And here I boast of a luxury of time, all too often, in contrast to a cohort of people struggling to squeeze another hour out of everyday. I have been telling people around me that I've lost the motivation to study, but haven't actually come to terms with its implied consequences. I used to be focused and determined; I had a goal. I'm not sure when I have realised that I have no fucking sense of direction in my life at this point in time. I spend my weekends aimlessly and accomplishing nothing related to school work. It seems only strange, because nobody knows how high the stakes are for me. But I'm not acting as if my life depended on this degree, or that somebody else depended on me. What I'm doing - it has no meaning.
Whenever I look around, I see hard-working people trying to make every second count. I see their passion in what they do (maybe not the studies part, but at least, uni life). It throws me into reflection, but sadly, not motivation. I don't know who I'm doing this for any more.
Sometimes I think that I expect too much of people around me than of myself, and that is selfish. Maybe I can no longer hide behind a façade of smiles and "I'm okay", of "I'm surviving", and of "I know how it feels". Because behind steel walls is a vulnerability that nobody sees.
I'm not sure when I have started to erect these barriers to my feelings or to people around me. I've never really let anyone in, and maybe that's kinda sad. I've done it to almost everybody; I've even done it to family. The result is a feeling of emptiness that seems to get comfortable over time. I enjoy spending time alone just because solace is my forte. Nobody needs to know, nobody needs to see, nobody needs to feel and nobody needs to care.
I probably can't complain because there are people with much more to deal in their lives than I have. I have no broken relationships to mend, no big choices to make, no concerns too great to grieve about.
It's time to start finding meaning and stop pretending that I am happy.
