Shut Up

If I tell others that I'm a failure, they'd probably console me and say "Hey, you're being too hard on yourself; you gotta relax." But I don't want you to tell me that. I don't even want to think that I'm doing this to myself. And frankly, I'm not happy. I'm not gonna lie and say otherwise because I'm done lying. I'm done lying to myself and everyone else. I can't finish this the way I want it and that's that. I'm accepting it and moving on.

Give Me Everything

If there was someone to rant to, I'd probably drown the person in saliva and go on and on about how everything seems like a mess.

There will always be mistakes. Errors. I never knew how hard it was holding it together until I really go through the same shit. There were times I felt so exasperated that I just didn't know what to do. But nothing is ever too hard to salvage, because determination is what carries us through life's thick and thin. Just because we are lost sometimes doesn't mean that we'll be lost forever.

If I could turn back time I'd still make the same decision. From the day I started I knew this path was going to be difficult. I hope you see it too, because I am not a life buoy. Not anymore after my time. I have given (and will be giving) everything I can to the unit. It cost me more than what anyone would expect but I think it's worth it. It's worth every single effort and complaint.

Working in here has taught me that when things go wrong and it's not your fault, you have to find a way to resolve it first, before we start talking about who to hunt and seek vengeance from afterwards. I find it extremely ridiculous that I am blamed for being blunt and straightforward for the things I expect in work. It's as if they've never been said or done before - a completely fresh idea - and when that happens I feel like someone should speak up. I used to do that, but it shouldn't be my war to fight anymore.

Growing Lazy

Reluctance is almost as insidious as laziness; they can be 2 separate things, but they're not exactly mutually exclusive either.

I have learned to be reluctant lately. If you don't know me by now, I'm not the lazy sort. In fact, I'd probably go the extra mile or many many miles just to get your stuff done for you, if I wanted to. But how can I do that, when all that I get in return is more expectations and greater anticipation? Like anyone else in the world, I only have 24 hours a day to spare. And even if I wanted to spend all of that my body wouldn't let me. I can understand now, how easy it is to decide on how you want to spend the 24 hours. The choice is, ultimately, and always has been, with you and solely you. No one else could tell you how to spend your time. They have no right, anyway.

Last week was hectic, with a supposedly long weekend that didn't seem long at all. My mind is so crowded now with the things I have to do and the things I would want to do and the things that I need to task someone else to do and the things I have to teach someone to do and the things that I can't do and the things I'd need more time to do and the... I'm sorry, I got carried away. Yea, you get what I mean. So damn crowded in there.

I remember mentioning before - every ORD ceremony has its magic. I'm one step closer, and one breath shorter. This time I see how my involvement wasn't really pivotal, or more bluntly, necessary. Don't think I'd underrate myself. I don't. But that's just how I see it; there wasn't really an active role that I was partaking, but everything else went on as expected and it turned out to be all okay. At some point in time we will all understand that no one is indispensable. Responsibility and accountability are things that can be cultivated in any person, if the individual tries hard enough and puts in the due diligence.

Relationships are so fragile. I can't mend what I've broken but I'll try my best to be who I think I should be. It's funny how people from so many different groups can see me in so many different perspectives. To some people I'm the nicest guy around; to some I'm the one they can depend on; to some I'm the one that's always busy, and you even apologise when you ask for a favour because you're afraid you've inconvenienced me; to some I'm the one to just make use of and that's it; to some they expect me to be able to know/do everything; to some I need to do their bidding just because I'm supposed to; to some I'm an asshole who tries too hard; to some it's as if I enjoy scolding people; to some I'm unreasonable; to some I always look stress; to some I'm unfathomable; to some, I'm just ordinary.

But I'm more than ordinary. I'm a superhero in the making. Imagine a life where you have everything you've ever wanted. Only then will you realise that saturation like that makes life pointless. It's just like achieving maximum level in a game, and maximising everything in every aspect of the game. The game is over. It becomes boring. There's nothing you can't do, and nothing surprises you, and you get tired of the same old thing because there's just nothing else that the game can offer you that will make you even slightly more interested in this thing of the past.

I feel like I've maxed out. Nothing really interests me anymore. And you know that, when the feeling of reluctance kicks in. I don't see a future in this, and you probably don't, too. The only difference is I can quit and you can't. I won't be selfish though. It'll be extremely selfish to think this way. I see you're beginning to see what I've been trying to tell you all along. It's not exactly too late, but it means that things are going to be pretty awry because the soil is already set.

I'm not gonna try so hard to make everybody like me. But I care that you don't hate me. Well, if you do, then I must say you've wasted my time on you. Life goes on. My life goes on.

Watch Your Step

The inspiration for today's blogpost came from 2 kids playing on the staircase. A seemingly innocent game of 2 sisters. Toddlers. Both of them raced up the stairs, and the older one of them won the race. The elder sister turned around and exclaimed: "I won!" The younger one reached not too much later, and said: "Yay, I made it."

While most of us find competition in most things everyday, there are other people who find it hard to keep up. Not everybody loves a competition, but everybody loves to win. If we're gonna make a competition out of every little thing in life then be prepared to feel disappointed all the time, because there's no way you could always win.

Think about losing. Sometimes it's disappointment with ourselves, but sometimes it's just plain hate and jealousy for the person who did better than you. How can we genuinely appreciate a congratulatory feeling for the winning party if such jealousy overtakes - or worse, overwhelms us? Indubitably, winning itself is a massive motivation for many to do well, to do better, and to do best. But how many people can stay level-headed when confronted with the sensation and bliss of winning, and not lose their principles on this arduous conquest for victory, even in life's daily challenges?

There will always be elites in the society, whether we like it or not. Let's not kid ourselves - they know they are better than us. Whether or not they let that get to their heads is another story altogether. I've seen smart people. Very smart people. People who are mostly right and rarely wrong. But they will be wrong. Sometimes. Not all the time. But when they're wrong, the instinct in them to win and be "right" pushes them so hard that they sometimes drown in self-denial, put up unnecessary arguments to justify their error, make excuses for their mistakes, or even insist that they are correct and challenge the fundamentals of knowledge that existed for centuries, only to ultimately find themselves in self-humiliating defeat. Do not doubt the existence of such people, because they are all around us everyday.

The desire to win; it's in all of us. We can't shake it out. It's intrinsic. It's inherent. The propensity for us to outdo someone else is etched in every human being, whether you like it or not. The only thing we can do about it is control it. Do you really think it feels better to win the silver medal rather than the gold medal in the Olympics? I doubt so. All of them participating, of course, are in the game for a gold. Nobody participates to lose. But when they don't turn out to be the best, they're back at this route again: Sometimes it's disappointment with ourselves, but sometimes it's just plain hate and jealousy for the person who did better than you. If they feel the former, good for them. The loss serves as an immense motivation to do better, to do better than the best. But if they feel the latter, they have failed to grasp a valuable life-skill. Instead of "You did good. You were incredible. I'll definitely do better than that next time and take that gold from you!" we have "I'm gonna fucking beat you the next time. Just you watch it." Turns out winning and losing can generate love and admiration or hate and animosity.

So to those who are still keeping scores, I hope you're doing it the right way, and not for the wrong reasons. I never believed in that, because for one I know there are tons of people out there that can outdo me in almost anything that matters, but I'm not bothered by the least bit.

Most recently in TeenWolf, Stiles said to Scott, "I want to help, but I can't do the things that you can. I can't." I hope you see and understand that I'm actually in the same position. There are things that I can't do even with the best of my abilities. To put bluntly, it's the lack of adequacy. So go on and do the things that you can. Even though Stiles can't do the things Scott can, he is always trying to assist in one way or another. And till the day that I can no longer render my service to you, I humble myself before you, to help you change the things you have to, guide the people you need to, and achieve the goals you want to.

Even superheroes need their sidekicks. For the record, none of them would have survived without the help of those who love them dearly enough to hang around despite knowing the difficulties of being a superhero, so... yup. I'm glad, because I made it so far. I didn't win, but I made it.

Start a Fire

I presume that everybody has their hopes and dreams. Some people wanna believe that dreams can become reality, while the sceptical ones probably refuse to think so. Ok, let's try not to be a wet blanket and insult those who believe in their dreams. And that includes me.

Now, when we set goals, we wanna make sure that these things are achievable, firstly. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be rich and famous and successful and hot and whatnot, but please, we know we've gone a little too far if we expect these things to come to us overnight. There must be some credibility and decency in our aims, or it'll be nothing but an empty hope, and even I will diss you for that sort of unrealistic fantasies.

I've definitely thought about how I want my life to turn out. No matter how hard I try I just can't picture myself in some financial institution trying to make big bucks through investments and banking and money money stuff like that o.O well but somehow I chose to do business in uni... Ironic.

I want to start a business of my own. I have that idea popping inside my head since the start of last year, and I think I might have accidentally leaked it out to a few people (oops) but I still believe in it so.. no, I'm not gonna share it here in case you steal my idea. Haha!

Of course I've thought of being famous as a singer and stuff but I've neither got the looks nor talent so I'd leave it to the world of beautiful and attractive people to do it. Yea, not gonna be an eyesore. But, you know, for the record, this was one of my dreams hmm... I guess it's hard, especially how we all know that Singapore's entertainment industry is not exactly the most exciting one around. We look at Hollywood for movies, we look at Korea for K-pop, we look at Taiwan for Mandarin pop, and we look at Hong Kong for drama serials. The last place we'd look at is homegrown talent. Sad, but true.

So to all of you out there with intensely bright futures ahead of you, go on out to pursue your dreams with vigour and enthusiasm and burning passion and bountiful confidence. Who knows, you may actually find that dreams and reality are but two different realms of certainty blurred by your lack of determination. I'm sure we will all fulfill our hopes and dreams someday. Remember - the stars will always be there for you to reach. Never settle for less than what you can achieve, because doing so would not be doing justice to yourself, and the 7 billion people out there in the world who are a little less well-off without you realising your dream.

Cheers to all who live everyday fighting for something. And I'm glad simplicity is the new style. Gotta love that.

That's the Spirit

Sometimes you just feel so lost and helpless, and then you think to yourself: I can't do this anymore. Oh, but you can.

It's like how, in a war, the soldier's only purpose is to follow the orders and commands conveyed to him and execute it without question, without hesitation, without regrets. To be put in a position where following the lead is your only choice. There are things that you can do, that I can't; and there's no way I could ever make a choice on my own. When all things fail, hardening my resolve doesn't dissipate my disappointment in any way.

Talking to you made me feel sane again, because I realise that nobody really knows how to cure this illness. It's like poison. It infiltrates your system and corrupts it from the very core, and then it extends its influence into the peripheral, rendering you stricken with agony and writhing in uncontrollable pain, dissecting your mind to make you believe that the pain will lead to an imminent peace, yet also suggesting that a long-lasting torment as excruciating as possible may well be here to stay. The ultimate question is: "When will this end?"

Happiness is only a choice when you're actually given one. To look at things with exuberant positivity is really a skill only known to a handful. In fact, some may even view it as self-justified happiness - or forcing yourself to be happy. Of course, we all want to feel good all the time, but as some people put it, you'll never really know happiness if you've never truly experienced sadness.

To the many people I see in camp I probably exude and radiate a sense of "emo-ness". But I'm gonna let you in on a secret: I've never once felt that way. Being frustrated is one thing, being disappointed is another, but being overly upset about something - I've never experienced that. To put bluntly, I've no time for that. Things in here happen too fast for anyone to mull over the irrefutable. Some things are done so wrongly, so grossly wrongly, that it disgusts me to even humiliate you for it.

Thank you for teaching me this lesson. I think I know my role pretty well. I can't say the same for you.

Make the Cut

Oh gosh I think the ORD ceremony thing is hitting me again.

You see, I'm the perfect kind of employee. In my 1y2m here, I've never been late. Not even once. The number of medical leaves I take a year are less than what a hand can manage. The number of medical appointments I have are also within a hand's count. I voluntarily stay late to finish up my stuff, and if I can't I come back in the weekend to complete it. I've been law-abiding. I've been respectful and obedient. I'm as independent as anyone can get, and I rarely complain. I try my best at everything, and I answer for everything I've done wrong, sometimes even those that I haven't. I've been scolded a lot, but never was I once resentful. I've been humiliated a lot, but never was I once bitter.

It may even seem like I don't really care; but I do. In fact, I've been too patient with myself. I've always thought how people would judge me, but I've never realised, that it was I who have been too harsh on myself. Nobody expects this of me. I dug my own grave.

I was told that this organisation is special. I was told that if I could survive the shit that people rain on me in here, I could pretty much handle any other crap others have for me out there. I was told this is some sort of character training. But I was convinced that however hard you try there can only be little change. I don't know how I learned to believe that, but I do.

Every now and then I'd like to see myself as a teacher. I know how I always mention I want more for everyone around me, on how I think everyone can achieve a little more than what they think they can achieve - and then I'll be there to push you to your limits and set those higher expectations for you. Well, look, I'm sorry if I ever made anyone feel lousy about themselves, because despite all my insinuations and scoldings and lecturing I do know that these words - they hurt, like knives - can never be retracted and I cannot apologise enough for making all of you go through it.

Initially I was wondering: how on earth do the teachers get through the disappointment of an under-performing class? How can they not be emotionally affected that their class cannot outdo the "better" classes? How do they feel, and whether they have ever compared, or how does it feel like to know that the same amount of effort and teaching they give their class, given to another with higher aptitude, might bring wonderful results and outstanding grades? And then it hit me - like a full-blown hurricane - a revelation that I believe will be the answer I will accept.

They are not supposed to feel disappointed. They shouldn't, actually.

I admit that if I ever thought I was a teacher, I am a very horrible one. To know that there are limits to everybody's performance should have been the starting point of this endeavour. Who in the world gave me the right to put you down with words like that? Who on earth gave me the right to expect more than what you can give? I realise, albeit a little too late, that I haven't really been able to face the reality that not everyone is a A+ worker, efficient beyond imagination, hard-driven, full of initiative, enthusiastic. I can't even be enthusiastic about this; what gives me the right to demand that from you? Instead, I've been a hard-up idiot, a selfish bastard who cant commiserate with the struggles that you all face everyday. All I do is expect and demand. How easy is that? I forget how, as a teacher, if I may even be considered qualified after all, I should be encouraging. I should offer guidance. I should advise, but leave the choices to you, and trust that the ones you make are correct. Embrace your working style, forgive you for screwing up the things you didn't know how to do, reassure you when you feel lousy about yourself, and tell you I couldn't have done any better than you did, even if I could, because that's not the point. The point is not having everyone achieve my selfish standards, conforming to my style, to jam square pegs into round holes, or to make you feel inferior. Sure, this might mean lowering my expectations, having some disappointments here and there, but the point is to make sure everyone has a positive learning experience - one that actually makes you feel better about yourself. One that continues burning the flame inside of you.

I haven't realised how wrong I was until now. The moon will always wane and wax: the new moon, the crescent, the half moon, the gibbous, and the full moon - they all show the different stages of the same moon. So what if the moon was not always full? So what if seasons changed? These are things we cannot control, and it would be foolish if anyone were to think they could, because that's nature's very creation. People will learn to appreciate even the harshest of winters, and learn to tolerate the hottest of summers. Only time can tell whether this combination will be a success or failure, in which, actually, is not my call to make no matter how I see it. So let it go, I'll tell myself. Like you and I have pointed out: we see the problem, we let you know, we want to help you solve it, but it takes time. You may think we're stepping past our boundaries, but I don't care. The truth is the truth. What's the point of hiding it?

I could do the things I like. I could enjoy myself. I wouldn't tax myself on the things I cannot possibly achieve. I could have my secret discussions with you about how they would survive nonetheless - they always will, and they will find a way to - and I could stand by the side and watch the tree grow and bear fruits. All these, I believe, are the proudest things a teacher could acquire. Perhaps not all his students might get an A, but seriously, who's keeping scores? Perhaps all his students could get an A, but not all of them did, for known or unknown reasons, but I think at such a stage it's probably some personal choice already. It's like how you shouldn't feel bad for not buying from the uncle/auntie selling tissue packets at the hawker centre, because you didn't put them in that situation. Circumstances did, and it's not your fault. The best you could do is buy it to assuage the guilt you might feel, but hey, nobody's gonna point at you and call you a selfish bastard if you don't. If they do, let them. There will always be haters.

To end it off, I can finally tell myself to start on a clean slate. It felt good being the bad guy, though. For everything I do there is always a reason, and I will not blame you if you don't see it - because I deliberately concealed it. You wouldn't know how hard I fought to keep you, but it's okay. Nobody has to know. Let's just focus on how we can make the best out of the remaining of my time here.