Sacrifice

Sometimes I wonder if I was rushing into things; going too fast, when I obviously could have gone slower. I could have taken my time, because such things can wait. At least that was what I told myself until I realise that no, I don't have a choice.

It hit me recently, because while I was invited to this particular gathering, I couldn't commit my time to it. Not that I can't, and definitely not because I don't want to, but it's just not economical for me to attend it. I know - we all have the time, the same number of hours each day; we make time for things that matter to us. Please don't get me wrong. I don't mean that this is not important. The truth is probably that I am too selfish to share my time with you guys, and I'm sorry.

I have started working for close to 3 weeks now. It still feels a little too clumped up for me, considering that I only left the Army 1 week before I started work. Have I rushed myself into this? Yes. While people are busy enjoying their ORD life or taking a break in the holiday spirit, I committed myself to the working life of a societal drone. Why would I do that, then, if I so detest it? But I think you already know the answer. It's always the same. There's no shame in admitting that I need the money.

I come from a less-than-average-income family, and I have siblings who are going to school too. I'll be starting school this August, and that makes 3 students in the family. My parents simply can't afford that. We'd all like to live comfortably, but whether or not we can enjoy a comfortable life depends on how hard we work for it. Gosh, 3 weeks into the job and I already sound like a typically pragmatic Singaporean. Slogging my ass off to pay for uni is what this is. I can live a contented life of minimal comfort, but that was not how my parents raised me. That was not why they invested heavily in my education. They want me to live a contented life of considerable comfort, one that they never got to enjoy. And I have to fulfill their dream for them, no matter how hard it is. It's just the way of my life. If I have to work harder then so be it.

With that comes the sacrifices that I have to make. I find myself lonely. I find myself tied up. I find myself missing out on a lot of things that idle people (no, I don't mean it in a derogatory manner) do. And I hate to admit it, but slowly and surely, people will start to forget me, like how we all forget about the old clothes we used to wear. They were once in fashion; we almost always wore them. They made us presentable and feel good about ourselves, but now they are nothing more than some out-of-season crap that we find too hideous to be seen in, and a close enough substitute for the worn out tablecloth we haven't changed for years. Such is the cycle - the inevitable - of a noncommittal relationship, regardless kinship, friendship, or a romantic relationship. Soon enough I'd be at the bottom of any invite list. "He probably can't make it" or "I think he's working", to name a few. But my dear friends, I don't blame you, because it is I who have forsaken our friendship. I know that if I didn't care or cherish your friendship enough, it is only fair enough that you don't, too. I've come to the point that I feel that I'm a horrible person but can do nothing about it. The only thing I can do is ask for your understanding.

It's funny how ironic life can be. Perhaps it is the accepted fact of the universe, that things that people enjoy doing or having will cost us the greatest, yet the most genuine and dearest things to us, like interpersonal relationships, cannot be bought.

What makes me happy?

What makes you happy?