Well, that ended 2 days of an utter waste of time.
I was in camp these 2 days for some sort of preparatory briefing. Nothing's new; the inefficiency will always be there. The sub-standards of professionalism and majority of generally disinterested people are traits already accepted as the norm. But despite all that, what really made this a less dreadful experience was the people I met. It was an excellent time for all of us to meet the people whom we used to share our time in camp with. And I'm glad that we had been able to take time off our personal schedule (ok not really; it's mandatory) to spend it with some of the people we have lost touch with.
People may come and go in our lives, but they are still people who have been part of our lives, a piece in our puzzle, and an influence to us. And when we meet these people, they just fit so naturally back into the puzzle. I think we all need this. For the next 10 years, we will watch each other grow, and some people might not always be around, but a yearly affair like this will serve as a cohesion for all of us and memories for the rest of our lives.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Solo
Sometimes there are things we do without the knowledge of anyone, not even our closed ones, when clearly we might be better off with their support. Sometimes it is exactly because the disappointment of failure is only ours to bear when it's this way, that we choose the path of solitude.
The long weekend is almost over, and I have spent it mostly on quiet moments with myself, roaming and plugging in to music. To be alone but not lonely. I never understood how important it is to have people in our lives who care that we are lonely, until I realise that most people don't. There are only a few people we can comfortably reach out to when in need and be sure that they will be there. A few who would encourage, a few who do not judge, and a few who help us up.
This time round I'm doing it alone.
The long weekend is almost over, and I have spent it mostly on quiet moments with myself, roaming and plugging in to music. To be alone but not lonely. I never understood how important it is to have people in our lives who care that we are lonely, until I realise that most people don't. There are only a few people we can comfortably reach out to when in need and be sure that they will be there. A few who would encourage, a few who do not judge, and a few who help us up.
This time round I'm doing it alone.
Friday, May 24, 2013
No Tears
They say that when a door closes on you, another one will open for you. But when the door closed on me for the fourth time, I couldn't keep calm. First, it was surreality. Then it was denial; I couldn't accept what I was hearing, and I couldn't understand why. A full-fledged panic attack ensues as I am reminded of what the matter presented to me meant. I decided that I wouldn't go down without a fight.
I was lost. I was desperate. I was tugging at this door that was closing on me, struggling against the immense force that was on the other side. I put up the toughest resistance. I threw my pride away - I begged, and I gave excuses, just to keep that door ajar. I thought that as long as it wasn't closed, I had a chance of overcoming the seemingly insurmountable force and pry that door open. But alas, my efforts were to no avail, and I witnessed the door shut on me with a 'click' so decisive and heart-wrenching. For a moment I just slumped there, exhausted, battered and defeated. No, it wasn't just an ordinary defeat. It was humiliating. I felt pathetic. I felt like a fool who attempted to challenge an ineluctable and impregnable force. I made myself that fool. And I just sat there wallowing in self-pity; my world a whirl of chaos. I hated myself, and I would hate myself more if I could, but I couldn't. I was unsure if it was because my self-hatred was at its maximum, or that I simply had no more energy left to do it.
Then my breath started regulating again, and the air that was knocked out of my lungs just minutes ago seem to return with such fervour that I was overwhelmed with a surge of emotions. Did that just happen, or did that not - I couldn't tell for the moment. But as quick as my breath was taken away and restored, I was affirmed of its reality.
And then there was a complete void of emotions.
There were no tears.
I was lost. I was desperate. I was tugging at this door that was closing on me, struggling against the immense force that was on the other side. I put up the toughest resistance. I threw my pride away - I begged, and I gave excuses, just to keep that door ajar. I thought that as long as it wasn't closed, I had a chance of overcoming the seemingly insurmountable force and pry that door open. But alas, my efforts were to no avail, and I witnessed the door shut on me with a 'click' so decisive and heart-wrenching. For a moment I just slumped there, exhausted, battered and defeated. No, it wasn't just an ordinary defeat. It was humiliating. I felt pathetic. I felt like a fool who attempted to challenge an ineluctable and impregnable force. I made myself that fool. And I just sat there wallowing in self-pity; my world a whirl of chaos. I hated myself, and I would hate myself more if I could, but I couldn't. I was unsure if it was because my self-hatred was at its maximum, or that I simply had no more energy left to do it.
Then my breath started regulating again, and the air that was knocked out of my lungs just minutes ago seem to return with such fervour that I was overwhelmed with a surge of emotions. Did that just happen, or did that not - I couldn't tell for the moment. But as quick as my breath was taken away and restored, I was affirmed of its reality.
And then there was a complete void of emotions.
There were no tears.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Grind
If all our lies do overturn,
and leave my feelings there to burn,
how do I cease myself to deeply yearn
the regret of a lesson I fail to learn.
and leave my feelings there to burn,
how do I cease myself to deeply yearn
the regret of a lesson I fail to learn.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Get Out
I don't know why but we've become so
distant that I can't seem to feel real around you anymore. We still have
our common topics, and we still joke about the same things, but does it make
you feel better by putting someone else down, or to criticise for the sake
of it? It might not have been a big deal to you, but it felt like I wasn't
respected as an individual. Are we not free to make our life choices; and for
you to disagree, not to sound more than condescending? I feel like I can't say
anything without being judged, and it is precisely because your judgements
matter that I take them so personally.
As
I continue to appreciate so many things happening in my life right now,
I feel it is important to temporarily rid myself of negative influences
that threaten to put me down. Disapproving or not, there is a certain
faith I have in myself I wish to preserve. And as friends, if I can't
get that little support from you, then really, what is the point of you
in my life?
Interact
There was a time where human interaction did not involve staring at tiny LED screens, and it was a magical time. I remember a time when we all owned simple, Nokia phones, with the sole purpose of making phone calls and the occasional SMS. There was no constant need to reach out our hands for these devices every time it vibrates to see who just messaged us on WhatsApp, log-in to Facebook on mobile just to scroll through some frivolous updates and keep our eyes occupied, or complete yet another level on Candy Crush because everyone else is playing it.
Conversations were genuinely happening, and you just kept talking, exchanging views on common topics and exploring further by sharing something personal, interesting, which encourages others to do the same. And when the group of us ran out of something to say, there would be a momentary awkward silence when no one is speaking but everyone is thinking of what to say next to start a fresh conversation. It didn't matter if our fingers were idle, or if we have zoned out halfway through with the lyrics of the last song we've heard on our iPod replaying in our heads.
Do you feel that lonely even in the company of people, that you really need to converse with another 2 or 3 people on your smartphone to fill that void? Do you not feel like the people right in front of you are worth every minute and every second or your attention and company?
Conversations were genuinely happening, and you just kept talking, exchanging views on common topics and exploring further by sharing something personal, interesting, which encourages others to do the same. And when the group of us ran out of something to say, there would be a momentary awkward silence when no one is speaking but everyone is thinking of what to say next to start a fresh conversation. It didn't matter if our fingers were idle, or if we have zoned out halfway through with the lyrics of the last song we've heard on our iPod replaying in our heads.
Do you feel that lonely even in the company of people, that you really need to converse with another 2 or 3 people on your smartphone to fill that void? Do you not feel like the people right in front of you are worth every minute and every second or your attention and company?
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Dinner
I went out with my family for dinner tonight, and I don't want to feel this way, but dinners with the family have been utterly dreadful.
We just sat there, my Dad and Mum famished, my sisters so engrossed with their smartphones that I wonder if they feel hungry as well. And I just stared. I took it all in; this sight before me, and what it used to be. There I was with so many thoughts in my mind, but so silent and inexpressive on the outside. I don't know why, but I couldn't do more than just stare.
Maybe I have brought this upon myself. Maybe I have distant myself too far for me to return. Or maybe I just didn't want to return. A part of me feels slightly guilty for this silence, but something else in me also resonates that I don't want to be part of this anymore.
I hate to admit this, but I miss the times when I still could have a conversation with them, and I wish I was less antagonistic; to have a conversation without feeling half-irritated and half-impatient. But I know it's not possible anymore. Things have changed so much in these few years.
We just sat there, my Dad and Mum famished, my sisters so engrossed with their smartphones that I wonder if they feel hungry as well. And I just stared. I took it all in; this sight before me, and what it used to be. There I was with so many thoughts in my mind, but so silent and inexpressive on the outside. I don't know why, but I couldn't do more than just stare.
Maybe I have brought this upon myself. Maybe I have distant myself too far for me to return. Or maybe I just didn't want to return. A part of me feels slightly guilty for this silence, but something else in me also resonates that I don't want to be part of this anymore.
I hate to admit this, but I miss the times when I still could have a conversation with them, and I wish I was less antagonistic; to have a conversation without feeling half-irritated and half-impatient. But I know it's not possible anymore. Things have changed so much in these few years.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Discovering People
"I think I need new friends."
If we were to be utterly honest with ourselves, I think most of us would have thought about this at some point of our lives. I'm the sort who literally survive on friends (because I'm not on very good terms with my family; I don't want to talk about it), although I must say there are only few whom I actually speak to regularly.
It's hard, because being friends sometimes mean we have to tolerate an insensitive comment, an offensive remark, a joke carried too far, or an idea you are not entirely comfortable with. There is no mandate for this tolerance, but more than often we feel obliged to be of support to someone close and maybe join in the callous teasing.
We will always meet new people, but not everyone can tolerate our idiosyncrasies and be called our "friend". I need to cherish.
If we were to be utterly honest with ourselves, I think most of us would have thought about this at some point of our lives. I'm the sort who literally survive on friends (because I'm not on very good terms with my family; I don't want to talk about it), although I must say there are only few whom I actually speak to regularly.
It's hard, because being friends sometimes mean we have to tolerate an insensitive comment, an offensive remark, a joke carried too far, or an idea you are not entirely comfortable with. There is no mandate for this tolerance, but more than often we feel obliged to be of support to someone close and maybe join in the callous teasing.
We will always meet new people, but not everyone can tolerate our idiosyncrasies and be called our "friend". I need to cherish.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)