Torn

I've never been good with words, but I've been living in denial thinking that I am. Maybe it's time to face the harsh truth and ease myself into it.

The people I know probably think I talk too much. I can go on and on incessantly and not get tired of it. Most people would be, but they've been too kind to admit. But it has come to my attention that if I were to talk, I want to make a point or make a change. Only then would I feel that a conversation has been purposeful.

How does it feel like to be misunderstood? Honestly, I would never have done it this way if not for the considerations I have. Because you don't understand that I'm trying to protect you, to shield you from harm, and also to toughen you, to make sure that independence and resourcefulness thrives in you. I would never want to hold your hand through this journey only to watch you fall when I let go of it. That was exactly what they did and see where that got them. Learn to take it in a good way. I'm not dissing the way of education they engaged themselves in; it just proves that independence is a far more difficult virtue to cultivate in one than you might think.

All these times I've been working too hard. Unnecessarily. And coming from that point of view, I've learned that nobody should be treated this way - overworked. It's bad for the mind and soul. That is why I've tried so hard to make you ignorant, in a good way, to make sure that you're not bullied into doing the things that you shouldn't be. I've been overworked because I chose to. I chose to involve myself in so many things just so I could prove myself. Silly eh? But I don't regret it. I know that I learned many valuable lessons throughout this journey and it was all worthwhile. So if you don't feel the same way, then don't. Accomplishment is not determined by how much you know, but by how much of that you know is put into action. Hate me if you must, but that is just my way of caring that you don't understand.

It pains me that I am grossly criticised for all my good efforts. I'm tired of explaining. But I don't recall trying to explain, either. Why should I? I don't owe you an explanation, because you will see it if it's meant to happen. Maybe you will. Just not today.

4 Letters and More

Because no matter how inchoate and rudimentary love is, it enchants two people into a fantasy so exclusive that its surreality is only entitled to them. People will watch with envy, but they will be forbidden into the sphere of enclosed happiness that only the two can experience.

But love cannot be limited.

On the Spot

Nobody likes to admit their flaws. The word "flaws" itself denotes that they are undesirable, and probably not any more pleasant. Everyone has their own flaws but is there really a need to expound them? I'd like to think that these imperfections are innate, and at very best, can be ignored or disregarded by people who are magnanimous enough, but alas, the world judges you not by your successes, but by your failures.

It has always been as such, and there's even a saying that goes along the effect of "do many great deeds and the world will hold you in awe but make one mistake and everything that you've done right goes to naught". And that is precisely why we strive so hard to be perfect, to please, and to exude the best of our personal qualities to the people around us.

Just how long can I keep this up?

I think I'm going dizzy pretending that nothing really affects me now. Pretending to feel numb. I wonder how I'd feel when I thaw and unfreeze my emotions from myself. Will I get a shock, or will I learn to succumb to them? And in this period of time of 2 months or so, I have to lose my mojo, chill out, and start concentrating on the things that matter. I never thought I was the type for studying. I just got lucky, I guess. I'm an extremely slow learner, for the record, and I am not proud of it. I can't say I didn't work hard to achieve what I have today. To those who have more, they may think that it's nothing much; but for those who have less, they yearn for what I have, but they don't know how it pains to have these things. The expectation, the pressure, the time spent. We are all like that right? Wanting more, no matter what. Because there will always be someone better than you, and you strive to be the best. One school of thought encourages this determination and robust character, but the other advocates the search for balance, equality and peace of mind; to be unaffected by the people who judge, attach a score to everything, compete the hell out of each other, and find joy and triumph in ousting each other out of the ring.

Frankly, I envy those who have their lives so thought out. It's like they already see their spots 10 years into the future, living some sort of life, having some sort of happiness, and sharing some sort of joy. Because I don't. I'm so lost right now I don't even know where to begin. "Get into a good school," they said. "Study hard and get good grades," they said. "Go to university and get a degree, and then you can do whatever you want to," they said. How much truth do these advices hold? Have they intentionally omitted the necessary sacrifices involved? Have they blindly made "a well-paying job" the goal of it all? Have they expected that all children would want to earn big bucks, slog their hearts out, and enjoy life some point in time in the future? Do we not want to enjoy life now, right now, in the present, with the people we care about, the people we love, and the people who love us? Oh, no, but we have no time for that. Time does not allow us to let our guard down, because there is no detour to a "good life" other than the socially moulded path of education.

You might think that I am disapproving of our education system, but I'm not. I love how everything is being laid out till we're old enough to think maturely, to act maturely, and to love maturely. It's just, there's so much that will be missed now, for the sake of the things we want in the future, that I am starting to think whether all these sacrifices are justified or worth the risk. Never mind me, because I think too much. And I am thankful that I am able to muse, or have the luxury to do so, in this whirling fantasy and speeding animation that doesn't seem to slow down for anyone.

But I'd wish we could all slow down. Just slow enough for me to catch my breath, and know that I can carry on.

Audit

So. Another chapter of my life in here has closed. I guess that means... Haha!

Doing this for the second time has made me learn more; more than I'd hope for. To think that I actually stayed up the entire of Sunday all the way to Monday just to flip through that gigantic hill of carelessly filed paper. That cannot be good for my body and soul, because I remember pumping truckloads of caffeine into my bloodstream as I walked around like a zombie. And surprisingly, I actually felt pretty perked up when I got home. It's like the zest has never left my body. But that cannot be good. At least I think it cannot be good. Going against nature in any way is by default, detrimental.

Now that the test is over, I got more things to worry about - like handing over, making plans, training, reading, writing (I'm really gonna try), walk about, clearing up, teaching, and so much more. I see hope in everyone, but I see beyond that. I see that I have to help. I've been selfish, actually. When it comes to management, there's more that meets the eye. A blithe indifference may mean two different things altogether. In this society, nobody likes to be told to do something beyond their control, especially by someone who does not naturally know more. But we are all trapped. We are all trapped in some sort of hierarchy wherever we go. The quagmire we are challenged with is therefore, the art of acceptance, deception, presentation, and quotation. To learn is to gain, and to apply what you've learn is to gain more.

First: acceptance. Let's not get too angst about the situation we are in. We came in here knowing that this is going to be a game of acceptance and a situation of being told what to do. Know your role. I know my role, and I play it to my advantage. Know that there are some decisions that you can make, and some that you can't. A soldier who reaches too far out from his shield to attack the enemy albeit equipped with a lethal weapon, faces the threat of having his arm severed as well. At the end of the day, if a decision made by someone else does not please you in any way, think. Think of this - does this decision affect me? And more importantly, is it up to me? If it's not, or does not, it's advisable to just shut up and move on.

Second: deception. Nobody is perfect. We all know that. But I will not allow someone who is not trusted handle something of grave importance. Such is my working style, I'm sorry. If I think you're not ready, you're probably not. Knowledge does empower you beyond your wildest imagination, but learning how to manoeuvre it empowers you even greater. Trust your instinct, but trust your knowledge more. Certainty is a surer way to success. Has it not been proven? Hold your ground when making a claim, and the greatest of lies can turn to deceive the shrewdest of people. I'm not advocating it. I'm just saying.

Third: presentation. Of course, this involves a great deal of persuasion as well. Having the gift of the gab raises your stake so high you have issues counting them. I can only say this - presenting yourself confidently is a skill mastered by few. Confidence, backed by experience and knowledge, is almost as impeccable as a Nokia phone. Don't be afraid to flaunt it, because that's when you receive all of the effort you output, all in one swift action. Do it, do it good, and seal the deal.

Fourth: quotation. There are people who like to talk big, and people who like to talk gibberish, and most importantly, there are people who don't know what they're talking about. Now, capitalise on this. Quote the foolish. I love it when people say things irresponsibly, because it opens up an avenue of vulnerability to prey on. If people are to make irresponsible remarks, make them regret they ever did that. Don't feel bad about it. Think about how hazardous certain claims are when they are made so carelessly, then carry on and do it. You may do so, but beware, and tread carefully. Do not argue for the sake of arguing; make a point for the sake of persuading. Everyone has their opinions, and I am educated that what is worn on the epaulette determines how much of the decision you are part of. I'm not dissing. A good leader will accept feedback. A good leader listens. Ultimately, a good leader still has to make an informed decision. Trust that someone else is more "right" than you are. Self-righteousness gets you nowhere. Consider yourself informed. Losing the game occasionally does not make you a lousy player. In fact, think the opposite - winning most of the time makes you a very skilled player.

So stop growing flowers in your own garden and admiring them by yourself. Look around. Take in the scenery and accept that the world beyond the little beds of roses you've nurtured is a kaleidoscope of wonderful. By all means, you may invite people into this garden of yours so that you may boast of your horticulture. Some people may praise your flowers, but some may trample it beneath their feet and call it crap. Perhaps they are ignorant, but it is exactly crap that makes these flowers bloom.

Good crap, I mean.

Shapeshifting

How great would it be to have a revelation everyday?

I was enlightened by nicole today on how to survive in the civilian world with whatever I have, and whatever I can give. If it was anything, it was definitely the best advice I've had in a very long time. I can't imagine how myopic I can get when evaluating myself.

I will humble myself and seek the balance I've blatantly missed all this while.

Input Code: Travel

If I could do something spontaneously, I swear I would. There are so many restrictions that bind us to social norms. Conformity is a major trait of our education system, which I feel, most honestly, should never have been advocated. Sometimes all we need is really some creative juices and out-of-the-box thinking. But then again, there wouldn't be an "out-of-the-box" region if there was no box to begin with. How ironic.

Singapore promulgates a proficient education system that produces an efficient and skilled workforce, but we have also been criticised for our rigidity. At some point in time I've come to realise that if you have a dream this is not the place for you. This is a workplace. The lounge is somewhere else. Of course we try to boast the seemingly entertaining tourist attractions, and it must seem like a nice place to take a chill pill, but all these seem like an illusion to me. Maybe it's just me, or maybe I'm getting tired of this place, or maybe I'm getting boring; whatever it is, I need to scoot off to some foreign destination alone and take this time to make some adjustments to myself.

Because, apparently, time and work has made me a non-compassionate drone.

Sitting on the Fence

I think I'm suited for the life of a roamer. To be honest, I'm mostly alone. I try to think of it as being too much of an introvert, but then again, I could really be depressed.

I kid people by telling them I'm on anti-depressant when they catch me popping my meds. I won't tell you exactly what it is, because it seemed pretty credible (go figure) when I say that those were my chill pills.

It's great knowing you won't be missed when you're gone. For most people, you don't even have to be narcissistic to want to be recognised and acknowledged for your effort and dedication. But I don't. I just want to be the wallpaper that fades into the background. Because prominence here grants you nothing you wish for. I've never liked attention from the people that, crudely, don't really matter in my life. Just so you know.

Looking through my posts, I realised there were not many of them that spoke of happy things. In fact, I think none of them conveyed a happy feeling. LOL. But it can't be my fault; when I'm not happy I don't want to pretend that I am. Like, what is the point, really? Just so people around you can feel your happiness and be influenced as well? Just so people don't think you're "emo"? Just so you want to lie to the people around you, and even yourself?

September is probably going to be the wildest month yet, with a flurry of ridiculousness and whimsical and chaos and judgements and tests and nerves and projects and plans and imparting of knowledge and rigging and... I wanna do so many illegal things I think I'm twisted. Make a promise, and keep it. I can actually feel September ending soon even though this week has been incredibly long and painful. Everything is crammed up in September and when I'm done with them it's probably already October. Oh the joy.

Come on... I know your hands can move faster, you stupid clock. And you too; you could flip faster, you lousy calendar. Let's get this over and done with! Hmm... better be careful with what I wish for :O