Pouring out my heart to someone who understands makes me feel so much better. We may not be the best of the best but at least we know we are more than what they think we are.
I cannot begin to fathom the days that will follow my departure. Peace and tranquility, or chaos and disaster. Either way, it hardly seems like it should be of my concern at all. Then why, why am I so passionate about this? Why am I putting myself through this when I stand to gain nothing from it? Why am I held ransom to my own sense of pride and guilt?
A whole new level of discussion sent me into a flurry of thoughts, expounding the myriad of possibilities and psychological thinking that intrigue me every day. If there is a fire that can never be extinguished, then the world will always be in need of a fire extinguisher. Then again, why are we still dependent on the extinguisher when we know that it has failed its main objective? We want to think there's something or someone to fall back on when shit happens, and at times, we're too obsessed with that that we neglect the genuine need for such security. We abuse the provider of it. We don't really care if the fire extinguisher works, or whether it actually helps to put out the fire in any manner. We just want to know that something or someone claims to be able to put out the fire. We'll talk about it again if it doesn't work. Or, we could wait for a new invention that could stop the fire. Or we could also wait for the fire to burn out. Either way, we're not going to move our asses.
The most precarious situations and insidious relations threaten to undermine the most fundamental processes. Overwhelming affection, as I see it, dilutes even the faintest of authority - for friendliness is the trump card for failure - and prejudice and bias have proved to be the most lethal of weapons and deepest of influences. The sheer magnitude of trust I have in you can even erode any remaining objectivity in me. But I trust myself even more to make the right judgement, albeit with wrong intentions, since I can only invest in the uncertain. Alas, I am far more disappointed than you can imagine. Self-motivation is a virtue. So valuable a virtue. There can be no detour to this and I hope you can start realising that, because I like culture shocks and surprises, and I'll ensure the menace strikes with such force that life feels miserable. But I think you're right, daniel, that it might be nothing more than a slap on the wrist, with no real enlightening ramifications. If that happens, it's high time I gave up. Lost causes are of no value to me. Damn, I wish I could think like you - vicious, ruthless, and unscrupulous. I am not hardened by disappointment as of yet, but I dare predict I soon will. I never believed in enforced discipline.
It's all wrong; a misaligned series of events that ridicule the way of the universe. I promise to embark on this one last spur of revamp, but I will also succumb to the irreversible with no regrets should the grand plan fail.
One last leap, one last chance, one last hope.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Eye of the Storm
Yesterday was another awesome day spent with awesome people. Movies always get me excited, but I'd prefer one with great after-activities. Nevertheless, I still love how we can find some time to enjoy these small but engaging moments after work. I really like these hangouts; but how far can I go with this before I tip the scale and lose the balance? I want to be part of it, but I don't feel that way. Trying hard is one thing, knowing that you'll fail no matter how hard you try is another. There's only one way to do this, and that is to dislodge, cut those invisible cuffs and dissolve those barriers; but right now is not the time.
Sunday was a catch-up session with the people I don't see around anymore, even though they were a huge part of my work life previously. I am amazed how easily we can hit off despite treading different paths after all these while. I'm even more amazed about how fast people can change environments, survive, adapt, discard, and then forget. Maybe memories are a hard bunch to keep, or we're all moving too fast to turn and look back, but most importantly, we all seem happy when we're together. That's probably what I hope it would be like for me, 1 year down the road, with the same people, but with a different role, in a different capacity, with a different tone, carrying a different intention, and portraying a different attitude.
Friday night showed me more than just booze and karaoke. There was craziness, epicness, togetherness and friendships forged that will last a lifetime, I suppose. 3 years and counting, we still manage to come together to learn from each other, know each other, and interest ourselves in how the rest are doing. The things we do can be crazy, because there are definitely no boundaries that we know of.
There are so many moments in life for reflection, or to be wasted through the staring into empty space, or to educate others with. To live with an empty mind is to see with closed eyes. The Dark Knight Rises is a movie served up with a scrumptious load of action, and comic-hero-style served on a shiny platter. That's the problem - the movie is far too surreal and incredulous for the usual folk, but people would pay to see such stunts. People would gladly pay to see justice and faith restored in the hearts of an entire city. People would pay to enjoy the moments of excitement and triumph felt, each time Batman performs a reckless move all in the name of poetic justice. And then I thought of how life would be a lot more interesting if we had all that drama.
A storm is brewing, but we still live like there's nothing to fear, nothing to fix, and nothing more to give.
There are many decisions I can make; and to be honest, throughout my life I've made more than one reckless decision that has caused devastation. But there are also decisions that I can't make - decisions that warp my mind so bad it hurts just to say it, or even do it; decisions that are nothing more than downright selfish, self-fulfilling and self-gratifying; decisions that make the whole world seem like a joke, and myself the greatest joker who manages to convince the world that the sun rises from the west. Tough decisions are no longer tough when the only route and available option presents itself to you after meticulous deliberation. I've always told others that how hard I fight a war shows how desperate I am. In the face of crisis, caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, there are wars that I can no longer fight, or commitments I can no longer selfishly decide upon. So I'll let them be. I'll let the test drive us all to desperation. I'll let you call me a fraud, a liar, a hypocrite, and then I'll know how dark this microcosm of a society can be. No, I'm not a martyr. I'm a superhero in the making.
Decadence is inevitable, but what's worse is how self-delusional we have become, and how certain of our misguidance we have arrived at. The wisdom was never passed down. Tides change quicker than the beach can accept them. The result is a cosy beach with such fine sand - a perfect getaway for the sole purpose of relaxation and, frankly, finer sand.
Sunday was a catch-up session with the people I don't see around anymore, even though they were a huge part of my work life previously. I am amazed how easily we can hit off despite treading different paths after all these while. I'm even more amazed about how fast people can change environments, survive, adapt, discard, and then forget. Maybe memories are a hard bunch to keep, or we're all moving too fast to turn and look back, but most importantly, we all seem happy when we're together. That's probably what I hope it would be like for me, 1 year down the road, with the same people, but with a different role, in a different capacity, with a different tone, carrying a different intention, and portraying a different attitude.
Friday night showed me more than just booze and karaoke. There was craziness, epicness, togetherness and friendships forged that will last a lifetime, I suppose. 3 years and counting, we still manage to come together to learn from each other, know each other, and interest ourselves in how the rest are doing. The things we do can be crazy, because there are definitely no boundaries that we know of.
There are so many moments in life for reflection, or to be wasted through the staring into empty space, or to educate others with. To live with an empty mind is to see with closed eyes. The Dark Knight Rises is a movie served up with a scrumptious load of action, and comic-hero-style served on a shiny platter. That's the problem - the movie is far too surreal and incredulous for the usual folk, but people would pay to see such stunts. People would gladly pay to see justice and faith restored in the hearts of an entire city. People would pay to enjoy the moments of excitement and triumph felt, each time Batman performs a reckless move all in the name of poetic justice. And then I thought of how life would be a lot more interesting if we had all that drama.
A storm is brewing, but we still live like there's nothing to fear, nothing to fix, and nothing more to give.
There are many decisions I can make; and to be honest, throughout my life I've made more than one reckless decision that has caused devastation. But there are also decisions that I can't make - decisions that warp my mind so bad it hurts just to say it, or even do it; decisions that are nothing more than downright selfish, self-fulfilling and self-gratifying; decisions that make the whole world seem like a joke, and myself the greatest joker who manages to convince the world that the sun rises from the west. Tough decisions are no longer tough when the only route and available option presents itself to you after meticulous deliberation. I've always told others that how hard I fight a war shows how desperate I am. In the face of crisis, caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, there are wars that I can no longer fight, or commitments I can no longer selfishly decide upon. So I'll let them be. I'll let the test drive us all to desperation. I'll let you call me a fraud, a liar, a hypocrite, and then I'll know how dark this microcosm of a society can be. No, I'm not a martyr. I'm a superhero in the making.
Decadence is inevitable, but what's worse is how self-delusional we have become, and how certain of our misguidance we have arrived at. The wisdom was never passed down. Tides change quicker than the beach can accept them. The result is a cosy beach with such fine sand - a perfect getaway for the sole purpose of relaxation and, frankly, finer sand.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
The Last of It
All-time favourite song: Joe Brooks - Superman
If I could be a superman I'd fly you to the stars and back again
'Cause every time you touch my hand, you feel my powers running through your veins
But I can only write this song and tell you that I'm not that strong
'Cause I'm no superman I hope you like me as I am
If I could be a superman I'd fly you to the stars and back again
'Cause every time you touch my hand, you feel my powers running through your veins
But I can only write this song and tell you that I'm not that strong
'Cause I'm no superman I hope you like me as I am
Monday, July 16, 2012
Standard Bearer
I couldn't control myself. I did it again. I swear I wasn't like that 1.5 years ago - wanting nothing more than just to get out of this god-forsaken place. But now, now I want so much more. I want so much for myself, and most importantly, for others, that I think I really must stop now. So I will.
I don't want to live this way. I feel so tired trying to improve the lives of others through incessant teaching and relentless drilling and mindless chanting. Maybe that's how a teacher is like. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be like, but I'm sure it's not. I'm sure there is a better way of doing this, and I want to know that way. I want to get the hell out of here as soon as possible because another minute I dwell in this sinking ship I think I'm going insane. There is absolutely nothing that I'm fighting for, and I am amazed at how long I've been pushing myself on on empty cartridges of energy and driving myself forward on empty tanks of fuel. It cannot be possible, really, but it just happens. What is wrong with me? How do I feel so cheated and not do anything about it?
But you don't understand. You will never understand. You will see my struggle, but you will not experience my struggle. You will run the show in a totally different manner, and I think many would like that. No one likes a nagger. But I nag simply because it's just not good enough. And trust me when I tell you what's good enough and what's not, because that's the standard I've been put through. Nothing less than that can ever be considered adequate; yes, I'd like to see it that way. Call me an asshole for all you want. I think playing the bad guy is pretty cool :)
I don't want to live this way. I feel so tired trying to improve the lives of others through incessant teaching and relentless drilling and mindless chanting. Maybe that's how a teacher is like. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be like, but I'm sure it's not. I'm sure there is a better way of doing this, and I want to know that way. I want to get the hell out of here as soon as possible because another minute I dwell in this sinking ship I think I'm going insane. There is absolutely nothing that I'm fighting for, and I am amazed at how long I've been pushing myself on on empty cartridges of energy and driving myself forward on empty tanks of fuel. It cannot be possible, really, but it just happens. What is wrong with me? How do I feel so cheated and not do anything about it?
But you don't understand. You will never understand. You will see my struggle, but you will not experience my struggle. You will run the show in a totally different manner, and I think many would like that. No one likes a nagger. But I nag simply because it's just not good enough. And trust me when I tell you what's good enough and what's not, because that's the standard I've been put through. Nothing less than that can ever be considered adequate; yes, I'd like to see it that way. Call me an asshole for all you want. I think playing the bad guy is pretty cool :)
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Mr. Lonely
For most part, regrettably, I'm alone.
Today started off pretty gloomy - after showers with an overcast sky, cold air draping over the city. To add on to the gloominess, I was on my way to release someone from detention. Oh, no, I'm not complaining about that having to do it; I'm just saying, it's not exactly a very joyful thing to do. It's not my first time, but every time I do it I feel a little sad inside, because even though some of them really deserved it, there are some who were in there just because somewhere, something went wrong and in a twist of events and luck pushed too far they end up in there. Nobody could really expect when it will happen.
His parents and friends were there to pick him up. I briefly spoke to his parents and got to know a little more. I also came to know that they visited him once every week. When I went in there to get him, I could hear in his voice that he was excited. And true enough, he was, when he saw them there waiting for him. They offered to fetch me too, and we left hurriedly.
Throughout the journey I felt detached from reality. There were no tears, no sad story, no grievances, no complains, just genuine elation in knowing that he is moving along to something new and leaving that place behind. There was joy in the conversations with his friends, and a quiet appreciation, if it actually could be felt, that permeated the interior of the car. I was silent throughout.
And then I remember my own journeys. Just as silent. Just as inert. Just as nonparticipating.
I am not ashamed to admit that I'm jealous of happy families, close friends that can almost do everything together, childhood buddies who have seen all of you, known all of you, but still want to hang around you so much because they love you. Where can I find this feeling of bliss? Or have I been locking myself out for too long to ask for it anymore?
There's a time for change, and I am getting closer to it.
Today started off pretty gloomy - after showers with an overcast sky, cold air draping over the city. To add on to the gloominess, I was on my way to release someone from detention. Oh, no, I'm not complaining about that having to do it; I'm just saying, it's not exactly a very joyful thing to do. It's not my first time, but every time I do it I feel a little sad inside, because even though some of them really deserved it, there are some who were in there just because somewhere, something went wrong and in a twist of events and luck pushed too far they end up in there. Nobody could really expect when it will happen.
His parents and friends were there to pick him up. I briefly spoke to his parents and got to know a little more. I also came to know that they visited him once every week. When I went in there to get him, I could hear in his voice that he was excited. And true enough, he was, when he saw them there waiting for him. They offered to fetch me too, and we left hurriedly.
Throughout the journey I felt detached from reality. There were no tears, no sad story, no grievances, no complains, just genuine elation in knowing that he is moving along to something new and leaving that place behind. There was joy in the conversations with his friends, and a quiet appreciation, if it actually could be felt, that permeated the interior of the car. I was silent throughout.
And then I remember my own journeys. Just as silent. Just as inert. Just as nonparticipating.
I am not ashamed to admit that I'm jealous of happy families, close friends that can almost do everything together, childhood buddies who have seen all of you, known all of you, but still want to hang around you so much because they love you. Where can I find this feeling of bliss? Or have I been locking myself out for too long to ask for it anymore?
There's a time for change, and I am getting closer to it.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Love Story
Finding the perfect one from an enormous crowd of people cannot be easy. Maybe that's why people settle for less than perfect - not because they are lazy, or because they are undeserving, but because there is no perfect one.
Seeking for perfection in your other half is a one-way ticket to disaster, simply because anything less than what you expect may very well create an argument that develops into a catastrophe. Okay, I'm just exaggerating here. Not quite short of the actual situation, though. I've seen friends who seem so happy together suddenly find themselves tired of each other, or unable to tolerate the other person's daily habits. In fact, when they tell me their stories, it's almost always common that, in my opinion, they've expected far too much perfection from the other person that as time goes by anything short of perfection is tantamount to a death sentence.
Till this day I'm still looking for the one girl who would sing a duet with me, eat all my unwanted veggies in a meal, stand as tall as my shoulder, love to walk around aimlessly and end up somewhere unnervingly foreign, adore watching movies, and yes, like to cook.
There can't be this person. Seriously.
But that doesn't mean I shouldn't keep searching. All these qualities I desire may not be present at first (except maybe the singing part and the as-tall-as-my-shoulder), but possibly along the way may be developed upon. Moral of the story is: There is no need to seek perfection in whoever you're after, because at the end of the day, perfection is but a selfish request. For all you know, your other half might have also attempted to seek perfection in you. How does that feel? And for those who are already together, the fact that you are loving each other right now like there's no tomorrow, is enough testament to which how you've found each other to be the next best thing from perfect.
Nobody wants to be forever alone. (I think...) And trust me, those who say they'd rather be... are better off left alone. I have so many romantic thoughts in my mind but no one to express them to. That's kinda sad, really. Okay... I'm trying not to weep here... haha
Being loved is probably the sweetest thing that can happen to anyone. I can't remember the last time someone made me feel that way, but damn, I'm longing for that feeling again. Gosh. I sound so desperate. After I ORD. I promise! :)
Talking to the moon,
trying to get to you;
In hopes you're on the other side
talking to me too,
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
talking to the moon?
Must be a love story between two wolves.
Seeking for perfection in your other half is a one-way ticket to disaster, simply because anything less than what you expect may very well create an argument that develops into a catastrophe. Okay, I'm just exaggerating here. Not quite short of the actual situation, though. I've seen friends who seem so happy together suddenly find themselves tired of each other, or unable to tolerate the other person's daily habits. In fact, when they tell me their stories, it's almost always common that, in my opinion, they've expected far too much perfection from the other person that as time goes by anything short of perfection is tantamount to a death sentence.
Till this day I'm still looking for the one girl who would sing a duet with me, eat all my unwanted veggies in a meal, stand as tall as my shoulder, love to walk around aimlessly and end up somewhere unnervingly foreign, adore watching movies, and yes, like to cook.
There can't be this person. Seriously.
But that doesn't mean I shouldn't keep searching. All these qualities I desire may not be present at first (except maybe the singing part and the as-tall-as-my-shoulder), but possibly along the way may be developed upon. Moral of the story is: There is no need to seek perfection in whoever you're after, because at the end of the day, perfection is but a selfish request. For all you know, your other half might have also attempted to seek perfection in you. How does that feel? And for those who are already together, the fact that you are loving each other right now like there's no tomorrow, is enough testament to which how you've found each other to be the next best thing from perfect.
Nobody wants to be forever alone. (I think...) And trust me, those who say they'd rather be... are better off left alone. I have so many romantic thoughts in my mind but no one to express them to. That's kinda sad, really. Okay... I'm trying not to weep here... haha
Being loved is probably the sweetest thing that can happen to anyone. I can't remember the last time someone made me feel that way, but damn, I'm longing for that feeling again. Gosh. I sound so desperate. After I ORD. I promise! :)
Talking to the moon,
trying to get to you;
In hopes you're on the other side
talking to me too,
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
talking to the moon?
Must be a love story between two wolves.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Building blocks
How can I be honest with you when I can't even be honest with myself?
I've realised that I'm really not that good at consoling people after all. I don't even try hard enough. It seems that all I have to do is just shut up and pretend that everything is alright, and then hope that somehow you don't feel so lousy about everything else anymore. There has to be some other way; I'm sure, but I just don't have the flair and capacity in this aspect. All I do is listen and advise and learn to suck it all up like a vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to entertain the people around me. How did I even arrive at this situation? Well I'm glad, at least, that I'm not the actor you are. I've never liked those pretentious and flambouyant douche-bags who try to put up a show before others. I'm sorry that I'm looking at you this way because, honestly, I haven't really changed my opinion of you since the very first day we've met, although I've learned to accept this as part of your character. And frankly speaking, despite acknowledging your competency, I believe I'm more depressed by the sick impression you paint for me than the facade that you present as a glamour. Sure you might be talented, but you're poisonous and seditious at the same time. I've to admit - it's a love-hate relationship. Truth be told, there can only be one survivor and I think I've already surrendered previously as the substitute.
I am still a staunch believer of the extremities of the way of things. There is no middle range or limbo when it comes to commitment. You can be either a wholehearted and diligent person or you can be just paying lip service. To put short, you either give a damn or you don't. You will see what I mean, when you try to process this: "I think... I give half-a-damn." You don't seem like the sort and I certainly hope I haven't judged you wrongly, because there's something special in you that draws me so close and make me hold my breath just watching you progress, AND and and and and and, we're moving one step closer towards perfection :)
I can't stand how I try to be a perfectionist at times. It's insane - the amount of energy and time I spent deliberating and contemplating and musing and fine-tuning - I can only say it's exhausting. But it's all for the greater good, and it's only fair that I get rewarded for all the effort. My reward is simply the sense of accomplishment.
Weirdo...
I've realised that I'm really not that good at consoling people after all. I don't even try hard enough. It seems that all I have to do is just shut up and pretend that everything is alright, and then hope that somehow you don't feel so lousy about everything else anymore. There has to be some other way; I'm sure, but I just don't have the flair and capacity in this aspect. All I do is listen and advise and learn to suck it all up like a vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to entertain the people around me. How did I even arrive at this situation? Well I'm glad, at least, that I'm not the actor you are. I've never liked those pretentious and flambouyant douche-bags who try to put up a show before others. I'm sorry that I'm looking at you this way because, honestly, I haven't really changed my opinion of you since the very first day we've met, although I've learned to accept this as part of your character. And frankly speaking, despite acknowledging your competency, I believe I'm more depressed by the sick impression you paint for me than the facade that you present as a glamour. Sure you might be talented, but you're poisonous and seditious at the same time. I've to admit - it's a love-hate relationship. Truth be told, there can only be one survivor and I think I've already surrendered previously as the substitute.
I am still a staunch believer of the extremities of the way of things. There is no middle range or limbo when it comes to commitment. You can be either a wholehearted and diligent person or you can be just paying lip service. To put short, you either give a damn or you don't. You will see what I mean, when you try to process this: "I think... I give half-a-damn." You don't seem like the sort and I certainly hope I haven't judged you wrongly, because there's something special in you that draws me so close and make me hold my breath just watching you progress, AND and and and and and, we're moving one step closer towards perfection :)
I can't stand how I try to be a perfectionist at times. It's insane - the amount of energy and time I spent deliberating and contemplating and musing and fine-tuning - I can only say it's exhausting. But it's all for the greater good, and it's only fair that I get rewarded for all the effort. My reward is simply the sense of accomplishment.
Weirdo...
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