The Binge

I'm truly a pathetic creature. It is no longer appalling to me that I am a person of regrets. I would often walk about trying to seek for something fulfilling in the realms of the living but I am in fact a dead man walking. I am the epitome of the "you only know something something when you lose something something" philosophy. For umpteen times I let indulgence get the better of me and live more in the present than I would permit myself to think of the future. I have absolutely no intention to emulate James Dean (he's overrated anyway) because for someone as similarly confused about adolescence, I actually do think about my future, regardless how bleak it might be.

Part of me is excited for school to start soon; a matter in merely 2 weeks. Another part of me seems to be reluctant to forsake the abundance of time I have on my hands - enough to binge-watch 3 full TV series (that's 8 seasons for you right there). I also happen to be investing my time very liberally on a dozen of movies. Per week. Once in a while I still feel a little surreal about my situation. Considering the audacity and absurdity of throwing away a somewhat promising course of study that would apparently be "more secure" in terms of prospective employment, for something so volatile and unpredictable, I sometimes find myself in a bewilderment of my own life choices. But despite all my regrets, this is not one of them. I need no reassurance on something so charged and propelled by an inner dedication and passion. I just know; I won't be the conventional person that B&F will churn me out to be. I am ambitious, competitive, and emotive (I really don't think I'm at all intelligent haha), but to quote Amy in Suits: Money bores me. Somehow this is such a ludicrous notion to many, especially to a person educated in the "meritocratic" Singapore. I maintain that although nobody ever finds money excessive, there is always a certain amount that is a sweet balance between "counting pennies" and "filthy rich". I think I always have. I grew up counting pennies. I never experienced any semblance of financial freedom till I was about 17 years old. I rarely had the opportunity for exuberance. All these have not made me money-savvy; ironically, I tend to be rather imprudent when it comes to money. I think it's because my idea that "money should be just enough" has always made sure I wasn't short-changing myself within my means.

Reality

Today marks the end of my 6-day ICT. I dreaded going back because this really is an annual disruption to my otherwise uneventful civilian life. But I don't know why... I seem to be bewildered by my inexplicable zealousness. I have been told many many times that I'm over-committed to a purpose too fucked up for salvation, and each time my verbal denial just doesn't correspond to my actions. I'm done lying to myself or anyone, about not caring. I'm done feigning nonchalance. The truth is doing this gives me certain sense of accomplishment and I feel happy, weirdly. I'm not siao on or garang or whatever; I'm just simply someone who likes to see a nascent ecosystem evolve and grow into something I can be proud of.

It took me 15 minutes to get back home from camp, and the moment I reached home I showered and changed into home clothes - all ready to resume the daily activities of my monotonous lifestyle. It then came as an utterly obtuse juxtaposition: it was that easy and simple to assimilate back into reality from a one-week hiatus. There was chaos and crises for one entire week, and then there is just peace - a calm I have been deprived of for a week. The lack of sleep and mad rushing tired me out but it was also invigorating in a totally strange sense. I know that the only reason I survived this was because of the people that were around. It also made clear that despite of how much joy this ICT brought, it's not my life. It will always be the holiday that I deserve.

In the end, I asked myself: What is there not to love? What is there not to be proud of? What is there to hide? From now on, I shall always be excited.