They say that when a door closes on you, another one will open for you. But when the door closed on me for the fourth time, I couldn't keep calm. First, it was surreality. Then it was denial; I couldn't accept what I was hearing, and I couldn't understand why. A full-fledged panic attack ensues as I am reminded of what the matter presented to me meant. I decided that I wouldn't go down without a fight.
I was lost. I was desperate. I was tugging at this door that was closing on me, struggling against the immense force that was on the other side. I put up the toughest resistance. I threw my pride away - I begged, and I gave excuses, just to keep that door ajar. I thought that as long as it wasn't closed, I had a chance of overcoming the seemingly insurmountable force and pry that door open. But alas, my efforts were to no avail, and I witnessed the door shut on me with a 'click' so decisive and heart-wrenching. For a moment I just slumped there, exhausted, battered and defeated. No, it wasn't just an ordinary defeat. It was humiliating. I felt pathetic. I felt like a fool who attempted to challenge an ineluctable and impregnable force. I made myself that fool. And I just sat there wallowing in self-pity; my world a whirl of chaos. I hated myself, and I would hate myself more if I could, but I couldn't. I was unsure if it was because my self-hatred was at its maximum, or that I simply had no more energy left to do it.
Then my breath started regulating again, and the air that was knocked out of my lungs just minutes ago seem to return with such fervour that I was overwhelmed with a surge of emotions. Did that just happen, or did that not - I couldn't tell for the moment. But as quick as my breath was taken away and restored, I was affirmed of its reality.
And then there was a complete void of emotions.
There were no tears.
No comments:
Post a Comment