Gratitude

Finally, I have something happy to write about.

This weekend was simply blissful. I got to meet up with my BMT section mates and the two people I've hung out with for a very long time now. 2 entirely different groups of people, but they somehow manage to bring out a joy in me that I haven't felt in a while.

First, the 5th Coy bunch. Meeting up with them was definitely delightful. All we had was a simple lunch (and some negligent LAN), but it was still amazing. We sat down and talked about the times in BMT, our lives now and later, who's doing what and other funny stuff. But there was just this inexplicable joy that felt so natural and genuine, like it was radiating from all of us. We were exulting our imminent ORD, and couldn't be more elated about it.

And then there was dinner with Red Sotong. I can't believe it's already almost 8 years. I mean, we hang out and do dinner all the time, but I'm not sure if it was my lifted spirits that particular day that I felt a deep sense of gratitude. I know we will always be friends, regardless where we end up in the future. Don't ask me how I know; I just do.

It's true that people come and go in our lives; in primary school we had friends, in secondary school we had friends, and in tertiary we had friends. Few and far between actually survive the arduous test of time and remain friends with you till today. You see, friends don't come into our lives and stay naturally. We have to make an effort to stay that way. You will never have lasting friends if you "can't spare an hour for lunch 'cos I gotta study", or "it's too far for me", or "nah, that sounds boring". These are the people who are at best ephemeral, but that doesn't mean they're not friends. They were, albeit not the permanent kind. Bottom line is: people don't stay friends if they take each other for granted. Time, distance, even money, can test our friendships but nothing beats commitment.

And perhaps it's the season of thanksgiving that has put me in such a mood for gratitude. But we don't have to wait for someone (or a festival) to tell us that we need to be thankful. I am extremely grateful to have wonderful friends, regardless close or distant, and I hope you feel the same way too. After hearing during the gathering what the other guys had to go through, I have to say I'm extremely fortunate to be given what I have, and doing what I'm doing. I forgot to be thankful for the things that I have that others don't, because comparison got the better of me. I remember my MSN display picture says this - Work Hard and Be Nice to People. I can't say for sure if I've lived up to that, and I'm ashamed if I haven't, but I swear I'm trying my best. We all get a little lost somewhere along the way. We just gotta find ourselves back and live by our motto.

I'm bracing myself for a new phase in life, and I can't wait.

RAWR - Read and Write Rubbish

I don't understand how this relationship works. Someone seriously needs to enlighten me how things can spin so out of control, when they are supposed to be locked down so securely at this point in time. I can literally feel my emotions swirling inside of me - a feeling I've come to accept as slightly ominous - and I feel like logic, sanity, and reality have all been taken over by an inner rage that was definitely not developed in any short period of time. Yes, apparently, I have anger management issues.

I live by a principle that perhaps most people don't agree with; and that's okay. I understand that I will never be able to please everyone in life. No doubt I will try, but I will not change who I am to accommodate you, and that's that. Conformity was never my strength, and never will be. If this somehow irritates or disturbs you on unbearable levels, I can only humbly apologise. My attitude towards excellence I will keep, and you can keep you own set of values.

We've all made mistakes. Perhaps I was too harsh, or I really do have anger management issues I refuse to admit to, but it didn't feel like an outburst. I meant every single word of it and I wouldn't retract them, even if given a second chance. Now that you see who I really am, I'm sorry to disappoint.

I am currently filled with utter disgust, although the aforementioned episode does not contribute entirely to this epic detest. I always thought that as long as we have a certain sense of logic and empathy, life can be made easier for everyone. I thought wrong. There are pretty insistent people out there who are one-track-minded, delusional to any explanation or attempts of logical persuasion. Instead, they hold true to their warped beliefs and ideals that frankly, serve no purposes and do no justice to absolutely anyone. I will present my case because I speak not only for myself, but for the people who have been so blatantly discredited because we are unconventional. I don't blame you for the prejudice; I always knew such sort of things existed, but to be a victim of it is a very sucky feeling, and I hope you can understand that. I swear I will fight to the ends of the earth to protect the most basic dignity of the victims, and I will not rest until you see my point. After that, if you still cannot accept my point of view, I will not insist on my ideals anymore. Such is not my style.

This month, ironically, has been rather eventful for me. I was hoping for something less melodramatic but I guess I'll have to take whatever comes - like how I've been dealing with all sorts of crap hurled at me all this time. It's good training.

On top of the unexpected saga, I am also pondering and contemplating on more civilian issues that press closer as I inch toward D-Day. Job applications, reapplication for Uni, thanks to my scumbag brain that can't seem to determine what I really want to do, management of my own finances, et cetera. I'd listen to my heart, but I can't seem to hear a thing. Don't ask me why I'm so indecisive. I can't fathom what I truly want as well.

However, amidst all this mess, there are still things that I am grateful for, like a rather high degree of freedom, and a relatively stress-free environment. I still appreciate the little moments in life where I can sip on my coffee and have nice long conversations with my friends. Such moments transcend all sorts of bullshit, and I am earnestly thankful for that.

Anyway, thanks for reading my crap.

Read My Lips

I'm one of those who believe that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps some people will call us delusional for trying to forcefully fix some explanation onto every important occurrence in our lives, but I still want to believe that everything has a purpose.

We've all made bad decisions before. At my age I wouldn't say that any of them were bad life decisions, but come to think of it, they somehow affect my life in a way or another, so technically, I can call them bad life decisions, can't I? Bad life decisions often come with utter regret and unwarranted nostalgia. You can't control it - some things can be redone or undone, while others are probably lost forever - but you can't stop yourself from thinking what could have happened, or what would have happened if you acted otherwise. It's human nature, and if I must say, it's probably one of those traits that make us human. To err and to regret, to truly feel for something or wanna change things. Truth is, we'll never know what will indeed happen; but it's alright. We could think: "Damn, it could have turned out that way...", but we will never know if it really does happen according to plan. And perhaps we should learn to embrace this mystery, an unknown, best left to our vivid imagination and fantasies.

I don't know about you, but can we really totally, completely and entirely forget one person? I mean, we were not mere acquaintances. Maybe we were, and I took it a little more than it could have been, but honestly, even if it wasn't something, it definitely wasn't nothing as well. Part of me tries hard to forget this brief episode, but part of me clings on to it like a grown-up looking through his high school yearbook. Don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to dig up the past or anything. It's just, it occurred to me - in my dreams, to be exact - that I actually wanted something more. But I wasn't brave enough. I thought it was a mistake. In fact, I still believe it's a mistake. I couldn't do it, and you and I both know why. But then again, I'll never know if it truly is a mistake unless it really does happen. That's the beauty of the mystery.

At the end of the day, the most I can do is to wallow in self-pity. A decision I came to rue, I guess, but right now I don't have the energy nor passion left to rekindle this. It happened for a reason that I'll never know, and it's best kept that way. I could regret how I pushed you away and rejected affection, how I should have took the hint, how I should have held your hand, how I should have pulled you in closer, how I should have manned-up and challenged it. For all you know, I wasn't ready for that. Or it could be even simpler - I didn't want you bad enough. I think you would rather I thought the former, but it's over. I'm over it.

Good For You

A time will come when the choice to care is not with you anymore - it's not that you don't; you simply can't.

For the minute I just wanna shut my eyes and ears to be oblivious to all the gossip and small talk. My time here is done, and my days are over. Some day I will look back and tell myself: "Hey, you made it!".

Almost There

I will not complain one single bit for all my remaining time in here. I never understood the rationale of complaining. I mean, what do you expect the person listening to the complaint to do? Solve the problem? Make you less whiny? In any sense, it involves compromising the person's happiness and transferring it to you. I hope you're happy, because if you're not, while trying to make a hell out of someone else's life, I pity whoever that is.

It's about time. Some 1 month left before I leave this place for even more mundane things. I am very unprepared for whatever is coming next, and I hope there's nothing I can do about it because I am simply too lazy to do it if there was something. Damn it. Before I realise, this seemingly arduous journey is going to end. We all know how time flies.