I couldn't control myself. I did it again. I swear I wasn't like that 1.5 years ago - wanting nothing more than just to get out of this god-forsaken place. But now, now I want so much more. I want so much for myself, and most importantly, for others, that I think I really must stop now. So I will.
I don't want to live this way. I feel so tired trying to improve the lives of others through incessant teaching and relentless drilling and mindless chanting. Maybe that's how a teacher is like. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be like, but I'm sure it's not. I'm sure there is a better way of doing this, and I want to know that way. I want to get the hell out of here as soon as possible because another minute I dwell in this sinking ship I think I'm going insane. There is absolutely nothing that I'm fighting for, and I am amazed at how long I've been pushing myself on on empty cartridges of energy and driving myself forward on empty tanks of fuel. It cannot be possible, really, but it just happens. What is wrong with me? How do I feel so cheated and not do anything about it?
But you don't understand. You will never understand. You will see my struggle, but you will not experience my struggle. You will run the show in a totally different manner, and I think many would like that. No one likes a nagger. But I nag simply because it's just not good enough. And trust me when I tell you what's good enough and what's not, because that's the standard I've been put through. Nothing less than that can ever be considered adequate; yes, I'd like to see it that way. Call me an asshole for all you want. I think playing the bad guy is pretty cool :)
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