Blame game

It's not like me to actually sulk, because when I do, it's either I'm damn tired or I'm just trying to act cute -.-

Lately I can't help but feel so tired. The reason is unknown. No, it's not about my work. In fact, I'm starting to think it might the after-work activities that tire me out. Or it could be just that I'm perpetually staring at an LCD screen perennially. Which is bad. Really bad. Thank god I have a Kindle :) I really need to cherish my eyes man...

A thought popped into my mind this morning, about how people in society nowadays, or more prevalently in workplaces, are too afraid to make mistakes. Either that, or they're afraid to face the music alone when mistakes are made. I was thinking about how people would always ask for advice, seek approval, consult for solutions, et cetera. You might find this a way to minimise mistakes, or a way to do some confirmation before making a decision, or probably just to find out if your gut feeling was correct before proceeding on with an action. But more importantly, the reason why most people do this, and especially at work, is so that their asses are well covered.

Think about it. Some people really have the most selfish intentions - to drag you down together with them in case something goes wrong. Well if someone were to ask me how he/she should go about doing something, I wouldn't be stingy with my advice; but I'll also be putting myself on the line because if something goes wrong and somebody decides to point a finger at me and say "Hey, he told me to do that." or "I asked him! He said ok!", I have nothing to defend myself with. C'mon people, I'm not the concierge, nor am I the big old book of ancient wisdom. I'm not even close. Nobody's even gonna achieve that. So when I say ok to something, or if I guide you along some procedures, don't expect it to be like the most full-proof thing that was ever created in this world, because it's just not cool to assume that I have knowledge to every single thing that's happening/going to happen/happened with a sour ending.

Have a little faith in yourself. Be confident that you're doing it right. If it seems legit then do it. Do you think I started off knowing how to do all these? You ask me like it happened before, and yes, some may have, but some are totally new to me also. The difference is I have the guts to put my finger on it and make the decision while you're just hoping to ask for my opinion so that if it turns awry there's a person to blame. We may not always have precedent cases to align to, but we can use our knowledge and logic to work things out the right way. And who is to determine whether it's right or wrong if it has never happened before? Guess who - you. You call the shots. You set the trend and the rest of the lost sheep will follow.

Congratulations. You da boss now.

Certainly

Till today I still can't figure out what kind of a person you are. Some people are straight-forward, some people are mysterious, but there are some who are completely unfathomable. I'd like to believe that you belong to the last group...

I cannot imagine what is going through your mind. Is this what you want, what you're doing? Or is it a chore to do this everyday? Are you complaining or enjoying this? How screwed up my mind must be now, to be thinking of so many possibilities and combinations and personalities and differences.

It's so dangerous. If placing myself in such a precarious situation is what it takes to figure you out then I'm all for it. Somehow there is only one true emotion of yours that I see, and it's when you're talking about that. So maybe, just maybe, that is your passion and interest and everything else in your life. Good or bad or kind or evil I can't tell. It's messing me up. Damn.

I hate using the word "maybe". Can't it be certain?

Judge me now

And I sink into a lonely mood again.

I haven't been at the best of mood this week, or for the past few weeks, rather. In fact, I've never really been, ever since everything seems to have whirled out of control. I thought I could reign it back somehow but I was wrong. What is this monster I have become?

Everyone wants/likes to be told that they're correct - a certain form of affirmation or recognition. When we're told we're correct it seems like a great motivation to continue, push on, and transcend expectations. Some people will feel exactly this way - to want more for themselves - while others will simply shrug it off as nothing great. Truth is, no matter whether we care or not, there is always a part of us that enjoys compliments from others.

It hurts to be judged.

You know moments in life when you just feel like screaming out loud and exclaiming "I didn't sign up for this shit!"? Yea, I'm having one of those now. You can't imagine how difficult it is to live by the day, and wait for problems to occur and then scramble and extinguish the fire. I don't like this feeling. I hate it. It makes me feel like everything is out of place, or somehow, something is bound to go wrong. What, am I supposed to just carry on with it and cross my fingers and pray that everything goes well? It shouldn't be that way.

I admit that I need systems. I like to read my book leisurely over a cup of coffee, I like to take a relaxed stroll in town, I wake up 5.30am or even earlier on working days just so I can catch an early train and not squeeze with a mosh pit of commuters. In short, I like to make time for everything, and I like to make sure I can do anything without rushing. Of course, this would never be ideal in our society. Let's be honest - everything in this city is a goddamn rush. Rush here rush there, finish this finish that. It's so hectic, yet so natural, that I'm starting to wonder if we actually yearn for such a frantic life.

Don't get me wrong; despite my preference for systems, I'm not against spontaneity. Being spontaneous is part of being young, doing things for the sake of fun, and sometimes, do first think later, die first revive later. It's precisely such zest and a lack of deliberation that makes us who we are. I'm just not a fan of things that are unplanned. I'd like to think it's a form of time-wasting - planning on the way and thinking only when we get there. If I had the luxury of time, why not? But then again, how often do we have the luxury of time in this bustling city of never-ending activity and incessant propensity for more work (which in turn churns out more money)?

It's time to live my life a little fuller. I have to see the world. I have to stop thinking that I am right. I need to start listening to what people have to say. Strangely I have been doing that all my life but I had never learn how to truly appreciate good advice. Okay, I need you to judge me now.

Ebb and Flow

Even in your sweetest and hauntingly enchanting of dreams,
I hear the silence of the resounding agonising screams.
The day my weary soul was sold,
was the day my heart wrenched, so cold.
The cymbals clash in a thunderous fury,
in the name of a figure thought too lowly;
undeserving of recognition and credit,
for the empire that fell and rose insidiously.
In midst of your placidity
came a price too great to pay;
from now on I shall not pity
the ones you punish or the ones you slay.
But I don't even recall a single day
where a nation ruled with kindness thrived,
for the heart of life was taken away;
the stronger axed, and the weaker knifed.
Your benignity attracts your prey,
and the fire burnt out will never be rekindled.
Bit by bit the throned will rot and decay,
by his subjects he will be coaxed and swindled.
It'll be all too late to realise prey is predator.
They will seal your fate before you find a closure.
Because the test has not yet arrived,
and those who have not died, will never know how it feels like to be revived.
And you would have thought you survived.

Fair game

A game is only a game when everyone follows the rules. As usual, there are 2 schools of thought for this kind of issues. The nonchalant will probably shake the argument off with the likes of "it's just a game" and "why so serious?", while the dedicated and competitive will want to assert that it is precisely that sort of thinking that forms the group of "sour grapes", or in a more derogatory term, "losers".

How exasperating it must be for a group of professionals, who have "trained" so hard in that field of expert, to have to succumb to mediocre or low-class playing tactics of the unreasonable, unruly, and unscrupulous. Imagine a game which requires certain skills - say, Captain's Ball - is being played between a professional National team, and a group of primary school students. The National team abides by all the rules of the game, but when the primary school kids took the possession of the ball they practically ran with the ball in their hand all the way to their captain and passed the ball to him.

And they scored.

Think about how this applies to so many situations in life. In our daily activities, too often we are pit against people who foul, people who don't follow the rules of the game - and worse, don't feel bad about it - and also the people who try to influence everybody else in the game that the game is silly and not worth everyone's time, encouraging them to "play dirty" too. Why do we invite such people into the game? Or have they just entered uninvited, and attempt to sabotage your game?

Of course, it's easy to say that the rules of the game are set by the people who know the game better, play better at it, more trained, so on and so forth, and that in some way, the rules are more applicable and important to them than to anyone else who are in the game. Then again, who invited you? If you're somehow playing the game, then you jolly well follow the rules of the game. The Captain's Ball example I cited might be a more extreme case of this issue, but when you think about it, it's not too foreign to you, eh? I'm sure there are certain times when you play a game with another group of people who have no idea whatsoever on how the game goes. You try to play fair, you try to play legit, but once the opponent starts with all the illegal play with disregard of the standard rules of the game, and still manages to score (okay assume there is no umpire and the opponent self-righteously claims score), you find yourself on the exasperated side of the story, all fuming mad and burning with a deep sense of injustice, as if the opponent had just committed a crime so heinous you have not even been able to fathom.

More than often in our daily lives this situation makes relationships and interpersonal issues so, so awry, because the rules and boundaries are so undefined that you might somehow argue your way through the right channel to sound convincing or even correct. The two playing teams (or individuals) need not be so unbalanced as in the example; most of the time in real life they are more or less equally or relatively equally challenged. This will then strike out the argument of "Don't be ridiculous. The National team is probably so good that the primary school kids don't even have a chance to touch the ball.", and hence enhance the notion. I'm sure we're not all that competitive all the time as well, and sometimes we allow the game to relax a little so that the main objective of "just having fun" is achieved. But when it's not a "just having fun" game, don't expect us to be so gracious about the cheap tricks and unorthodox playing styles.

So there we have it. Whether or not you want to play fair in a game where you know the rules, or deliberately choose not to do so, always remember that you are not playing a solo game - there are people who are playing the game as well, and most of them are pretty much abiding by the rules as far as possible. Think of how your sour grapes attitude might ruin the game for the rest of them, or how, technically, you're being unfair and unreasonable. Take my word of advice: you will never out-trump another person, or be able to become the most unscrupulous person in the game, because for every cheap tactic you pull, there are many others who can top that and oust you out of the game anyway. And if this was a test of unscrupulousness, and you're expecting to win this game through such tactics, think again. Because if there are no rules, it's not a game. Nobody can win.

And that still makes you a loser.

Abstract

You ask me why I'm sad
I tell you, because the grass is green
You ask me what that means
I say that the sky is blue
The jeweled katara sharpened beyond
Half the moon shines too bright
The chandelier seems to yearn shatter
Cold as ice, the touch of the trigger
Its reflection wanes and waxes
My breath takes a breather
A joy rekindled the virtue
The glass poured half empty
Of the tears from the illuminated statue
Feel the bullet cross your mind
Hear the symphony of those dethroned
Cry like the pain never ended
Drink the poison and repeat the sin
Inhale the stench of the kind
Teach me how to win
Teach me how to forgive, to bind.

CLENCH

I remember mentioning awhile ago that I have found an innate ability to suppress an immense amount of anger, frustration, disappointment, and tiredness altogether. I am grateful for this ability, really; because sometime in the future, regardless near or distant, I might find it extremely useful. And yea, I shall call this superpower CLENCH, for the obvious reason.

Actually, I'm not all that easy to piss off, to begin with. People who know me long enough would know that. I'm not one who bears grudges, who seeks revenge, or who would get angry for little injustice that could probably be forgotten after a night's drink. That I would call petty. No, I'm not petty. But there are 2 things that I will declare as the only 2 that can really throw me off my usual balance of zen and a calmed state - 1) Getting accused for something I didn't do, or didn't even INTEND to do, and 2) Working with... hmm, I wouldn't call it working with. Basically, I can't tolerate people who are noncommittal to what they do. To put simply, produce fucked-up work.

Now you may think I'm being an asshole about these 2 things, but you can either agree with the following justification of mine, or you can treat them as babble:

1)  I'm not angry for being accused. I'm angry that you would even think that of me. I am furious, in fact, that you would assume me to be less than what you know I am, to go beneath myself and do things that I'll never, not now, not ever. You may blame me for certain things, and certain things I do agree that I've done wrong, but please don't blame me for things that even a 10 year old would have the decency or intelligence to do. It's just plain insulting.

2) As I've mentioned on my Fb status before, I will not expect more than what a person can best deliver. I absolutely loathe those who have every single common sense and capacity to do up good, quality work but don't. Oh, sorry, I meant CHOOSE NOT TO. If you can deliver a certain standard, and YOU AND I BOTH KNOW IT, I don't see why you can still find excuses not to perform up to standard.

And there you have it. This brings me to how I might find CLENCH useful. Sometimes I feel like I'm plagued with issues that call for CLENCH, or maybe some people are just testing the system to see how long I can CLENCH. For whatever reason, this is gonna get me far.

Because just today, I was forced to use CLENCH again. And when I do, I fall silent. Irritatingly, annoyingly silent. Some people can take this treatment, but some would just kill to have you talk to them again. I know you too well to know you belong to the latter, and I did it just to annoy you, to make you realise you should never force me to CLENCH again. But somehow I don't think you'll ever learn - I don't think this is the last time. I just know it. I know I shouldn't be angry; I'm not. So I guess I just have to CLENCH when it comes again.