Dream

More than often in our lives, we are not contented with what we have. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. We should have goals and aspirations, even if they seem too distant.

We want things that other people have; that's envy. We want things that are hard to get; that's a challenge. We want things that we cannot have; that's being rebellious. Lastly, we want things that no one else has ever gotten, and no one else can ever have; and that's a dream.

Who is to say we can't have anything? We dream, we aim, we achieve, and make our lives worth living. Once you've set your mind on your dream, grab it and never let go.

So You Think You Can Love

The thing about love is it can never be equal, no matter how hard we strive for it to be. Mutual, yes; requited, yes; but equivalent, no.

We are all selfish by default, and when we love, we want to be loved, too. It's easy to say "You don't have to love me back", because that is infatuation, not love. Kinda like "I love Natalie Portman", and she doesn't even know I exist. No, that's not love. Strangely, even for such infatuations there is a burning desire for the person to love us back. (Oh c'mon, at least notice me!)

When we truly love someone, there's an unmistakable feeling of generosity. All the love and affection we've been saving up for our entire lives, we want to give to this person, or these people. It could be family, spouse, kin, friend, whoever, but we want them to feel loved, for some mystifying reason.

And the truth is, when we genuinely love someone, we never calculate who loves who more. We love them in the ways we think they would want to be loved, even if sometimes it might not be what they really want. It will never be "I love you as much as you love me", or " I love you equally". Sure, we say that all the time, but love is about wanting to love a person more than he/she can love us back; it's like a competition to see who can love more. We stop being calculative. We stop thinking about how it would inconvenience us, disadvantage ourselves, or even hurt us, because there is a heartfelt sentiment that is radiated by love. People can feel it, I'm telling you. It's not like trying to pitch a sale, or claiming credit for something you worked your ass off for. There is no "Look! Look at all this love I'm giving you!" And when someone feels your love, they can either choose to reciprocate it or reject it.

Nothing comes quite close to the feeling of having your love reciprocated. It's blissful. A stunning bliss. A breathtaking stunning bliss. Likewise, nothing can quite break your heart like an unrequited love. That feeling sucks. We can never make someone love us if they don't; we shouldn't even be trying that hard to. What we need to do is channel this love (and harness this heartbreak) to someone more deserving of a love like ours.

We used to compete with one another for good results, to come up top in class, clamour and vie for all the things we thought mattered. Well, love is kinda like that. When two people are in love, they bring out the best in each other through this competition. Perhaps along the way it might become taxing, or even labourious, but hold on to that love, I'm telling you. It is a feeling of nothing less than satisfaction, gratitude and appreciation.

Or to put simply, it feels like love. 

Farewell

At this point in time I think I'm no longer angry. I have better things to worry about.

When I said my lunch times are for gyming, you asked me "Lol one day don't gym cannot meh?" I almost flew into a rage, because if you can't give up mahjong on that night then why should I give up my gym for you? To be honest, I was extremely offended by that. And perhaps it had to do with me failing my driving for the third time, so I wasn't really in the best of moods. So that was what I told myself - I'm just PMS-ing and being a bitch about it.
 
When you told me you wanted dinner on Thursday night, I had forgone a game of Captain's ball at CCAB. So when you told me you couldn't make it for lunch on the next day either, I couldn't give two hoots about it. But then I thought about how I was probably being petty about the entire issue, so I asked you out for lunch today. Truth is, I was never the extrovert that had a Facebook full of friends. I thought about how pettiness like this would ruin the already sparse friendships I have, and decided to be the bigger man. I made a compromise.

I know you don't have time, and you know I don't, too. We're all busy people; we never have time for anything. But that's not how it should be. We make time for the things that we care about. When you make an appointment with someone, you keep to it, and that's that. I waited for your reply, and I watched the time pass from 1230 to 1300, from 1300 to 1330. I even waited till 1345 just to see if I could catch you for that 10 min. Alas, it was a wait that did not come to fruition. Never mind I wandered in town for an entire hour. Never mind not having proper lunch. Never mind that when you agreed to have lunch with me I declined my entire department of colleagues just for that. All I got was a lonely afternoon and lies I had to say about a "wonderful lunch" and a "delightful friend" when asked how it went.

You know how that felt? When someone else was your top priority but clearly you're not theirs? You wanna know how I felt after an hour of empty wait? It felt like someone punched me in the gut so hard it took the breath out of me for awhile, and I thought I could just lie down there writhing in pain. But the recovery was as swift as the pain that strikes you. As soon as the feeling was gone, I felt an emptiness. A kind of numbness. Then a wave of emotions overwhelmed me, as I thought about how excited I was, to hear about your itineraries, to tell you my plan to tour Europe, a possibility to meet there some time in May, and hug you goodbye because that's probably what you wanted. Well, none of that happened.

When you finally replied while I was on my way back to the office, telling me how terribly sorry you were, another wave of emotions - anger - surged through me. I thought I was on fire. I told you "It's okay have a safe trip," but it's not okay. I'm not okay. I was far from okay. I was livid with anger. I wanted to strangle someone, and if not you, anyone would do. But finally I was back to square one. Was I going to have an outburst and throw away a dear friendship?

I don't need apologies. I think I'm over that already. Call it over-reacting if you please, but that's how I feel. I don't want to get angry. I don't want to hurl abuses. I don't want to feel lousy. Who knows if I still have the strength for that? I'm so tired I don't even know if I can do this anymore. I've said this before, and I don't mind saying it again: You two are my best friends. Even if you don't feel the same way. For a part of me feared the loneliness that would ensue if I raged. Now I'm not so sure I'm afraid of that anymore. I think I might be better off alone.

I remember telling you that someday we might all outgrow each other. We might find our friends uncool, not spontaneous, weird, and distant. Maybe that's what it is. We've outgrown each other. No, you have outgrown me. And one day, pomelo, you might feel the same way about me too, but that's okay.

So I guess it's goodbye for now. Goodbye joanne.

We're All Waiting

Here's how I see it: The whole "faith in humanity restored" happenings are just crap. Compassion, empathy, and love have always been the most treasured values of humankind. Instead of thinking that they're lost, and hence "restored", I'd like to think that they are in deep slumber. The only reason the phrase would make any sense is to admit that our societies have grown too apathetic and numb to emotions. Most of the time many of us simply lack the moral courage to do the right thing - not because we don't think it's right - because we think it attracts too much attention, or we're all waiting for someone else to do it. So let's fix that.

Sacrifice

Sometimes I wonder if I was rushing into things; going too fast, when I obviously could have gone slower. I could have taken my time, because such things can wait. At least that was what I told myself until I realise that no, I don't have a choice.

It hit me recently, because while I was invited to this particular gathering, I couldn't commit my time to it. Not that I can't, and definitely not because I don't want to, but it's just not economical for me to attend it. I know - we all have the time, the same number of hours each day; we make time for things that matter to us. Please don't get me wrong. I don't mean that this is not important. The truth is probably that I am too selfish to share my time with you guys, and I'm sorry.

I have started working for close to 3 weeks now. It still feels a little too clumped up for me, considering that I only left the Army 1 week before I started work. Have I rushed myself into this? Yes. While people are busy enjoying their ORD life or taking a break in the holiday spirit, I committed myself to the working life of a societal drone. Why would I do that, then, if I so detest it? But I think you already know the answer. It's always the same. There's no shame in admitting that I need the money.

I come from a less-than-average-income family, and I have siblings who are going to school too. I'll be starting school this August, and that makes 3 students in the family. My parents simply can't afford that. We'd all like to live comfortably, but whether or not we can enjoy a comfortable life depends on how hard we work for it. Gosh, 3 weeks into the job and I already sound like a typically pragmatic Singaporean. Slogging my ass off to pay for uni is what this is. I can live a contented life of minimal comfort, but that was not how my parents raised me. That was not why they invested heavily in my education. They want me to live a contented life of considerable comfort, one that they never got to enjoy. And I have to fulfill their dream for them, no matter how hard it is. It's just the way of my life. If I have to work harder then so be it.

With that comes the sacrifices that I have to make. I find myself lonely. I find myself tied up. I find myself missing out on a lot of things that idle people (no, I don't mean it in a derogatory manner) do. And I hate to admit it, but slowly and surely, people will start to forget me, like how we all forget about the old clothes we used to wear. They were once in fashion; we almost always wore them. They made us presentable and feel good about ourselves, but now they are nothing more than some out-of-season crap that we find too hideous to be seen in, and a close enough substitute for the worn out tablecloth we haven't changed for years. Such is the cycle - the inevitable - of a noncommittal relationship, regardless kinship, friendship, or a romantic relationship. Soon enough I'd be at the bottom of any invite list. "He probably can't make it" or "I think he's working", to name a few. But my dear friends, I don't blame you, because it is I who have forsaken our friendship. I know that if I didn't care or cherish your friendship enough, it is only fair enough that you don't, too. I've come to the point that I feel that I'm a horrible person but can do nothing about it. The only thing I can do is ask for your understanding.

It's funny how ironic life can be. Perhaps it is the accepted fact of the universe, that things that people enjoy doing or having will cost us the greatest, yet the most genuine and dearest things to us, like interpersonal relationships, cannot be bought.

What makes me happy?

What makes you happy?

Oh no

As we inch into the last few minutes of the first day of the year, I'd like to express my gratitude to anyone who has made my 2012 less negative. Because no matter how sucky things can become, I will always be grateful for the things I have and the people who made my life special.

After taking a 2 year hiatus in my education, it's finally back to study in August this year. I have such mixed feelings - part of me wants to begin this phase in life so badly, but the other part is afraid of the new challenges it might bring. I have only started working recently, and it was something I wanted, but I don't know why I'm not happy; at least not as happy as I thought I would be. Is it that I have grown so numb and immune to emotions that I can no longer feel the full expression of them? I hope not, but I fear so. People like me are way too contemplative, and sometimes that means I end up messing up with my own mind that I can't think positive anymore.

I'm sorry if this might sound crude, but I think I'm fucking lost. I have absolutely lost control of my own ship and I honestly think someone needs to wake me up before I go all wasted on failures. I'd drink myself silly if I could, and I would let someone hit me sober. Right now I'm not even sure if this is just a moment of random exasperation or a genuine disgust at myself. That's what happens when I have too much time on my hands.

But I cannot let myself down. It's a new year, and an important one. I'll turn 21 this year, and that means my probation period is over. Everything I do, every move I make, needs to exemplify a certain level of maturity. Yea, I'll probably get tired of people telling me what is right and what is wrong, but at this point in life they just tell me, and I'm expected to figure it out myself. There are no more experiments. "Get your shit together" would be apt.

I told joanne that I think they have outgrown me. I don't fear that, because what my Math teacher once told me, was that regardless of the speed you go at, our destinations are all the same, and we'll all get there eventually. I fear that I may never catch up, and my race becomes a lonely one. That destination is happiness and success.

I've crammed a whole lot of movies within these few days. I thoroughly enjoyed it. You see, that is the thing. We want so much time to do so many things, things that we love, things that require no effort at all, things that please us. But it's just not practical. We cannot possibly sustain in this indulgence. As much as I want to do this forever, I know that at some point in time I will get bored, and I'd want something else, like... work. We can only truly appreciate these things when they're inaccessible.

Before the day goes by, happy new year to you, because I could use a lot of your mandatory response of well wishes to me in this year.

Happy New Year 2013

First day of the year, and I'm looking back at 2012 with nothing more than a bittersweet nostalgia.

I am disgusted at how uneventful this new year's day has been. It pains me that I have absolutely nothing worth celebrating on this day. I'm back to square one. New year resolutions that don't happen.

It hasn't exactly been an exciting year for me. I feel like the year was torturous, that I wanted to get by it so quickly so that I could move on to something else. I didn't accomplish anything huge. I mean, I failed my driving test twice. I am still undecided on where to go for uni. I made myself an asshole at work so I could get things done. I'm on some serious medication. I try desperately to insert some drama into my life but my failure at this is epic.

I know I ought to be happy, because the last thing I want is to be selfish and bring the spirits of all the people around me down. It's unfair, and it's not their problem that I'm an epic fail. And perhaps the only thing worth being happy about is being able to keep up this writing for an entire year. Reflections, insights, and growth. I have changed so much. I'm sure a fundamental part of me remains the same but I have definitely changed. For the better or worse I'll let the people around me decide.

When people tell you that happiness is all that matters in life, you gotta trust them. But don't assume it's gonna come naturally. You have to ask yourself, and answer truthfully, what genuinely makes you happy. And I will not lie to you, that although it may not be "money", this thing you want, somehow revolves around it. Don't let it stop you. Always remember that the best things in life come free to us.