judge. We have this intrinsic ability to take in what's before our eyes and twist it into a version of ours before making us believe that that mirage is indeed a true depiction. Think talent shows - shows like The X Factor. When we watch the auditions, do we not have preconceived ideas that the young and attractive people are more likely to succeed than the occasional Susan Boyle? Even the judges themselves almost always admit that "when you come on stage, I wasn't expecting that" when a seemingly less groomed individual takes the stage - a testimony to how first impressions are so quickly formed.
Then comes the portion employing the use of "crafty manipulation". It's the act of capitalising on the fact that first impressions are rapidly formed, to create a false impression of yourself, or anything, actually. You might not notice it, but it usually works two ways - overselling and underselling. Some people try very hard to impress, and it's pretty evident, while some just want to blend into the wallpaper, although for what reason, I'll never understand. Either way, I believe they usually have vested interests in the intended portrayal of character, hence, the manipulation of our way of thinking.
Well, the whole point of this is, I'm getting somewhat tired of shallow people, and they're just so many of them. "He/She's so hot", they would say, and it's as if that's everything that ever matters. If you don't spell it out explicitly, I might even think that today's society condones impropriety if you have the looks. Apparently, it's a prerogative. Attractive people often thrive anywhere they go, and naturally so, given their endowment. I respect the fact that people groom themselves to feel better about themselves, but the advantage becomes so unfair. Unattractive people like me almost have to work harder to get certain things. I guess that's just the way it works.
What do you think about that?
You'd probably think I'm some boorish, uncouth and downright vulgar Neanderthal that can't refrain myself from spilling profanities out of my mouth. But that's exactly how first impressions work. They plant an impression into your mind subconsciously so that a rough image of someone, or something, formulates in your mind and the rest is all up to your imagination. Kinda like inception, if you ask me; and trust me, you are more susceptible to it than you think you are.
We are all partners-in-crime in making stereotypical first impressions. We can't always be blamed though, because it's a matter of self-responsibility to make impressions, and we will accept what our minds tell us, based on what we see, hear, or feel. Of course, all these are subjected to crafty manipulation. Confused?
First impressions are always stereotypical. It's a fact. I'm sure we all try, but it's hard to resist the urge to judge. We have this intrinsic ability to take in what's before our eyes and twist it into a version of ours before making us believe that that mirage is indeed a true depiction. Think talent shows - shows like The X Factor. When we watch the auditions, do we not have preconceived ideas that the young and attractive people are more likely to succeed than the occasional Susan Boyle? Even the judges themselves almost always admit that "when you come on stage, I wasn't expecting that" when a seemingly less groomed individual takes the stage - a testimony to how first impressions are so quickly formed.
Then comes the portion employing the use of "crafty manipulation". It's the act of capitalising on the fact that first impressions are rapidly formed, to create a false impression of yourself, or anything, actually. You might not notice it, but it usually works two ways - overselling and underselling. Some people try very hard to impress, and it's pretty evident, while some just want to blend into the wallpaper, although for what reason, I'll never understand. Either way, I believe they usually have vested interests in the intended portrayal of character, hence, the manipulation of our way of thinking.
Well, the whole point of this is, I'm getting somewhat tired of shallow people, and they're just so many of them. "He/She's so hot", they would say, and it's as if that's everything that ever matters. If you don't spell it out explicitly, I might even think that today's society condones impropriety if you have the looks. Apparently, it's a prerogative. Attractive people often thrive anywhere they go, and naturally so, given their endowment. I respect the fact that people groom themselves to feel better about themselves, but the advantage becomes so unfair. Unattractive people like me almost have to work harder to get certain things. I guess that's just the way it works.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Stronger
I feel so defeated. For some unknown reason I feel zest-less, lazy, unaccomplished, unmotivated, lull and deflated lately. I've been sitting around do nothing, literally. I've thought about the oh-so-many things I would do, but never had the drive to do them. I promise myself so many things but never had the decency to complete them. I don't even know why I feel this way. Emptiness.
I wonder if this would be my life 10 years down the road - unaccomplished and lonely. Life was never a bed a roses, but I can't imagine a life with nothing at all. Nothing that I yearn, no dreams, no one to depend on, no one to talk to, nothing that interests me.
Adulthood is not something that can be taught. We learn this on our own. Sure, our parents might provide insights into life and values and stuff of that sort but how much of it are we gonna absorb? We are powerful individuals - we have our own thoughts, our own decisions, and definitely our own course of actions. I've never let anyone define the way I am, not because I'm rebellious, but because if I do I know I'm just turning into a caricature of an ideal person in someone's eyes. I don't wanna live for others. I wanna live for myself and make my own choices. And sadly, even that is too hard. Mistakes and misfortunes can change a person completely, destroying any sense of self-confidence one has. It's difficult. Either we deal with it, or let it bring us down. I'm gonna tell myself everyday that there is positivity all around. People do good, people do well, and there is nothing that can deject someone that much to make him/her wanna break.
Strength. A characteristic that's present in every superhero.
I wonder if this would be my life 10 years down the road - unaccomplished and lonely. Life was never a bed a roses, but I can't imagine a life with nothing at all. Nothing that I yearn, no dreams, no one to depend on, no one to talk to, nothing that interests me.
Adulthood is not something that can be taught. We learn this on our own. Sure, our parents might provide insights into life and values and stuff of that sort but how much of it are we gonna absorb? We are powerful individuals - we have our own thoughts, our own decisions, and definitely our own course of actions. I've never let anyone define the way I am, not because I'm rebellious, but because if I do I know I'm just turning into a caricature of an ideal person in someone's eyes. I don't wanna live for others. I wanna live for myself and make my own choices. And sadly, even that is too hard. Mistakes and misfortunes can change a person completely, destroying any sense of self-confidence one has. It's difficult. Either we deal with it, or let it bring us down. I'm gonna tell myself everyday that there is positivity all around. People do good, people do well, and there is nothing that can deject someone that much to make him/her wanna break.
Strength. A characteristic that's present in every superhero.
Friday, October 12, 2012
I'd Like to Thank You
I always ask myself: how much appreciation is enough appreciation, and how much gratitude is enough gratitude?
We all have times that we feel that the effort put into a certain task was not rewarded with enough gratitude; or to put simply, we feel unappreciated. Then what exactly justifies the effort, time, money, or whatever resources we've put into the task?
The amount to appreciation we expect varies across the groups of people in our life, and if I were to formulate it, I would say it's directly proportional to the amount of obligation we feel towards the person. Certainly I wouldn't expect that much gratitude from a family member than from a complete stranger, because we know for sure that as selfish humans, it takes a lot to want to help a person who has no relation to you whatsoever, and I mean those that are not even acquaintances - like the door-to-door pedlars, or the elderly selling tissue packets.
And we all say true passion drives a person to do things without expectation of any returns, not so much as more than a "Thank You". Even the slightest, most insignificant of gesture rendered to a person as assistance should be rewarded with that.
To be honest, I really do feel appreciated for the effort I put in. For those that cannot spare even that little gratitude to me, I can't be bothered with them anyway. It's just how the world works. Some people appreciate what you do, and some don't, but we don't go around blaming people, demanding gratitude, or harbour a grudge for some sort of indebtedness. We move on. And I will tell myself that everyday.
Sometimes all it takes is a little defamation to soil the reputation you take forever to build up. The feeling sucks, believe me. But I really feel so jaded that I don't want to care anymore. You know when people tell you "I don't give a fuck", and they genuinely mean it? No, I don't feel that way, but I feel like I'm inching towards that and I don't like where this is taking me.
It's time to reign back that feeling of being unappreciated.
We all have times that we feel that the effort put into a certain task was not rewarded with enough gratitude; or to put simply, we feel unappreciated. Then what exactly justifies the effort, time, money, or whatever resources we've put into the task?
The amount to appreciation we expect varies across the groups of people in our life, and if I were to formulate it, I would say it's directly proportional to the amount of obligation we feel towards the person. Certainly I wouldn't expect that much gratitude from a family member than from a complete stranger, because we know for sure that as selfish humans, it takes a lot to want to help a person who has no relation to you whatsoever, and I mean those that are not even acquaintances - like the door-to-door pedlars, or the elderly selling tissue packets.
And we all say true passion drives a person to do things without expectation of any returns, not so much as more than a "Thank You". Even the slightest, most insignificant of gesture rendered to a person as assistance should be rewarded with that.
To be honest, I really do feel appreciated for the effort I put in. For those that cannot spare even that little gratitude to me, I can't be bothered with them anyway. It's just how the world works. Some people appreciate what you do, and some don't, but we don't go around blaming people, demanding gratitude, or harbour a grudge for some sort of indebtedness. We move on. And I will tell myself that everyday.
Sometimes all it takes is a little defamation to soil the reputation you take forever to build up. The feeling sucks, believe me. But I really feel so jaded that I don't want to care anymore. You know when people tell you "I don't give a fuck", and they genuinely mean it? No, I don't feel that way, but I feel like I'm inching towards that and I don't like where this is taking me.
It's time to reign back that feeling of being unappreciated.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Hollow
Ironic, isn't it? We live so little now to live more in the future, but if we live more now, well, chances are there wouldn't be a lot for us to live in the future.
Perhaps it's all about perception. Whether in the present or in the future, we gotta make the commitment and stick to it. We all have our own lofty dreams; achievable or not, that's another issue altogether. Let's face it - overnight successes are far and few between. We can't expect that to happen to all of us. Like it or not, a large portion of the working population anywhere in the world are actually stuck in a job they would rather not have. But life goes on. The paramount importance of survival and sustenance is the pushing force for us all to work.
I refuse to believe that life is fair. It's not. It could be fair enough, but never fair. People will always complain no matter how much (or in this matter, "little") they have.
As I transform into an adult, I start to realise that there are so many things an adult should do that, to put bluntly, I don't. I don't wanna worry about bills; I don't wanna make important decisions that affect so many people; I don't wanna work so hard to fulfill so little.
This is an empty void, and my heart beats in it.
Perhaps it's all about perception. Whether in the present or in the future, we gotta make the commitment and stick to it. We all have our own lofty dreams; achievable or not, that's another issue altogether. Let's face it - overnight successes are far and few between. We can't expect that to happen to all of us. Like it or not, a large portion of the working population anywhere in the world are actually stuck in a job they would rather not have. But life goes on. The paramount importance of survival and sustenance is the pushing force for us all to work.
I refuse to believe that life is fair. It's not. It could be fair enough, but never fair. People will always complain no matter how much (or in this matter, "little") they have.
As I transform into an adult, I start to realise that there are so many things an adult should do that, to put bluntly, I don't. I don't wanna worry about bills; I don't wanna make important decisions that affect so many people; I don't wanna work so hard to fulfill so little.
This is an empty void, and my heart beats in it.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Habit
One entire week.
I took an entire week off from work, and I must say, it seems to have a therapeutic effect on the mind, body and soul. I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders, and the world seems to be less irritating for a moment.
I guess it's all about perspective, then. I've spent the week taking long walks, exercising, reading while sipping on delicious coffee, chilling out to music, shopping, watching TV (finally found the time ha) and most importantly, sleeping. I could get used to a life like that, but I don't want to. I know perfectly that this is merely a "vacation" that will end soon, and I will not insist on lingering too long on it. Sounds like a pretty boring week huh.
Nevertheless, I'm grateful for a hiatus from work and more work, and I almost can't believe it, but it's coming to an end. This journey is almost ending, which means another chapter of life is beginning. So many things to look forward to - the annoying back-to-study life, the adulthood, the meeting-new-people part, and of course, love.
Now, that - I could get used to.
I took an entire week off from work, and I must say, it seems to have a therapeutic effect on the mind, body and soul. I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders, and the world seems to be less irritating for a moment.
I guess it's all about perspective, then. I've spent the week taking long walks, exercising, reading while sipping on delicious coffee, chilling out to music, shopping, watching TV (finally found the time ha) and most importantly, sleeping. I could get used to a life like that, but I don't want to. I know perfectly that this is merely a "vacation" that will end soon, and I will not insist on lingering too long on it. Sounds like a pretty boring week huh.
Nevertheless, I'm grateful for a hiatus from work and more work, and I almost can't believe it, but it's coming to an end. This journey is almost ending, which means another chapter of life is beginning. So many things to look forward to - the annoying back-to-study life, the adulthood, the meeting-new-people part, and of course, love.
Now, that - I could get used to.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Torn
I've never been good with words, but I've been living in denial thinking that I am. Maybe it's time to face the harsh truth and ease myself into it.
The people I know probably think I talk too much. I can go on and on incessantly and not get tired of it. Most people would be, but they've been too kind to admit. But it has come to my attention that if I were to talk, I want to make a point or make a change. Only then would I feel that a conversation has been purposeful.
How does it feel like to be misunderstood? Honestly, I would never have done it this way if not for the considerations I have. Because you don't understand that I'm trying to protect you, to shield you from harm, and also to toughen you, to make sure that independence and resourcefulness thrives in you. I would never want to hold your hand through this journey only to watch you fall when I let go of it. That was exactly what they did and see where that got them. Learn to take it in a good way. I'm not dissing the way of education they engaged themselves in; it just proves that independence is a far more difficult virtue to cultivate in one than you might think.
All these times I've been working too hard. Unnecessarily. And coming from that point of view, I've learned that nobody should be treated this way - overworked. It's bad for the mind and soul. That is why I've tried so hard to make you ignorant, in a good way, to make sure that you're not bullied into doing the things that you shouldn't be. I've been overworked because I chose to. I chose to involve myself in so many things just so I could prove myself. Silly eh? But I don't regret it. I know that I learned many valuable lessons throughout this journey and it was all worthwhile. So if you don't feel the same way, then don't. Accomplishment is not determined by how much you know, but by how much of that you know is put into action. Hate me if you must, but that is just my way of caring that you don't understand.
It pains me that I am grossly criticised for all my good efforts. I'm tired of explaining. But I don't recall trying to explain, either. Why should I? I don't owe you an explanation, because you will see it if it's meant to happen. Maybe you will. Just not today.
The people I know probably think I talk too much. I can go on and on incessantly and not get tired of it. Most people would be, but they've been too kind to admit. But it has come to my attention that if I were to talk, I want to make a point or make a change. Only then would I feel that a conversation has been purposeful.
How does it feel like to be misunderstood? Honestly, I would never have done it this way if not for the considerations I have. Because you don't understand that I'm trying to protect you, to shield you from harm, and also to toughen you, to make sure that independence and resourcefulness thrives in you. I would never want to hold your hand through this journey only to watch you fall when I let go of it. That was exactly what they did and see where that got them. Learn to take it in a good way. I'm not dissing the way of education they engaged themselves in; it just proves that independence is a far more difficult virtue to cultivate in one than you might think.
All these times I've been working too hard. Unnecessarily. And coming from that point of view, I've learned that nobody should be treated this way - overworked. It's bad for the mind and soul. That is why I've tried so hard to make you ignorant, in a good way, to make sure that you're not bullied into doing the things that you shouldn't be. I've been overworked because I chose to. I chose to involve myself in so many things just so I could prove myself. Silly eh? But I don't regret it. I know that I learned many valuable lessons throughout this journey and it was all worthwhile. So if you don't feel the same way, then don't. Accomplishment is not determined by how much you know, but by how much of that you know is put into action. Hate me if you must, but that is just my way of caring that you don't understand.
It pains me that I am grossly criticised for all my good efforts. I'm tired of explaining. But I don't recall trying to explain, either. Why should I? I don't owe you an explanation, because you will see it if it's meant to happen. Maybe you will. Just not today.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
4 Letters and More
Because no matter how inchoate and rudimentary love is, it enchants two people into a fantasy so exclusive that its surreality is only entitled to them. People will watch with envy, but they will be forbidden into the sphere of enclosed happiness that only the two can experience.
But love cannot be limited.
But love cannot be limited.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
On the Spot
Nobody likes to admit their flaws. The word "flaws" itself denotes that they are undesirable, and probably not any more pleasant. Everyone has their own flaws but is there really a need to expound them? I'd like to think that these imperfections are innate, and at very best, can be ignored or disregarded by people who are magnanimous enough, but alas, the world judges you not by your successes, but by your failures.
It has always been as such, and there's even a saying that goes along the effect of "do many great deeds and the world will hold you in awe but make one mistake and everything that you've done right goes to naught". And that is precisely why we strive so hard to be perfect, to please, and to exude the best of our personal qualities to the people around us.
Just how long can I keep this up?
I think I'm going dizzy pretending that nothing really affects me now. Pretending to feel numb. I wonder how I'd feel when I thaw and unfreeze my emotions from myself. Will I get a shock, or will I learn to succumb to them? And in this period of time of 2 months or so, I have to lose my mojo, chill out, and start concentrating on the things that matter. I never thought I was the type for studying. I just got lucky, I guess. I'm an extremely slow learner, for the record, and I am not proud of it. I can't say I didn't work hard to achieve what I have today. To those who have more, they may think that it's nothing much; but for those who have less, they yearn for what I have, but they don't know how it pains to have these things. The expectation, the pressure, the time spent. We are all like that right? Wanting more, no matter what. Because there will always be someone better than you, and you strive to be the best. One school of thought encourages this determination and robust character, but the other advocates the search for balance, equality and peace of mind; to be unaffected by the people who judge, attach a score to everything, compete the hell out of each other, and find joy and triumph in ousting each other out of the ring.
Frankly, I envy those who have their lives so thought out. It's like they already see their spots 10 years into the future, living some sort of life, having some sort of happiness, and sharing some sort of joy. Because I don't. I'm so lost right now I don't even know where to begin. "Get into a good school," they said. "Study hard and get good grades," they said. "Go to university and get a degree, and then you can do whatever you want to," they said. How much truth do these advices hold? Have they intentionally omitted the necessary sacrifices involved? Have they blindly made "a well-paying job" the goal of it all? Have they expected that all children would want to earn big bucks, slog their hearts out, and enjoy life some point in time in the future? Do we not want to enjoy life now, right now, in the present, with the people we care about, the people we love, and the people who love us? Oh, no, but we have no time for that. Time does not allow us to let our guard down, because there is no detour to a "good life" other than the socially moulded path of education.
You might think that I am disapproving of our education system, but I'm not. I love how everything is being laid out till we're old enough to think maturely, to act maturely, and to love maturely. It's just, there's so much that will be missed now, for the sake of the things we want in the future, that I am starting to think whether all these sacrifices are justified or worth the risk. Never mind me, because I think too much. And I am thankful that I am able to muse, or have the luxury to do so, in this whirling fantasy and speeding animation that doesn't seem to slow down for anyone.
But I'd wish we could all slow down. Just slow enough for me to catch my breath, and know that I can carry on.
It has always been as such, and there's even a saying that goes along the effect of "do many great deeds and the world will hold you in awe but make one mistake and everything that you've done right goes to naught". And that is precisely why we strive so hard to be perfect, to please, and to exude the best of our personal qualities to the people around us.
Just how long can I keep this up?
I think I'm going dizzy pretending that nothing really affects me now. Pretending to feel numb. I wonder how I'd feel when I thaw and unfreeze my emotions from myself. Will I get a shock, or will I learn to succumb to them? And in this period of time of 2 months or so, I have to lose my mojo, chill out, and start concentrating on the things that matter. I never thought I was the type for studying. I just got lucky, I guess. I'm an extremely slow learner, for the record, and I am not proud of it. I can't say I didn't work hard to achieve what I have today. To those who have more, they may think that it's nothing much; but for those who have less, they yearn for what I have, but they don't know how it pains to have these things. The expectation, the pressure, the time spent. We are all like that right? Wanting more, no matter what. Because there will always be someone better than you, and you strive to be the best. One school of thought encourages this determination and robust character, but the other advocates the search for balance, equality and peace of mind; to be unaffected by the people who judge, attach a score to everything, compete the hell out of each other, and find joy and triumph in ousting each other out of the ring.
Frankly, I envy those who have their lives so thought out. It's like they already see their spots 10 years into the future, living some sort of life, having some sort of happiness, and sharing some sort of joy. Because I don't. I'm so lost right now I don't even know where to begin. "Get into a good school," they said. "Study hard and get good grades," they said. "Go to university and get a degree, and then you can do whatever you want to," they said. How much truth do these advices hold? Have they intentionally omitted the necessary sacrifices involved? Have they blindly made "a well-paying job" the goal of it all? Have they expected that all children would want to earn big bucks, slog their hearts out, and enjoy life some point in time in the future? Do we not want to enjoy life now, right now, in the present, with the people we care about, the people we love, and the people who love us? Oh, no, but we have no time for that. Time does not allow us to let our guard down, because there is no detour to a "good life" other than the socially moulded path of education.
You might think that I am disapproving of our education system, but I'm not. I love how everything is being laid out till we're old enough to think maturely, to act maturely, and to love maturely. It's just, there's so much that will be missed now, for the sake of the things we want in the future, that I am starting to think whether all these sacrifices are justified or worth the risk. Never mind me, because I think too much. And I am thankful that I am able to muse, or have the luxury to do so, in this whirling fantasy and speeding animation that doesn't seem to slow down for anyone.
But I'd wish we could all slow down. Just slow enough for me to catch my breath, and know that I can carry on.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Audit
So. Another chapter of my life in here has closed. I guess that means... Haha!
Doing this for the second time has made me learn more; more than I'd hope for. To think that I actually stayed up the entire of Sunday all the way to Monday just to flip through that gigantic hill of carelessly filed paper. That cannot be good for my body and soul, because I remember pumping truckloads of caffeine into my bloodstream as I walked around like a zombie. And surprisingly, I actually felt pretty perked up when I got home. It's like the zest has never left my body. But that cannot be good. At least I think it cannot be good. Going against nature in any way is by default, detrimental.
Now that the test is over, I got more things to worry about - like handing over, making plans, training, reading, writing (I'm really gonna try), walk about, clearing up, teaching, and so much more. I see hope in everyone, but I see beyond that. I see that I have to help. I've been selfish, actually. When it comes to management, there's more that meets the eye. A blithe indifference may mean two different things altogether. In this society, nobody likes to be told to do something beyond their control, especially by someone who does not naturally know more. But we are all trapped. We are all trapped in some sort of hierarchy wherever we go. The quagmire we are challenged with is therefore, the art of acceptance, deception, presentation, and quotation. To learn is to gain, and to apply what you've learn is to gain more.
First: acceptance. Let's not get too angst about the situation we are in. We came in here knowing that this is going to be a game of acceptance and a situation of being told what to do. Know your role. I know my role, and I play it to my advantage. Know that there are some decisions that you can make, and some that you can't. A soldier who reaches too far out from his shield to attack the enemy albeit equipped with a lethal weapon, faces the threat of having his arm severed as well. At the end of the day, if a decision made by someone else does not please you in any way, think. Think of this - does this decision affect me? And more importantly, is it up to me? If it's not, or does not, it's advisable to just shut up and move on.
Second: deception. Nobody is perfect. We all know that. But I will not allow someone who is not trusted handle something of grave importance. Such is my working style, I'm sorry. If I think you're not ready, you're probably not. Knowledge does empower you beyond your wildest imagination, but learning how to manoeuvre it empowers you even greater. Trust your instinct, but trust your knowledge more. Certainty is a surer way to success. Has it not been proven? Hold your ground when making a claim, and the greatest of lies can turn to deceive the shrewdest of people. I'm not advocating it. I'm just saying.
Third: presentation. Of course, this involves a great deal of persuasion as well. Having the gift of the gab raises your stake so high you have issues counting them. I can only say this - presenting yourself confidently is a skill mastered by few. Confidence, backed by experience and knowledge, is almost as impeccable as a Nokia phone. Don't be afraid to flaunt it, because that's when you receive all of the effort you output, all in one swift action. Do it, do it good, and seal the deal.
Fourth: quotation. There are people who like to talk big, and people who like to talk gibberish, and most importantly, there are people who don't know what they're talking about. Now, capitalise on this. Quote the foolish. I love it when people say things irresponsibly, because it opens up an avenue of vulnerability to prey on. If people are to make irresponsible remarks, make them regret they ever did that. Don't feel bad about it. Think about how hazardous certain claims are when they are made so carelessly, then carry on and do it. You may do so, but beware, and tread carefully. Do not argue for the sake of arguing; make a point for the sake of persuading. Everyone has their opinions, and I am educated that what is worn on the epaulette determines how much of the decision you are part of. I'm not dissing. A good leader will accept feedback. A good leader listens. Ultimately, a good leader still has to make an informed decision. Trust that someone else is more "right" than you are. Self-righteousness gets you nowhere. Consider yourself informed. Losing the game occasionally does not make you a lousy player. In fact, think the opposite - winning most of the time makes you a very skilled player.
So stop growing flowers in your own garden and admiring them by yourself. Look around. Take in the scenery and accept that the world beyond the little beds of roses you've nurtured is a kaleidoscope of wonderful. By all means, you may invite people into this garden of yours so that you may boast of your horticulture. Some people may praise your flowers, but some may trample it beneath their feet and call it crap. Perhaps they are ignorant, but it is exactly crap that makes these flowers bloom.
Good crap, I mean.
Doing this for the second time has made me learn more; more than I'd hope for. To think that I actually stayed up the entire of Sunday all the way to Monday just to flip through that gigantic hill of carelessly filed paper. That cannot be good for my body and soul, because I remember pumping truckloads of caffeine into my bloodstream as I walked around like a zombie. And surprisingly, I actually felt pretty perked up when I got home. It's like the zest has never left my body. But that cannot be good. At least I think it cannot be good. Going against nature in any way is by default, detrimental.
Now that the test is over, I got more things to worry about - like handing over, making plans, training, reading, writing (I'm really gonna try), walk about, clearing up, teaching, and so much more. I see hope in everyone, but I see beyond that. I see that I have to help. I've been selfish, actually. When it comes to management, there's more that meets the eye. A blithe indifference may mean two different things altogether. In this society, nobody likes to be told to do something beyond their control, especially by someone who does not naturally know more. But we are all trapped. We are all trapped in some sort of hierarchy wherever we go. The quagmire we are challenged with is therefore, the art of acceptance, deception, presentation, and quotation. To learn is to gain, and to apply what you've learn is to gain more.
First: acceptance. Let's not get too angst about the situation we are in. We came in here knowing that this is going to be a game of acceptance and a situation of being told what to do. Know your role. I know my role, and I play it to my advantage. Know that there are some decisions that you can make, and some that you can't. A soldier who reaches too far out from his shield to attack the enemy albeit equipped with a lethal weapon, faces the threat of having his arm severed as well. At the end of the day, if a decision made by someone else does not please you in any way, think. Think of this - does this decision affect me? And more importantly, is it up to me? If it's not, or does not, it's advisable to just shut up and move on.
Second: deception. Nobody is perfect. We all know that. But I will not allow someone who is not trusted handle something of grave importance. Such is my working style, I'm sorry. If I think you're not ready, you're probably not. Knowledge does empower you beyond your wildest imagination, but learning how to manoeuvre it empowers you even greater. Trust your instinct, but trust your knowledge more. Certainty is a surer way to success. Has it not been proven? Hold your ground when making a claim, and the greatest of lies can turn to deceive the shrewdest of people. I'm not advocating it. I'm just saying.
Third: presentation. Of course, this involves a great deal of persuasion as well. Having the gift of the gab raises your stake so high you have issues counting them. I can only say this - presenting yourself confidently is a skill mastered by few. Confidence, backed by experience and knowledge, is almost as impeccable as a Nokia phone. Don't be afraid to flaunt it, because that's when you receive all of the effort you output, all in one swift action. Do it, do it good, and seal the deal.
Fourth: quotation. There are people who like to talk big, and people who like to talk gibberish, and most importantly, there are people who don't know what they're talking about. Now, capitalise on this. Quote the foolish. I love it when people say things irresponsibly, because it opens up an avenue of vulnerability to prey on. If people are to make irresponsible remarks, make them regret they ever did that. Don't feel bad about it. Think about how hazardous certain claims are when they are made so carelessly, then carry on and do it. You may do so, but beware, and tread carefully. Do not argue for the sake of arguing; make a point for the sake of persuading. Everyone has their opinions, and I am educated that what is worn on the epaulette determines how much of the decision you are part of. I'm not dissing. A good leader will accept feedback. A good leader listens. Ultimately, a good leader still has to make an informed decision. Trust that someone else is more "right" than you are. Self-righteousness gets you nowhere. Consider yourself informed. Losing the game occasionally does not make you a lousy player. In fact, think the opposite - winning most of the time makes you a very skilled player.
So stop growing flowers in your own garden and admiring them by yourself. Look around. Take in the scenery and accept that the world beyond the little beds of roses you've nurtured is a kaleidoscope of wonderful. By all means, you may invite people into this garden of yours so that you may boast of your horticulture. Some people may praise your flowers, but some may trample it beneath their feet and call it crap. Perhaps they are ignorant, but it is exactly crap that makes these flowers bloom.
Good crap, I mean.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Shapeshifting
How great would it be to have a revelation everyday?
I was enlightened by nicole today on how to survive in the civilian world with whatever I have, and whatever I can give. If it was anything, it was definitely the best advice I've had in a very long time. I can't imagine how myopic I can get when evaluating myself.
I will humble myself and seek the balance I've blatantly missed all this while.
I was enlightened by nicole today on how to survive in the civilian world with whatever I have, and whatever I can give. If it was anything, it was definitely the best advice I've had in a very long time. I can't imagine how myopic I can get when evaluating myself.
I will humble myself and seek the balance I've blatantly missed all this while.
Input Code: Travel
If I could do something spontaneously, I swear I would. There are so many restrictions that bind us to social norms. Conformity is a major trait of our education system, which I feel, most honestly, should never have been advocated. Sometimes all we need is really some creative juices and out-of-the-box thinking. But then again, there wouldn't be an "out-of-the-box" region if there was no box to begin with. How ironic.
Singapore promulgates a proficient education system that produces an efficient and skilled workforce, but we have also been criticised for our rigidity. At some point in time I've come to realise that if you have a dream this is not the place for you. This is a workplace. The lounge is somewhere else. Of course we try to boast the seemingly entertaining tourist attractions, and it must seem like a nice place to take a chill pill, but all these seem like an illusion to me. Maybe it's just me, or maybe I'm getting tired of this place, or maybe I'm getting boring; whatever it is, I need to scoot off to some foreign destination alone and take this time to make some adjustments to myself.
Because, apparently, time and work has made me a non-compassionate drone.
Singapore promulgates a proficient education system that produces an efficient and skilled workforce, but we have also been criticised for our rigidity. At some point in time I've come to realise that if you have a dream this is not the place for you. This is a workplace. The lounge is somewhere else. Of course we try to boast the seemingly entertaining tourist attractions, and it must seem like a nice place to take a chill pill, but all these seem like an illusion to me. Maybe it's just me, or maybe I'm getting tired of this place, or maybe I'm getting boring; whatever it is, I need to scoot off to some foreign destination alone and take this time to make some adjustments to myself.
Because, apparently, time and work has made me a non-compassionate drone.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Sitting on the Fence
I think I'm suited for the life of a roamer. To be honest, I'm mostly alone. I try to think of it as being too much of an introvert, but then again, I could really be depressed.
I kid people by telling them I'm on anti-depressant when they catch me popping my meds. I won't tell you exactly what it is, because it seemed pretty credible (go figure) when I say that those were my chill pills.
It's great knowing you won't be missed when you're gone. For most people, you don't even have to be narcissistic to want to be recognised and acknowledged for your effort and dedication. But I don't. I just want to be the wallpaper that fades into the background. Because prominence here grants you nothing you wish for. I've never liked attention from the people that, crudely, don't really matter in my life. Just so you know.
Looking through my posts, I realised there were not many of them that spoke of happy things. In fact, I think none of them conveyed a happy feeling. LOL. But it can't be my fault; when I'm not happy I don't want to pretend that I am. Like, what is the point, really? Just so people around you can feel your happiness and be influenced as well? Just so people don't think you're "emo"? Just so you want to lie to the people around you, and even yourself?
September is probably going to be the wildest month yet, with a flurry of ridiculousness and whimsical and chaos and judgements and tests and nerves and projects and plans and imparting of knowledge and rigging and... I wanna do so many illegal things I think I'm twisted. Make a promise, and keep it. I can actually feel September ending soon even though this week has been incredibly long and painful. Everything is crammed up in September and when I'm done with them it's probably already October. Oh the joy.
Come on... I know your hands can move faster, you stupid clock. And you too; you could flip faster, you lousy calendar. Let's get this over and done with! Hmm... better be careful with what I wish for :O
I kid people by telling them I'm on anti-depressant when they catch me popping my meds. I won't tell you exactly what it is, because it seemed pretty credible (go figure) when I say that those were my chill pills.
It's great knowing you won't be missed when you're gone. For most people, you don't even have to be narcissistic to want to be recognised and acknowledged for your effort and dedication. But I don't. I just want to be the wallpaper that fades into the background. Because prominence here grants you nothing you wish for. I've never liked attention from the people that, crudely, don't really matter in my life. Just so you know.
Looking through my posts, I realised there were not many of them that spoke of happy things. In fact, I think none of them conveyed a happy feeling. LOL. But it can't be my fault; when I'm not happy I don't want to pretend that I am. Like, what is the point, really? Just so people around you can feel your happiness and be influenced as well? Just so people don't think you're "emo"? Just so you want to lie to the people around you, and even yourself?
September is probably going to be the wildest month yet, with a flurry of ridiculousness and whimsical and chaos and judgements and tests and nerves and projects and plans and imparting of knowledge and rigging and... I wanna do so many illegal things I think I'm twisted. Make a promise, and keep it. I can actually feel September ending soon even though this week has been incredibly long and painful. Everything is crammed up in September and when I'm done with them it's probably already October. Oh the joy.
Come on... I know your hands can move faster, you stupid clock. And you too; you could flip faster, you lousy calendar. Let's get this over and done with! Hmm... better be careful with what I wish for :O
Friday, August 31, 2012
Shut Up
If I tell others that I'm a failure, they'd probably console me and say "Hey, you're being too hard on yourself; you gotta relax." But I don't want you to tell me that. I don't even want to think that I'm doing this to myself. And frankly, I'm not happy. I'm not gonna lie and say otherwise because I'm done lying. I'm done lying to myself and everyone else. I can't finish this the way I want it and that's that. I'm accepting it and moving on.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Give Me Everything
If there was someone to rant to, I'd probably drown the person in saliva and go on and on about how everything seems like a mess.
There will always be mistakes. Errors. I never knew how hard it was holding it together until I really go through the same shit. There were times I felt so exasperated that I just didn't know what to do. But nothing is ever too hard to salvage, because determination is what carries us through life's thick and thin. Just because we are lost sometimes doesn't mean that we'll be lost forever.
If I could turn back time I'd still make the same decision. From the day I started I knew this path was going to be difficult. I hope you see it too, because I am not a life buoy. Not anymore after my time. I have given (and will be giving) everything I can to the unit. It cost me more than what anyone would expect but I think it's worth it. It's worth every single effort and complaint.
Working in here has taught me that when things go wrong and it's not your fault, you have to find a way to resolve it first, before we start talking about who to hunt and seek vengeance from afterwards. I find it extremely ridiculous that I am blamed for being blunt and straightforward for the things I expect in work. It's as if they've never been said or done before - a completely fresh idea - and when that happens I feel like someone should speak up. I used to do that, but it shouldn't be my war to fight anymore.
There will always be mistakes. Errors. I never knew how hard it was holding it together until I really go through the same shit. There were times I felt so exasperated that I just didn't know what to do. But nothing is ever too hard to salvage, because determination is what carries us through life's thick and thin. Just because we are lost sometimes doesn't mean that we'll be lost forever.
If I could turn back time I'd still make the same decision. From the day I started I knew this path was going to be difficult. I hope you see it too, because I am not a life buoy. Not anymore after my time. I have given (and will be giving) everything I can to the unit. It cost me more than what anyone would expect but I think it's worth it. It's worth every single effort and complaint.
Working in here has taught me that when things go wrong and it's not your fault, you have to find a way to resolve it first, before we start talking about who to hunt and seek vengeance from afterwards. I find it extremely ridiculous that I am blamed for being blunt and straightforward for the things I expect in work. It's as if they've never been said or done before - a completely fresh idea - and when that happens I feel like someone should speak up. I used to do that, but it shouldn't be my war to fight anymore.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Growing Lazy
Reluctance is almost as insidious as laziness; they can be 2 separate things, but they're not exactly mutually exclusive either.
I have learned to be reluctant lately. If you don't know me by now, I'm not the lazy sort. In fact, I'd probably go the extra mile or many many miles just to get your stuff done for you, if I wanted to. But how can I do that, when all that I get in return is more expectations and greater anticipation? Like anyone else in the world, I only have 24 hours a day to spare. And even if I wanted to spend all of that my body wouldn't let me. I can understand now, how easy it is to decide on how you want to spend the 24 hours. The choice is, ultimately, and always has been, with you and solely you. No one else could tell you how to spend your time. They have no right, anyway.
Last week was hectic, with a supposedly long weekend that didn't seem long at all. My mind is so crowded now with the things I have to do and the things I would want to do and the things that I need to task someone else to do and the things I have to teach someone to do and the things that I can't do and the things I'd need more time to do and the... I'm sorry, I got carried away. Yea, you get what I mean. So damn crowded in there.
I remember mentioning before - every ORD ceremony has its magic. I'm one step closer, and one breath shorter. This time I see how my involvement wasn't really pivotal, or more bluntly, necessary. Don't think I'd underrate myself. I don't. But that's just how I see it; there wasn't really an active role that I was partaking, but everything else went on as expected and it turned out to be all okay. At some point in time we will all understand that no one is indispensable. Responsibility and accountability are things that can be cultivated in any person, if the individual tries hard enough and puts in the due diligence.
Relationships are so fragile. I can't mend what I've broken but I'll try my best to be who I think I should be. It's funny how people from so many different groups can see me in so many different perspectives. To some people I'm the nicest guy around; to some I'm the one they can depend on; to some I'm the one that's always busy, and you even apologise when you ask for a favour because you're afraid you've inconvenienced me; to some I'm the one to just make use of and that's it; to some they expect me to be able to know/do everything; to some I need to do their bidding just because I'm supposed to; to some I'm an asshole who tries too hard; to some it's as if I enjoy scolding people; to some I'm unreasonable; to some I always look stress; to some I'm unfathomable; to some, I'm just ordinary.
But I'm more than ordinary. I'm a superhero in the making. Imagine a life where you have everything you've ever wanted. Only then will you realise that saturation like that makes life pointless. It's just like achieving maximum level in a game, and maximising everything in every aspect of the game. The game is over. It becomes boring. There's nothing you can't do, and nothing surprises you, and you get tired of the same old thing because there's just nothing else that the game can offer you that will make you even slightly more interested in this thing of the past.
I feel like I've maxed out. Nothing really interests me anymore. And you know that, when the feeling of reluctance kicks in. I don't see a future in this, and you probably don't, too. The only difference is I can quit and you can't. I won't be selfish though. It'll be extremely selfish to think this way. I see you're beginning to see what I've been trying to tell you all along. It's not exactly too late, but it means that things are going to be pretty awry because the soil is already set.
I'm not gonna try so hard to make everybody like me. But I care that you don't hate me. Well, if you do, then I must say you've wasted my time on you. Life goes on. My life goes on.
I have learned to be reluctant lately. If you don't know me by now, I'm not the lazy sort. In fact, I'd probably go the extra mile or many many miles just to get your stuff done for you, if I wanted to. But how can I do that, when all that I get in return is more expectations and greater anticipation? Like anyone else in the world, I only have 24 hours a day to spare. And even if I wanted to spend all of that my body wouldn't let me. I can understand now, how easy it is to decide on how you want to spend the 24 hours. The choice is, ultimately, and always has been, with you and solely you. No one else could tell you how to spend your time. They have no right, anyway.
Last week was hectic, with a supposedly long weekend that didn't seem long at all. My mind is so crowded now with the things I have to do and the things I would want to do and the things that I need to task someone else to do and the things I have to teach someone to do and the things that I can't do and the things I'd need more time to do and the... I'm sorry, I got carried away. Yea, you get what I mean. So damn crowded in there.
I remember mentioning before - every ORD ceremony has its magic. I'm one step closer, and one breath shorter. This time I see how my involvement wasn't really pivotal, or more bluntly, necessary. Don't think I'd underrate myself. I don't. But that's just how I see it; there wasn't really an active role that I was partaking, but everything else went on as expected and it turned out to be all okay. At some point in time we will all understand that no one is indispensable. Responsibility and accountability are things that can be cultivated in any person, if the individual tries hard enough and puts in the due diligence.
Relationships are so fragile. I can't mend what I've broken but I'll try my best to be who I think I should be. It's funny how people from so many different groups can see me in so many different perspectives. To some people I'm the nicest guy around; to some I'm the one they can depend on; to some I'm the one that's always busy, and you even apologise when you ask for a favour because you're afraid you've inconvenienced me; to some I'm the one to just make use of and that's it; to some they expect me to be able to know/do everything; to some I need to do their bidding just because I'm supposed to; to some I'm an asshole who tries too hard; to some it's as if I enjoy scolding people; to some I'm unreasonable; to some I always look stress; to some I'm unfathomable; to some, I'm just ordinary.
But I'm more than ordinary. I'm a superhero in the making. Imagine a life where you have everything you've ever wanted. Only then will you realise that saturation like that makes life pointless. It's just like achieving maximum level in a game, and maximising everything in every aspect of the game. The game is over. It becomes boring. There's nothing you can't do, and nothing surprises you, and you get tired of the same old thing because there's just nothing else that the game can offer you that will make you even slightly more interested in this thing of the past.
I feel like I've maxed out. Nothing really interests me anymore. And you know that, when the feeling of reluctance kicks in. I don't see a future in this, and you probably don't, too. The only difference is I can quit and you can't. I won't be selfish though. It'll be extremely selfish to think this way. I see you're beginning to see what I've been trying to tell you all along. It's not exactly too late, but it means that things are going to be pretty awry because the soil is already set.
I'm not gonna try so hard to make everybody like me. But I care that you don't hate me. Well, if you do, then I must say you've wasted my time on you. Life goes on. My life goes on.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Watch Your Step
The inspiration for today's blogpost came from 2 kids playing on the staircase. A seemingly innocent game of 2 sisters. Toddlers. Both of them raced up the stairs, and the older one of them won the race. The elder sister turned around and exclaimed: "I won!" The younger one reached not too much later, and said: "Yay, I made it."
While most of us find competition in most things everyday, there are other people who find it hard to keep up. Not everybody loves a competition, but everybody loves to win. If we're gonna make a competition out of every little thing in life then be prepared to feel disappointed all the time, because there's no way you could always win.
Think about losing. Sometimes it's disappointment with ourselves, but sometimes it's just plain hate and jealousy for the person who did better than you. How can we genuinely appreciate a congratulatory feeling for the winning party if such jealousy overtakes - or worse, overwhelms us? Indubitably, winning itself is a massive motivation for many to do well, to do better, and to do best. But how many people can stay level-headed when confronted with the sensation and bliss of winning, and not lose their principles on this arduous conquest for victory, even in life's daily challenges?
There will always be elites in the society, whether we like it or not. Let's not kid ourselves - they know they are better than us. Whether or not they let that get to their heads is another story altogether. I've seen smart people. Very smart people. People who are mostly right and rarely wrong. But they will be wrong. Sometimes. Not all the time. But when they're wrong, the instinct in them to win and be "right" pushes them so hard that they sometimes drown in self-denial, put up unnecessary arguments to justify their error, make excuses for their mistakes, or even insist that they are correct and challenge the fundamentals of knowledge that existed for centuries, only to ultimately find themselves in self-humiliating defeat. Do not doubt the existence of such people, because they are all around us everyday.
The desire to win; it's in all of us. We can't shake it out. It's intrinsic. It's inherent. The propensity for us to outdo someone else is etched in every human being, whether you like it or not. The only thing we can do about it is control it. Do you really think it feels better to win the silver medal rather than the gold medal in the Olympics? I doubt so. All of them participating, of course, are in the game for a gold. Nobody participates to lose. But when they don't turn out to be the best, they're back at this route again: Sometimes it's disappointment with ourselves, but sometimes it's just plain hate and jealousy for the person who did better than you. If they feel the former, good for them. The loss serves as an immense motivation to do better, to do better than the best. But if they feel the latter, they have failed to grasp a valuable life-skill. Instead of "You did good. You were incredible. I'll definitely do better than that next time and take that gold from you!" we have "I'm gonna fucking beat you the next time. Just you watch it." Turns out winning and losing can generate love and admiration or hate and animosity.
So to those who are still keeping scores, I hope you're doing it the right way, and not for the wrong reasons. I never believed in that, because for one I know there are tons of people out there that can outdo me in almost anything that matters, but I'm not bothered by the least bit.
Most recently in TeenWolf, Stiles said to Scott, "I want to help, but I can't do the things that you can. I can't." I hope you see and understand that I'm actually in the same position. There are things that I can't do even with the best of my abilities. To put bluntly, it's the lack of adequacy. So go on and do the things that you can. Even though Stiles can't do the things Scott can, he is always trying to assist in one way or another. And till the day that I can no longer render my service to you, I humble myself before you, to help you change the things you have to, guide the people you need to, and achieve the goals you want to.
Even superheroes need their sidekicks. For the record, none of them would have survived without the help of those who love them dearly enough to hang around despite knowing the difficulties of being a superhero, so... yup. I'm glad, because I made it so far. I didn't win, but I made it.
While most of us find competition in most things everyday, there are other people who find it hard to keep up. Not everybody loves a competition, but everybody loves to win. If we're gonna make a competition out of every little thing in life then be prepared to feel disappointed all the time, because there's no way you could always win.
Think about losing. Sometimes it's disappointment with ourselves, but sometimes it's just plain hate and jealousy for the person who did better than you. How can we genuinely appreciate a congratulatory feeling for the winning party if such jealousy overtakes - or worse, overwhelms us? Indubitably, winning itself is a massive motivation for many to do well, to do better, and to do best. But how many people can stay level-headed when confronted with the sensation and bliss of winning, and not lose their principles on this arduous conquest for victory, even in life's daily challenges?
There will always be elites in the society, whether we like it or not. Let's not kid ourselves - they know they are better than us. Whether or not they let that get to their heads is another story altogether. I've seen smart people. Very smart people. People who are mostly right and rarely wrong. But they will be wrong. Sometimes. Not all the time. But when they're wrong, the instinct in them to win and be "right" pushes them so hard that they sometimes drown in self-denial, put up unnecessary arguments to justify their error, make excuses for their mistakes, or even insist that they are correct and challenge the fundamentals of knowledge that existed for centuries, only to ultimately find themselves in self-humiliating defeat. Do not doubt the existence of such people, because they are all around us everyday.
The desire to win; it's in all of us. We can't shake it out. It's intrinsic. It's inherent. The propensity for us to outdo someone else is etched in every human being, whether you like it or not. The only thing we can do about it is control it. Do you really think it feels better to win the silver medal rather than the gold medal in the Olympics? I doubt so. All of them participating, of course, are in the game for a gold. Nobody participates to lose. But when they don't turn out to be the best, they're back at this route again: Sometimes it's disappointment with ourselves, but sometimes it's just plain hate and jealousy for the person who did better than you. If they feel the former, good for them. The loss serves as an immense motivation to do better, to do better than the best. But if they feel the latter, they have failed to grasp a valuable life-skill. Instead of "You did good. You were incredible. I'll definitely do better than that next time and take that gold from you!" we have "I'm gonna fucking beat you the next time. Just you watch it." Turns out winning and losing can generate love and admiration or hate and animosity.
So to those who are still keeping scores, I hope you're doing it the right way, and not for the wrong reasons. I never believed in that, because for one I know there are tons of people out there that can outdo me in almost anything that matters, but I'm not bothered by the least bit.
Most recently in TeenWolf, Stiles said to Scott, "I want to help, but I can't do the things that you can. I can't." I hope you see and understand that I'm actually in the same position. There are things that I can't do even with the best of my abilities. To put bluntly, it's the lack of adequacy. So go on and do the things that you can. Even though Stiles can't do the things Scott can, he is always trying to assist in one way or another. And till the day that I can no longer render my service to you, I humble myself before you, to help you change the things you have to, guide the people you need to, and achieve the goals you want to.
Even superheroes need their sidekicks. For the record, none of them would have survived without the help of those who love them dearly enough to hang around despite knowing the difficulties of being a superhero, so... yup. I'm glad, because I made it so far. I didn't win, but I made it.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Start a Fire
I presume that everybody has their hopes and dreams. Some people wanna believe that dreams can become reality, while the sceptical ones probably refuse to think so. Ok, let's try not to be a wet blanket and insult those who believe in their dreams. And that includes me.
Now, when we set goals, we wanna make sure that these things are achievable, firstly. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be rich and famous and successful and hot and whatnot, but please, we know we've gone a little too far if we expect these things to come to us overnight. There must be some credibility and decency in our aims, or it'll be nothing but an empty hope, and even I will diss you for that sort of unrealistic fantasies.
I've definitely thought about how I want my life to turn out. No matter how hard I try I just can't picture myself in some financial institution trying to make big bucks through investments and banking and money money stuff like that o.O well but somehow I chose to do business in uni... Ironic.
I want to start a business of my own. I have that idea popping inside my head since the start of last year, and I think I might have accidentally leaked it out to a few people (oops) but I still believe in it so.. no, I'm not gonna share it here in case you steal my idea. Haha!
Of course I've thought of being famous as a singer and stuff but I've neither got the looks nor talent so I'd leave it to the world of beautiful and attractive people to do it. Yea, not gonna be an eyesore. But, you know, for the record, this was one of my dreams hmm... I guess it's hard, especially how we all know that Singapore's entertainment industry is not exactly the most exciting one around. We look at Hollywood for movies, we look at Korea for K-pop, we look at Taiwan for Mandarin pop, and we look at Hong Kong for drama serials. The last place we'd look at is homegrown talent. Sad, but true.
So to all of you out there with intensely bright futures ahead of you, go on out to pursue your dreams with vigour and enthusiasm and burning passion and bountiful confidence. Who knows, you may actually find that dreams and reality are but two different realms of certainty blurred by your lack of determination. I'm sure we will all fulfill our hopes and dreams someday. Remember - the stars will always be there for you to reach. Never settle for less than what you can achieve, because doing so would not be doing justice to yourself, and the 7 billion people out there in the world who are a little less well-off without you realising your dream.
Cheers to all who live everyday fighting for something. And I'm glad simplicity is the new style. Gotta love that.
Now, when we set goals, we wanna make sure that these things are achievable, firstly. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be rich and famous and successful and hot and whatnot, but please, we know we've gone a little too far if we expect these things to come to us overnight. There must be some credibility and decency in our aims, or it'll be nothing but an empty hope, and even I will diss you for that sort of unrealistic fantasies.
I've definitely thought about how I want my life to turn out. No matter how hard I try I just can't picture myself in some financial institution trying to make big bucks through investments and banking and money money stuff like that o.O well but somehow I chose to do business in uni... Ironic.
I want to start a business of my own. I have that idea popping inside my head since the start of last year, and I think I might have accidentally leaked it out to a few people (oops) but I still believe in it so.. no, I'm not gonna share it here in case you steal my idea. Haha!
Of course I've thought of being famous as a singer and stuff but I've neither got the looks nor talent so I'd leave it to the world of beautiful and attractive people to do it. Yea, not gonna be an eyesore. But, you know, for the record, this was one of my dreams hmm... I guess it's hard, especially how we all know that Singapore's entertainment industry is not exactly the most exciting one around. We look at Hollywood for movies, we look at Korea for K-pop, we look at Taiwan for Mandarin pop, and we look at Hong Kong for drama serials. The last place we'd look at is homegrown talent. Sad, but true.
So to all of you out there with intensely bright futures ahead of you, go on out to pursue your dreams with vigour and enthusiasm and burning passion and bountiful confidence. Who knows, you may actually find that dreams and reality are but two different realms of certainty blurred by your lack of determination. I'm sure we will all fulfill our hopes and dreams someday. Remember - the stars will always be there for you to reach. Never settle for less than what you can achieve, because doing so would not be doing justice to yourself, and the 7 billion people out there in the world who are a little less well-off without you realising your dream.
Cheers to all who live everyday fighting for something. And I'm glad simplicity is the new style. Gotta love that.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
That's the Spirit
Sometimes you just feel so lost and helpless, and then you think to yourself: I can't do this anymore. Oh, but you can.
It's like how, in a war, the soldier's only purpose is to follow the orders and commands conveyed to him and execute it without question, without hesitation, without regrets. To be put in a position where following the lead is your only choice. There are things that you can do, that I can't; and there's no way I could ever make a choice on my own. When all things fail, hardening my resolve doesn't dissipate my disappointment in any way.
Talking to you made me feel sane again, because I realise that nobody really knows how to cure this illness. It's like poison. It infiltrates your system and corrupts it from the very core, and then it extends its influence into the peripheral, rendering you stricken with agony and writhing in uncontrollable pain, dissecting your mind to make you believe that the pain will lead to an imminent peace, yet also suggesting that a long-lasting torment as excruciating as possible may well be here to stay. The ultimate question is: "When will this end?"
Happiness is only a choice when you're actually given one. To look at things with exuberant positivity is really a skill only known to a handful. In fact, some may even view it as self-justified happiness - or forcing yourself to be happy. Of course, we all want to feel good all the time, but as some people put it, you'll never really know happiness if you've never truly experienced sadness.
To the many people I see in camp I probably exude and radiate a sense of "emo-ness". But I'm gonna let you in on a secret: I've never once felt that way. Being frustrated is one thing, being disappointed is another, but being overly upset about something - I've never experienced that. To put bluntly, I've no time for that. Things in here happen too fast for anyone to mull over the irrefutable. Some things are done so wrongly, so grossly wrongly, that it disgusts me to even humiliate you for it.
Thank you for teaching me this lesson. I think I know my role pretty well.I can't say the same for you.
It's like how, in a war, the soldier's only purpose is to follow the orders and commands conveyed to him and execute it without question, without hesitation, without regrets. To be put in a position where following the lead is your only choice. There are things that you can do, that I can't; and there's no way I could ever make a choice on my own. When all things fail, hardening my resolve doesn't dissipate my disappointment in any way.
Talking to you made me feel sane again, because I realise that nobody really knows how to cure this illness. It's like poison. It infiltrates your system and corrupts it from the very core, and then it extends its influence into the peripheral, rendering you stricken with agony and writhing in uncontrollable pain, dissecting your mind to make you believe that the pain will lead to an imminent peace, yet also suggesting that a long-lasting torment as excruciating as possible may well be here to stay. The ultimate question is: "When will this end?"
Happiness is only a choice when you're actually given one. To look at things with exuberant positivity is really a skill only known to a handful. In fact, some may even view it as self-justified happiness - or forcing yourself to be happy. Of course, we all want to feel good all the time, but as some people put it, you'll never really know happiness if you've never truly experienced sadness.
To the many people I see in camp I probably exude and radiate a sense of "emo-ness". But I'm gonna let you in on a secret: I've never once felt that way. Being frustrated is one thing, being disappointed is another, but being overly upset about something - I've never experienced that. To put bluntly, I've no time for that. Things in here happen too fast for anyone to mull over the irrefutable. Some things are done so wrongly, so grossly wrongly, that it disgusts me to even humiliate you for it.
Thank you for teaching me this lesson. I think I know my role pretty well.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Make the Cut
Oh gosh I think the ORD ceremony thing is hitting me again.
You see, I'm the perfect kind of employee. In my 1y2m here, I've never been late. Not even once. The number of medical leaves I take a year are less than what a hand can manage. The number of medical appointments I have are also within a hand's count. I voluntarily stay late to finish up my stuff, and if I can't I come back in the weekend to complete it. I've been law-abiding. I've been respectful and obedient. I'm as independent as anyone can get, and I rarely complain. I try my best at everything, and I answer for everything I've done wrong, sometimes even those that I haven't. I've been scolded a lot, but never was I once resentful. I've been humiliated a lot, but never was I once bitter.
It may even seem like I don't really care; but I do. In fact, I've been too patient with myself. I've always thought how people would judge me, but I've never realised, that it was I who have been too harsh on myself. Nobody expects this of me. I dug my own grave.
I was told that this organisation is special. I was told that if I could survive the shit that people rain on me in here, I could pretty much handle any other crap others have for me out there. I was told this is some sort of character training. But I was convinced that however hard you try there can only be little change. I don't know how I learned to believe that, but I do.
Every now and then I'd like to see myself as a teacher. I know how I always mention I want more for everyone around me, on how I think everyone can achieve a little more than what they think they can achieve - and then I'll be there to push you to your limits and set those higher expectations for you. Well, look, I'm sorry if I ever made anyone feel lousy about themselves, because despite all my insinuations and scoldings and lecturing I do know that these words - they hurt, like knives - can never be retracted and I cannot apologise enough for making all of you go through it.
Initially I was wondering: how on earth do the teachers get through the disappointment of an under-performing class? How can they not be emotionally affected that their class cannot outdo the "better" classes? How do they feel, and whether they have ever compared, or how does it feel like to know that the same amount of effort and teaching they give their class, given to another with higher aptitude, might bring wonderful results and outstanding grades? And then it hit me - like a full-blown hurricane - a revelation that I believe will be the answer I will accept.
They are not supposed to feel disappointed. They shouldn't, actually.
I admit that if I ever thought I was a teacher, I am a very horrible one. To know that there are limits to everybody's performance should have been the starting point of this endeavour. Who in the world gave me the right to put you down with words like that? Who on earth gave me the right to expect more than what you can give? I realise, albeit a little too late, that I haven't really been able to face the reality that not everyone is a A+ worker, efficient beyond imagination, hard-driven, full of initiative, enthusiastic. I can't even be enthusiastic about this; what gives me the right to demand that from you? Instead, I've been a hard-up idiot, a selfish bastard who cant commiserate with the struggles that you all face everyday. All I do is expect and demand. How easy is that? I forget how, as a teacher, if I may even be considered qualified after all, I should be encouraging. I should offer guidance. I should advise, but leave the choices to you, and trust that the ones you make are correct. Embrace your working style, forgive you for screwing up the things you didn't know how to do, reassure you when you feel lousy about yourself, and tell you I couldn't have done any better than you did, even if I could, because that's not the point. The point is not having everyone achieve my selfish standards, conforming to my style, to jam square pegs into round holes, or to make you feel inferior. Sure, this might mean lowering my expectations, having some disappointments here and there, but the point is to make sure everyone has a positive learning experience - one that actually makes you feel better about yourself. One that continues burning the flame inside of you.
I haven't realised how wrong I was until now. The moon will always wane and wax: the new moon, the crescent, the half moon, the gibbous, and the full moon - they all show the different stages of the same moon. So what if the moon was not always full? So what if seasons changed? These are things we cannot control, and it would be foolish if anyone were to think they could, because that's nature's very creation. People will learn to appreciate even the harshest of winters, and learn to tolerate the hottest of summers. Only time can tell whether this combination will be a success or failure, in which, actually, is not my call to make no matter how I see it. So let it go, I'll tell myself. Like you and I have pointed out: we see the problem, we let you know, we want to help you solve it, but it takes time. You may think we're stepping past our boundaries, but I don't care. The truth is the truth. What's the point of hiding it?
I could do the things I like. I could enjoy myself. I wouldn't tax myself on the things I cannot possibly achieve. I could have my secret discussions with you about how they would survive nonetheless - they always will, and they will find a way to - and I could stand by the side and watch the tree grow and bear fruits. All these, I believe, are the proudest things a teacher could acquire. Perhaps not all his students might get an A, but seriously, who's keeping scores? Perhaps all his students could get an A, but not all of them did, for known or unknown reasons, but I think at such a stage it's probably some personal choice already. It's like how you shouldn't feel bad for not buying from the uncle/auntie selling tissue packets at the hawker centre, because you didn't put them in that situation. Circumstances did, and it's not your fault. The best you could do is buy it to assuage the guilt you might feel, but hey, nobody's gonna point at you and call you a selfish bastard if you don't. If they do, let them. There will always be haters.
To end it off, I can finally tell myself to start on a clean slate. It felt good being the bad guy, though. For everything I do there is always a reason, and I will not blame you if you don't see it - because I deliberately concealed it. You wouldn't know how hard I fought to keep you, but it's okay. Nobody has to know. Let's just focus on how we can make the best out of the remaining of my time here.
You see, I'm the perfect kind of employee. In my 1y2m here, I've never been late. Not even once. The number of medical leaves I take a year are less than what a hand can manage. The number of medical appointments I have are also within a hand's count. I voluntarily stay late to finish up my stuff, and if I can't I come back in the weekend to complete it. I've been law-abiding. I've been respectful and obedient. I'm as independent as anyone can get, and I rarely complain. I try my best at everything, and I answer for everything I've done wrong, sometimes even those that I haven't. I've been scolded a lot, but never was I once resentful. I've been humiliated a lot, but never was I once bitter.
It may even seem like I don't really care; but I do. In fact, I've been too patient with myself. I've always thought how people would judge me, but I've never realised, that it was I who have been too harsh on myself. Nobody expects this of me. I dug my own grave.
I was told that this organisation is special. I was told that if I could survive the shit that people rain on me in here, I could pretty much handle any other crap others have for me out there. I was told this is some sort of character training. But I was convinced that however hard you try there can only be little change. I don't know how I learned to believe that, but I do.
Every now and then I'd like to see myself as a teacher. I know how I always mention I want more for everyone around me, on how I think everyone can achieve a little more than what they think they can achieve - and then I'll be there to push you to your limits and set those higher expectations for you. Well, look, I'm sorry if I ever made anyone feel lousy about themselves, because despite all my insinuations and scoldings and lecturing I do know that these words - they hurt, like knives - can never be retracted and I cannot apologise enough for making all of you go through it.
Initially I was wondering: how on earth do the teachers get through the disappointment of an under-performing class? How can they not be emotionally affected that their class cannot outdo the "better" classes? How do they feel, and whether they have ever compared, or how does it feel like to know that the same amount of effort and teaching they give their class, given to another with higher aptitude, might bring wonderful results and outstanding grades? And then it hit me - like a full-blown hurricane - a revelation that I believe will be the answer I will accept.
They are not supposed to feel disappointed. They shouldn't, actually.
I admit that if I ever thought I was a teacher, I am a very horrible one. To know that there are limits to everybody's performance should have been the starting point of this endeavour. Who in the world gave me the right to put you down with words like that? Who on earth gave me the right to expect more than what you can give? I realise, albeit a little too late, that I haven't really been able to face the reality that not everyone is a A+ worker, efficient beyond imagination, hard-driven, full of initiative, enthusiastic. I can't even be enthusiastic about this; what gives me the right to demand that from you? Instead, I've been a hard-up idiot, a selfish bastard who cant commiserate with the struggles that you all face everyday. All I do is expect and demand. How easy is that? I forget how, as a teacher, if I may even be considered qualified after all, I should be encouraging. I should offer guidance. I should advise, but leave the choices to you, and trust that the ones you make are correct. Embrace your working style, forgive you for screwing up the things you didn't know how to do, reassure you when you feel lousy about yourself, and tell you I couldn't have done any better than you did, even if I could, because that's not the point. The point is not having everyone achieve my selfish standards, conforming to my style, to jam square pegs into round holes, or to make you feel inferior. Sure, this might mean lowering my expectations, having some disappointments here and there, but the point is to make sure everyone has a positive learning experience - one that actually makes you feel better about yourself. One that continues burning the flame inside of you.
I haven't realised how wrong I was until now. The moon will always wane and wax: the new moon, the crescent, the half moon, the gibbous, and the full moon - they all show the different stages of the same moon. So what if the moon was not always full? So what if seasons changed? These are things we cannot control, and it would be foolish if anyone were to think they could, because that's nature's very creation. People will learn to appreciate even the harshest of winters, and learn to tolerate the hottest of summers. Only time can tell whether this combination will be a success or failure, in which, actually, is not my call to make no matter how I see it. So let it go, I'll tell myself. Like you and I have pointed out: we see the problem, we let you know, we want to help you solve it, but it takes time. You may think we're stepping past our boundaries, but I don't care. The truth is the truth. What's the point of hiding it?
I could do the things I like. I could enjoy myself. I wouldn't tax myself on the things I cannot possibly achieve. I could have my secret discussions with you about how they would survive nonetheless - they always will, and they will find a way to - and I could stand by the side and watch the tree grow and bear fruits. All these, I believe, are the proudest things a teacher could acquire. Perhaps not all his students might get an A, but seriously, who's keeping scores? Perhaps all his students could get an A, but not all of them did, for known or unknown reasons, but I think at such a stage it's probably some personal choice already. It's like how you shouldn't feel bad for not buying from the uncle/auntie selling tissue packets at the hawker centre, because you didn't put them in that situation. Circumstances did, and it's not your fault. The best you could do is buy it to assuage the guilt you might feel, but hey, nobody's gonna point at you and call you a selfish bastard if you don't. If they do, let them. There will always be haters.
To end it off, I can finally tell myself to start on a clean slate. It felt good being the bad guy, though. For everything I do there is always a reason, and I will not blame you if you don't see it - because I deliberately concealed it. You wouldn't know how hard I fought to keep you, but it's okay. Nobody has to know. Let's just focus on how we can make the best out of the remaining of my time here.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Test
Pouring out my heart to someone who understands makes me feel so much better. We may not be the best of the best but at least we know we are more than what they think we are.
I cannot begin to fathom the days that will follow my departure. Peace and tranquility, or chaos and disaster. Either way, it hardly seems like it should be of my concern at all. Then why, why am I so passionate about this? Why am I putting myself through this when I stand to gain nothing from it? Why am I held ransom to my own sense of pride and guilt?
A whole new level of discussion sent me into a flurry of thoughts, expounding the myriad of possibilities and psychological thinking that intrigue me every day. If there is a fire that can never be extinguished, then the world will always be in need of a fire extinguisher. Then again, why are we still dependent on the extinguisher when we know that it has failed its main objective? We want to think there's something or someone to fall back on when shit happens, and at times, we're too obsessed with that that we neglect the genuine need for such security. We abuse the provider of it. We don't really care if the fire extinguisher works, or whether it actually helps to put out the fire in any manner. We just want to know that something or someone claims to be able to put out the fire. We'll talk about it again if it doesn't work. Or, we could wait for a new invention that could stop the fire. Or we could also wait for the fire to burn out. Either way, we're not going to move our asses.
The most precarious situations and insidious relations threaten to undermine the most fundamental processes. Overwhelming affection, as I see it, dilutes even the faintest of authority - for friendliness is the trump card for failure - and prejudice and bias have proved to be the most lethal of weapons and deepest of influences. The sheer magnitude of trust I have in you can even erode any remaining objectivity in me. But I trust myself even more to make the right judgement, albeit with wrong intentions, since I can only invest in the uncertain. Alas, I am far more disappointed than you can imagine. Self-motivation is a virtue. So valuable a virtue. There can be no detour to this and I hope you can start realising that, because I like culture shocks and surprises, and I'll ensure the menace strikes with such force that life feels miserable. But I think you're right, daniel, that it might be nothing more than a slap on the wrist, with no real enlightening ramifications. If that happens, it's high time I gave up. Lost causes are of no value to me. Damn, I wish I could think like you - vicious, ruthless, and unscrupulous. I am not hardened by disappointment as of yet, but I dare predict I soon will. I never believed in enforced discipline.
It's all wrong; a misaligned series of events that ridicule the way of the universe. I promise to embark on this one last spur of revamp, but I will also succumb to the irreversible with no regrets should the grand plan fail.
One last leap, one last chance, one last hope.
I cannot begin to fathom the days that will follow my departure. Peace and tranquility, or chaos and disaster. Either way, it hardly seems like it should be of my concern at all. Then why, why am I so passionate about this? Why am I putting myself through this when I stand to gain nothing from it? Why am I held ransom to my own sense of pride and guilt?
A whole new level of discussion sent me into a flurry of thoughts, expounding the myriad of possibilities and psychological thinking that intrigue me every day. If there is a fire that can never be extinguished, then the world will always be in need of a fire extinguisher. Then again, why are we still dependent on the extinguisher when we know that it has failed its main objective? We want to think there's something or someone to fall back on when shit happens, and at times, we're too obsessed with that that we neglect the genuine need for such security. We abuse the provider of it. We don't really care if the fire extinguisher works, or whether it actually helps to put out the fire in any manner. We just want to know that something or someone claims to be able to put out the fire. We'll talk about it again if it doesn't work. Or, we could wait for a new invention that could stop the fire. Or we could also wait for the fire to burn out. Either way, we're not going to move our asses.
The most precarious situations and insidious relations threaten to undermine the most fundamental processes. Overwhelming affection, as I see it, dilutes even the faintest of authority - for friendliness is the trump card for failure - and prejudice and bias have proved to be the most lethal of weapons and deepest of influences. The sheer magnitude of trust I have in you can even erode any remaining objectivity in me. But I trust myself even more to make the right judgement, albeit with wrong intentions, since I can only invest in the uncertain. Alas, I am far more disappointed than you can imagine. Self-motivation is a virtue. So valuable a virtue. There can be no detour to this and I hope you can start realising that, because I like culture shocks and surprises, and I'll ensure the menace strikes with such force that life feels miserable. But I think you're right, daniel, that it might be nothing more than a slap on the wrist, with no real enlightening ramifications. If that happens, it's high time I gave up. Lost causes are of no value to me. Damn, I wish I could think like you - vicious, ruthless, and unscrupulous. I am not hardened by disappointment as of yet, but I dare predict I soon will. I never believed in enforced discipline.
It's all wrong; a misaligned series of events that ridicule the way of the universe. I promise to embark on this one last spur of revamp, but I will also succumb to the irreversible with no regrets should the grand plan fail.
One last leap, one last chance, one last hope.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Eye of the Storm
Yesterday was another awesome day spent with awesome people. Movies always get me excited, but I'd prefer one with great after-activities. Nevertheless, I still love how we can find some time to enjoy these small but engaging moments after work. I really like these hangouts; but how far can I go with this before I tip the scale and lose the balance? I want to be part of it, but I don't feel that way. Trying hard is one thing, knowing that you'll fail no matter how hard you try is another. There's only one way to do this, and that is to dislodge, cut those invisible cuffs and dissolve those barriers; but right now is not the time.
Sunday was a catch-up session with the people I don't see around anymore, even though they were a huge part of my work life previously. I am amazed how easily we can hit off despite treading different paths after all these while. I'm even more amazed about how fast people can change environments, survive, adapt, discard, and then forget. Maybe memories are a hard bunch to keep, or we're all moving too fast to turn and look back, but most importantly, we all seem happy when we're together. That's probably what I hope it would be like for me, 1 year down the road, with the same people, but with a different role, in a different capacity, with a different tone, carrying a different intention, and portraying a different attitude.
Friday night showed me more than just booze and karaoke. There was craziness, epicness, togetherness and friendships forged that will last a lifetime, I suppose. 3 years and counting, we still manage to come together to learn from each other, know each other, and interest ourselves in how the rest are doing. The things we do can be crazy, because there are definitely no boundaries that we know of.
There are so many moments in life for reflection, or to be wasted through the staring into empty space, or to educate others with. To live with an empty mind is to see with closed eyes. The Dark Knight Rises is a movie served up with a scrumptious load of action, and comic-hero-style served on a shiny platter. That's the problem - the movie is far too surreal and incredulous for the usual folk, but people would pay to see such stunts. People would gladly pay to see justice and faith restored in the hearts of an entire city. People would pay to enjoy the moments of excitement and triumph felt, each time Batman performs a reckless move all in the name of poetic justice. And then I thought of how life would be a lot more interesting if we had all that drama.
A storm is brewing, but we still live like there's nothing to fear, nothing to fix, and nothing more to give.
There are many decisions I can make; and to be honest, throughout my life I've made more than one reckless decision that has caused devastation. But there are also decisions that I can't make - decisions that warp my mind so bad it hurts just to say it, or even do it; decisions that are nothing more than downright selfish, self-fulfilling and self-gratifying; decisions that make the whole world seem like a joke, and myself the greatest joker who manages to convince the world that the sun rises from the west. Tough decisions are no longer tough when the only route and available option presents itself to you after meticulous deliberation. I've always told others that how hard I fight a war shows how desperate I am. In the face of crisis, caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, there are wars that I can no longer fight, or commitments I can no longer selfishly decide upon. So I'll let them be. I'll let the test drive us all to desperation. I'll let you call me a fraud, a liar, a hypocrite, and then I'll know how dark this microcosm of a society can be. No, I'm not a martyr. I'm a superhero in the making.
Decadence is inevitable, but what's worse is how self-delusional we have become, and how certain of our misguidance we have arrived at. The wisdom was never passed down. Tides change quicker than the beach can accept them. The result is a cosy beach with such fine sand - a perfect getaway for the sole purpose of relaxation and, frankly, finer sand.
Sunday was a catch-up session with the people I don't see around anymore, even though they were a huge part of my work life previously. I am amazed how easily we can hit off despite treading different paths after all these while. I'm even more amazed about how fast people can change environments, survive, adapt, discard, and then forget. Maybe memories are a hard bunch to keep, or we're all moving too fast to turn and look back, but most importantly, we all seem happy when we're together. That's probably what I hope it would be like for me, 1 year down the road, with the same people, but with a different role, in a different capacity, with a different tone, carrying a different intention, and portraying a different attitude.
Friday night showed me more than just booze and karaoke. There was craziness, epicness, togetherness and friendships forged that will last a lifetime, I suppose. 3 years and counting, we still manage to come together to learn from each other, know each other, and interest ourselves in how the rest are doing. The things we do can be crazy, because there are definitely no boundaries that we know of.
There are so many moments in life for reflection, or to be wasted through the staring into empty space, or to educate others with. To live with an empty mind is to see with closed eyes. The Dark Knight Rises is a movie served up with a scrumptious load of action, and comic-hero-style served on a shiny platter. That's the problem - the movie is far too surreal and incredulous for the usual folk, but people would pay to see such stunts. People would gladly pay to see justice and faith restored in the hearts of an entire city. People would pay to enjoy the moments of excitement and triumph felt, each time Batman performs a reckless move all in the name of poetic justice. And then I thought of how life would be a lot more interesting if we had all that drama.
A storm is brewing, but we still live like there's nothing to fear, nothing to fix, and nothing more to give.
There are many decisions I can make; and to be honest, throughout my life I've made more than one reckless decision that has caused devastation. But there are also decisions that I can't make - decisions that warp my mind so bad it hurts just to say it, or even do it; decisions that are nothing more than downright selfish, self-fulfilling and self-gratifying; decisions that make the whole world seem like a joke, and myself the greatest joker who manages to convince the world that the sun rises from the west. Tough decisions are no longer tough when the only route and available option presents itself to you after meticulous deliberation. I've always told others that how hard I fight a war shows how desperate I am. In the face of crisis, caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, there are wars that I can no longer fight, or commitments I can no longer selfishly decide upon. So I'll let them be. I'll let the test drive us all to desperation. I'll let you call me a fraud, a liar, a hypocrite, and then I'll know how dark this microcosm of a society can be. No, I'm not a martyr. I'm a superhero in the making.
Decadence is inevitable, but what's worse is how self-delusional we have become, and how certain of our misguidance we have arrived at. The wisdom was never passed down. Tides change quicker than the beach can accept them. The result is a cosy beach with such fine sand - a perfect getaway for the sole purpose of relaxation and, frankly, finer sand.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
The Last of It
All-time favourite song: Joe Brooks - Superman
If I could be a superman I'd fly you to the stars and back again
'Cause every time you touch my hand, you feel my powers running through your veins
But I can only write this song and tell you that I'm not that strong
'Cause I'm no superman I hope you like me as I am
If I could be a superman I'd fly you to the stars and back again
'Cause every time you touch my hand, you feel my powers running through your veins
But I can only write this song and tell you that I'm not that strong
'Cause I'm no superman I hope you like me as I am
Monday, July 16, 2012
Standard Bearer
I couldn't control myself. I did it again. I swear I wasn't like that 1.5 years ago - wanting nothing more than just to get out of this god-forsaken place. But now, now I want so much more. I want so much for myself, and most importantly, for others, that I think I really must stop now. So I will.
I don't want to live this way. I feel so tired trying to improve the lives of others through incessant teaching and relentless drilling and mindless chanting. Maybe that's how a teacher is like. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be like, but I'm sure it's not. I'm sure there is a better way of doing this, and I want to know that way. I want to get the hell out of here as soon as possible because another minute I dwell in this sinking ship I think I'm going insane. There is absolutely nothing that I'm fighting for, and I am amazed at how long I've been pushing myself on on empty cartridges of energy and driving myself forward on empty tanks of fuel. It cannot be possible, really, but it just happens. What is wrong with me? How do I feel so cheated and not do anything about it?
But you don't understand. You will never understand. You will see my struggle, but you will not experience my struggle. You will run the show in a totally different manner, and I think many would like that. No one likes a nagger. But I nag simply because it's just not good enough. And trust me when I tell you what's good enough and what's not, because that's the standard I've been put through. Nothing less than that can ever be considered adequate; yes, I'd like to see it that way. Call me an asshole for all you want. I think playing the bad guy is pretty cool :)
I don't want to live this way. I feel so tired trying to improve the lives of others through incessant teaching and relentless drilling and mindless chanting. Maybe that's how a teacher is like. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be like, but I'm sure it's not. I'm sure there is a better way of doing this, and I want to know that way. I want to get the hell out of here as soon as possible because another minute I dwell in this sinking ship I think I'm going insane. There is absolutely nothing that I'm fighting for, and I am amazed at how long I've been pushing myself on on empty cartridges of energy and driving myself forward on empty tanks of fuel. It cannot be possible, really, but it just happens. What is wrong with me? How do I feel so cheated and not do anything about it?
But you don't understand. You will never understand. You will see my struggle, but you will not experience my struggle. You will run the show in a totally different manner, and I think many would like that. No one likes a nagger. But I nag simply because it's just not good enough. And trust me when I tell you what's good enough and what's not, because that's the standard I've been put through. Nothing less than that can ever be considered adequate; yes, I'd like to see it that way. Call me an asshole for all you want. I think playing the bad guy is pretty cool :)
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Mr. Lonely
For most part, regrettably, I'm alone.
Today started off pretty gloomy - after showers with an overcast sky, cold air draping over the city. To add on to the gloominess, I was on my way to release someone from detention. Oh, no, I'm not complaining about that having to do it; I'm just saying, it's not exactly a very joyful thing to do. It's not my first time, but every time I do it I feel a little sad inside, because even though some of them really deserved it, there are some who were in there just because somewhere, something went wrong and in a twist of events and luck pushed too far they end up in there. Nobody could really expect when it will happen.
His parents and friends were there to pick him up. I briefly spoke to his parents and got to know a little more. I also came to know that they visited him once every week. When I went in there to get him, I could hear in his voice that he was excited. And true enough, he was, when he saw them there waiting for him. They offered to fetch me too, and we left hurriedly.
Throughout the journey I felt detached from reality. There were no tears, no sad story, no grievances, no complains, just genuine elation in knowing that he is moving along to something new and leaving that place behind. There was joy in the conversations with his friends, and a quiet appreciation, if it actually could be felt, that permeated the interior of the car. I was silent throughout.
And then I remember my own journeys. Just as silent. Just as inert. Just as nonparticipating.
I am not ashamed to admit that I'm jealous of happy families, close friends that can almost do everything together, childhood buddies who have seen all of you, known all of you, but still want to hang around you so much because they love you. Where can I find this feeling of bliss? Or have I been locking myself out for too long to ask for it anymore?
There's a time for change, and I am getting closer to it.
Today started off pretty gloomy - after showers with an overcast sky, cold air draping over the city. To add on to the gloominess, I was on my way to release someone from detention. Oh, no, I'm not complaining about that having to do it; I'm just saying, it's not exactly a very joyful thing to do. It's not my first time, but every time I do it I feel a little sad inside, because even though some of them really deserved it, there are some who were in there just because somewhere, something went wrong and in a twist of events and luck pushed too far they end up in there. Nobody could really expect when it will happen.
His parents and friends were there to pick him up. I briefly spoke to his parents and got to know a little more. I also came to know that they visited him once every week. When I went in there to get him, I could hear in his voice that he was excited. And true enough, he was, when he saw them there waiting for him. They offered to fetch me too, and we left hurriedly.
Throughout the journey I felt detached from reality. There were no tears, no sad story, no grievances, no complains, just genuine elation in knowing that he is moving along to something new and leaving that place behind. There was joy in the conversations with his friends, and a quiet appreciation, if it actually could be felt, that permeated the interior of the car. I was silent throughout.
And then I remember my own journeys. Just as silent. Just as inert. Just as nonparticipating.
I am not ashamed to admit that I'm jealous of happy families, close friends that can almost do everything together, childhood buddies who have seen all of you, known all of you, but still want to hang around you so much because they love you. Where can I find this feeling of bliss? Or have I been locking myself out for too long to ask for it anymore?
There's a time for change, and I am getting closer to it.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Love Story
Finding the perfect one from an enormous crowd of people cannot be easy. Maybe that's why people settle for less than perfect - not because they are lazy, or because they are undeserving, but because there is no perfect one.
Seeking for perfection in your other half is a one-way ticket to disaster, simply because anything less than what you expect may very well create an argument that develops into a catastrophe. Okay, I'm just exaggerating here. Not quite short of the actual situation, though. I've seen friends who seem so happy together suddenly find themselves tired of each other, or unable to tolerate the other person's daily habits. In fact, when they tell me their stories, it's almost always common that, in my opinion, they've expected far too much perfection from the other person that as time goes by anything short of perfection is tantamount to a death sentence.
Till this day I'm still looking for the one girl who would sing a duet with me, eat all my unwanted veggies in a meal, stand as tall as my shoulder, love to walk around aimlessly and end up somewhere unnervingly foreign, adore watching movies, and yes, like to cook.
There can't be this person. Seriously.
But that doesn't mean I shouldn't keep searching. All these qualities I desire may not be present at first (except maybe the singing part and the as-tall-as-my-shoulder), but possibly along the way may be developed upon. Moral of the story is: There is no need to seek perfection in whoever you're after, because at the end of the day, perfection is but a selfish request. For all you know, your other half might have also attempted to seek perfection in you. How does that feel? And for those who are already together, the fact that you are loving each other right now like there's no tomorrow, is enough testament to which how you've found each other to be the next best thing from perfect.
Nobody wants to be forever alone. (I think...) And trust me, those who say they'd rather be... are better off left alone. I have so many romantic thoughts in my mind but no one to express them to. That's kinda sad, really. Okay... I'm trying not to weep here... haha
Being loved is probably the sweetest thing that can happen to anyone. I can't remember the last time someone made me feel that way, but damn, I'm longing for that feeling again. Gosh. I sound so desperate. After I ORD. I promise! :)
Talking to the moon,
trying to get to you;
In hopes you're on the other side
talking to me too,
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
talking to the moon?
Must be a love story between two wolves.
Seeking for perfection in your other half is a one-way ticket to disaster, simply because anything less than what you expect may very well create an argument that develops into a catastrophe. Okay, I'm just exaggerating here. Not quite short of the actual situation, though. I've seen friends who seem so happy together suddenly find themselves tired of each other, or unable to tolerate the other person's daily habits. In fact, when they tell me their stories, it's almost always common that, in my opinion, they've expected far too much perfection from the other person that as time goes by anything short of perfection is tantamount to a death sentence.
Till this day I'm still looking for the one girl who would sing a duet with me, eat all my unwanted veggies in a meal, stand as tall as my shoulder, love to walk around aimlessly and end up somewhere unnervingly foreign, adore watching movies, and yes, like to cook.
There can't be this person. Seriously.
But that doesn't mean I shouldn't keep searching. All these qualities I desire may not be present at first (except maybe the singing part and the as-tall-as-my-shoulder), but possibly along the way may be developed upon. Moral of the story is: There is no need to seek perfection in whoever you're after, because at the end of the day, perfection is but a selfish request. For all you know, your other half might have also attempted to seek perfection in you. How does that feel? And for those who are already together, the fact that you are loving each other right now like there's no tomorrow, is enough testament to which how you've found each other to be the next best thing from perfect.
Nobody wants to be forever alone. (I think...) And trust me, those who say they'd rather be... are better off left alone. I have so many romantic thoughts in my mind but no one to express them to. That's kinda sad, really. Okay... I'm trying not to weep here... haha
Being loved is probably the sweetest thing that can happen to anyone. I can't remember the last time someone made me feel that way, but damn, I'm longing for that feeling again. Gosh. I sound so desperate. After I ORD. I promise! :)
Talking to the moon,
trying to get to you;
In hopes you're on the other side
talking to me too,
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
talking to the moon?
Must be a love story between two wolves.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Building blocks
How can I be honest with you when I can't even be honest with myself?
I've realised that I'm really not that good at consoling people after all. I don't even try hard enough. It seems that all I have to do is just shut up and pretend that everything is alright, and then hope that somehow you don't feel so lousy about everything else anymore. There has to be some other way; I'm sure, but I just don't have the flair and capacity in this aspect. All I do is listen and advise and learn to suck it all up like a vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to entertain the people around me. How did I even arrive at this situation? Well I'm glad, at least, that I'm not the actor you are. I've never liked those pretentious and flambouyant douche-bags who try to put up a show before others. I'm sorry that I'm looking at you this way because, honestly, I haven't really changed my opinion of you since the very first day we've met, although I've learned to accept this as part of your character. And frankly speaking, despite acknowledging your competency, I believe I'm more depressed by the sick impression you paint for me than the facade that you present as a glamour. Sure you might be talented, but you're poisonous and seditious at the same time. I've to admit - it's a love-hate relationship. Truth be told, there can only be one survivor and I think I've already surrendered previously as the substitute.
I am still a staunch believer of the extremities of the way of things. There is no middle range or limbo when it comes to commitment. You can be either a wholehearted and diligent person or you can be just paying lip service. To put short, you either give a damn or you don't. You will see what I mean, when you try to process this: "I think... I give half-a-damn." You don't seem like the sort and I certainly hope I haven't judged you wrongly, because there's something special in you that draws me so close and make me hold my breath just watching you progress, AND and and and and and, we're moving one step closer towards perfection :)
I can't stand how I try to be a perfectionist at times. It's insane - the amount of energy and time I spent deliberating and contemplating and musing and fine-tuning - I can only say it's exhausting. But it's all for the greater good, and it's only fair that I get rewarded for all the effort. My reward is simply the sense of accomplishment.
Weirdo...
I've realised that I'm really not that good at consoling people after all. I don't even try hard enough. It seems that all I have to do is just shut up and pretend that everything is alright, and then hope that somehow you don't feel so lousy about everything else anymore. There has to be some other way; I'm sure, but I just don't have the flair and capacity in this aspect. All I do is listen and advise and learn to suck it all up like a vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to entertain the people around me. How did I even arrive at this situation? Well I'm glad, at least, that I'm not the actor you are. I've never liked those pretentious and flambouyant douche-bags who try to put up a show before others. I'm sorry that I'm looking at you this way because, honestly, I haven't really changed my opinion of you since the very first day we've met, although I've learned to accept this as part of your character. And frankly speaking, despite acknowledging your competency, I believe I'm more depressed by the sick impression you paint for me than the facade that you present as a glamour. Sure you might be talented, but you're poisonous and seditious at the same time. I've to admit - it's a love-hate relationship. Truth be told, there can only be one survivor and I think I've already surrendered previously as the substitute.
I am still a staunch believer of the extremities of the way of things. There is no middle range or limbo when it comes to commitment. You can be either a wholehearted and diligent person or you can be just paying lip service. To put short, you either give a damn or you don't. You will see what I mean, when you try to process this: "I think... I give half-a-damn." You don't seem like the sort and I certainly hope I haven't judged you wrongly, because there's something special in you that draws me so close and make me hold my breath just watching you progress, AND and and and and and, we're moving one step closer towards perfection :)
I can't stand how I try to be a perfectionist at times. It's insane - the amount of energy and time I spent deliberating and contemplating and musing and fine-tuning - I can only say it's exhausting. But it's all for the greater good, and it's only fair that I get rewarded for all the effort. My reward is simply the sense of accomplishment.
Weirdo...
Monday, June 25, 2012
Halfway out
I not only want more for myself, but I want more for you, too. When you told me about how this was something that you'd expected, I can't help but feel sorry for you. I wished you were more different, but I guess now I just want you to stay true as who you are, because I think I'm loving the real you.
There are things that are never meant to be, no matter how hard you try. I'm not gonna feel sorry for not making someone else happier than he/she is now, because that's not my job. My job is to make myself feel happy. If you are my friend, you would feel the same way too; so friends are always happy together no matter what.
We are drifting apart yet another time. I hate this feeling of uncertainty and wild guesses. But this is not yet the worse. Assumption is the killer. It is uncertainty and wild guesses manifested into solid thoughts and musings that will threaten to undermine even the strongest of foundations.
I may have refused to admit previously, but deep down I know that I'm selfish. There are too many times when I decide to do things my own way without sparing a thought for others, regardless family, friends, colleagues or mere strangers. Sometimes I tell myself to let it go, but sometimes I just feel like pushing my luck, transcending my limits, outdo my boundaries. It's never nice to work around someone so ambitious. Life will be tough. I don't really like myself like that either, but I strongly believe that this is the only way things can be done.
"Try to find joy in this," I'd told myself. Funny thing is, I already have.
There are things that are never meant to be, no matter how hard you try. I'm not gonna feel sorry for not making someone else happier than he/she is now, because that's not my job. My job is to make myself feel happy. If you are my friend, you would feel the same way too; so friends are always happy together no matter what.
We are drifting apart yet another time. I hate this feeling of uncertainty and wild guesses. But this is not yet the worse. Assumption is the killer. It is uncertainty and wild guesses manifested into solid thoughts and musings that will threaten to undermine even the strongest of foundations.
I may have refused to admit previously, but deep down I know that I'm selfish. There are too many times when I decide to do things my own way without sparing a thought for others, regardless family, friends, colleagues or mere strangers. Sometimes I tell myself to let it go, but sometimes I just feel like pushing my luck, transcending my limits, outdo my boundaries. It's never nice to work around someone so ambitious. Life will be tough. I don't really like myself like that either, but I strongly believe that this is the only way things can be done.
"Try to find joy in this," I'd told myself. Funny thing is, I already have.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Behind those masks
Why, when I talk to you, you refuse to listen to me? Why, even when you witness it for yourself, you choose not to believe your eyes? Is it so hard to admit something is wrong or, for that matter, that you're wrong? I know you're not blind, but you choose to be; and it's fine by me.
I promised not to give up, so I won't. I will honour that promise till the very last day. But I will give up on those who don't want to save themselves. I shouldn't be soft. You shouldn't make me a caricature of yourself. I wouldn't let you, anyway.
But I feel so cold inside.
I promised not to give up, so I won't. I will honour that promise till the very last day. But I will give up on those who don't want to save themselves. I shouldn't be soft. You shouldn't make me a caricature of yourself. I wouldn't let you, anyway.
But I feel so cold inside.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Fighter
This is a lonely Friday night spent doing duty / work in the office, with nobody to disturb me or tell me that I'm crazy. Yes, you may imagine the sad and emo song playing in the background, while I'm sitting here typing away. Alone.
If you ask me, I'm actually not afraid to admit that I like my job. After all, if this is mandatory, I don't want to spend the time hating the things I do, or feel cheated into this entire episode. I mentioned to harvard that even though I shouldn't be liking what I'm doing, I take pride in what I do, that hating my job is just not my style.
Scrolling through my mailbox from the end of December last year, I am reminded of so many unhappy moments. Truth be told, I felt extremely depressed at a certain point in time when I was here last December. I remember having to do so many things, and answer for even more, to the extent that I sometimes had to answer for the mistakes of others, or be questioned relentlessly on my own proficiencies. It felt awful, knowing that there were so many gross errors that made me feel so much like a loser. And maybe I was.
I always tell myself: Nobody needs to know how hard you work, or how diligent and efficient you can be. I've done so many things, and none for the sake of credit or glory; because when you truly take pride in the stuff you do, there's nothing else more important that seeing it come to fruition. That is the promise I made to myself.
Everyone should strive to be like my Nokia phone. In this week alone, I've dropped it more than 10 times. Hard. But still, despite all the unintentional abuse, it never seems to falter, or fail me in it's most basic functions. It comes back battered but still fighting; fighting to provide its user what's expected of it. I wish we could all be like that. Even if sometimes when what doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger, but weaker instead, I hope we can all know that mentally we've all grown stronger and tougher and more resilient than the last time, albeit physical lethargy. I know I've grown. But looking at the mails I went through yesterday, I am also proud to announce that even though some of us are still stuck at square one, a few of us actually made marked improvements to become who we are now - robust and still fighting, never giving in to the things that threaten to daunt us everyday.
I feel like a fighter.
And the day when I leave I will still remember this day. It's not a spectacularly eventful day, or a memorable one for that matter, but it's the day I bore testament to the hard work and effort everyone else have been putting in for the past many months to make this place a better place, and my life an easier one. For that I'm immensely grateful. And I will always be.
If you ask me, I'm actually not afraid to admit that I like my job. After all, if this is mandatory, I don't want to spend the time hating the things I do, or feel cheated into this entire episode. I mentioned to harvard that even though I shouldn't be liking what I'm doing, I take pride in what I do, that hating my job is just not my style.
Scrolling through my mailbox from the end of December last year, I am reminded of so many unhappy moments. Truth be told, I felt extremely depressed at a certain point in time when I was here last December. I remember having to do so many things, and answer for even more, to the extent that I sometimes had to answer for the mistakes of others, or be questioned relentlessly on my own proficiencies. It felt awful, knowing that there were so many gross errors that made me feel so much like a loser. And maybe I was.
I always tell myself: Nobody needs to know how hard you work, or how diligent and efficient you can be. I've done so many things, and none for the sake of credit or glory; because when you truly take pride in the stuff you do, there's nothing else more important that seeing it come to fruition. That is the promise I made to myself.
Everyone should strive to be like my Nokia phone. In this week alone, I've dropped it more than 10 times. Hard. But still, despite all the unintentional abuse, it never seems to falter, or fail me in it's most basic functions. It comes back battered but still fighting; fighting to provide its user what's expected of it. I wish we could all be like that. Even if sometimes when what doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger, but weaker instead, I hope we can all know that mentally we've all grown stronger and tougher and more resilient than the last time, albeit physical lethargy. I know I've grown. But looking at the mails I went through yesterday, I am also proud to announce that even though some of us are still stuck at square one, a few of us actually made marked improvements to become who we are now - robust and still fighting, never giving in to the things that threaten to daunt us everyday.
I feel like a fighter.
And the day when I leave I will still remember this day. It's not a spectacularly eventful day, or a memorable one for that matter, but it's the day I bore testament to the hard work and effort everyone else have been putting in for the past many months to make this place a better place, and my life an easier one. For that I'm immensely grateful. And I will always be.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Unlimited
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| Unlimited by Pieke Bergmans (r) |
It’s getting tiring, knowing that so many things are beyond control. I’ve seen the biggest of changes, and I’ve seen the most fickle of minds. I always tell my friends that I see things that other people can't - not in that sense - I see through people, like read their minds or somehow "see" their thoughts. Creepy eh? But do I really see everything? I don't deny that I sometimes miss certain signals and hints.
And I guess it really is kind of a blessing to not see everything that's happening around you. When you see too many things you tend to wanna take control or feel included - or maybe that's just me. I've been very careful, actually, to not get myself involved in every small little detail and unnecessary trouble. But what truly keeps me at the line is my own abilities. Yea, I'm limited.
I feel like I have less and less sensible thoughts but more and more meaningless and frivolous ideas in my mind nowadays. I even find it kinda amazing how I'm still able to write this even though there's really nothing going through my mind now except how I need to start sleeping early and taking care of my skin and improve my singing voice and all the whatnot. In fact, it feels like I've lost interest in anything and everything.
I'm starting to see everyone around me as who they truly are, and I think that's a great improvement and achievement for me, because of the way I used to see people. I won't say I'm an excellent judge of character, but I'll say I'm pretty decent in, erm, "categorising" people. I never believed in first impression; everything is a facade until the true self of a person is revealed, and for that we all need to know them a little more than their facial features and actions.
If I "couldn't care less", you "couldn't get more". Because no one is unlimited.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Fair enough?
The world is hardly fair. There are things that you want, but know you'll never get. Don't even try convincing me with the sort of bullshit like "You didn't try hard enough!" or "You don't want it badly enough!" or even "You know, someday you'll finally get it. All you have to do is persevere." Seriously, you need to wake up your idea if you're thinking that. Why not you look into the mirror and say someday you're gonna be as rich and successful and good-looking as Brad Pitt, then realise how silly you sound. You're welcome.
So when sometimes the world is not fair, we turn around and blame ourselves. We blame ourselves for being inadequate. We blame ourselves for being unable to complete certain things, even when we know it's not our fault. We blame ourselves for not being able to live up to "social standards", which is really very subjective. But that's not fair either. We don't have to blame ourselves for things that are not in our control. We don't need to feel bad just because we didn't donate to the poor souls who have suffered in the Sichuan or Haiti earthquake. The key to this is knowing that you have limits too. Never put yourself to think that people yearn for your help and solely your help. In essence, don't feel guilty for the things that you couldn't have done.
Then we realise that the world is never fair, and neither is blaming ourselves for the things that are beyond our control; so we blame the world. That is when we fall into a vicious cycle of finger-pointing, bitter arguments, jealousy, and unwarranted angst. Of course, when we blame the world, we don't literally blame the world. We blame those people living in this world that are seemingly better off than us - and that's perfectly fine, as long as it doesn't go way overboard to the extent that you hate your life and feel so miserable that there is a person better than you and stuff of that sort. In fact, a little jealousy is good. It motivates and encourages people to strive for greater achievements.
Sometimes I feel like I really have to talk to people to offload some mind-boggling issues. When I feel like this now, I want to take a break. But the people I can talk to won't understand, and the people who really need to understand - I can't talk to.
So when sometimes the world is not fair, we turn around and blame ourselves. We blame ourselves for being inadequate. We blame ourselves for being unable to complete certain things, even when we know it's not our fault. We blame ourselves for not being able to live up to "social standards", which is really very subjective. But that's not fair either. We don't have to blame ourselves for things that are not in our control. We don't need to feel bad just because we didn't donate to the poor souls who have suffered in the Sichuan or Haiti earthquake. The key to this is knowing that you have limits too. Never put yourself to think that people yearn for your help and solely your help. In essence, don't feel guilty for the things that you couldn't have done.
Then we realise that the world is never fair, and neither is blaming ourselves for the things that are beyond our control; so we blame the world. That is when we fall into a vicious cycle of finger-pointing, bitter arguments, jealousy, and unwarranted angst. Of course, when we blame the world, we don't literally blame the world. We blame those people living in this world that are seemingly better off than us - and that's perfectly fine, as long as it doesn't go way overboard to the extent that you hate your life and feel so miserable that there is a person better than you and stuff of that sort. In fact, a little jealousy is good. It motivates and encourages people to strive for greater achievements.
Sometimes I feel like I really have to talk to people to offload some mind-boggling issues. When I feel like this now, I want to take a break. But the people I can talk to won't understand, and the people who really need to understand - I can't talk to.
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