Yesterday was another awesome day spent with awesome people. Movies always get me excited, but I'd prefer one with great after-activities. Nevertheless, I still love how we can find some time to enjoy these small but engaging moments after work. I really like these hangouts; but how far can I go with this before I tip the scale and lose the balance? I want to be part of it, but I don't feel that way. Trying hard is one thing, knowing that you'll fail no matter how hard you try is another. There's only one way to do this, and that is to dislodge, cut those invisible cuffs and dissolve those barriers; but right now is not the time.
Sunday was a catch-up session with the people I don't see around anymore, even though they were a huge part of my work life previously. I am amazed how easily we can hit off despite treading different paths after all these while. I'm even more amazed about how fast people can change environments, survive, adapt, discard, and then forget. Maybe memories are a hard bunch to keep, or we're all moving too fast to turn and look back, but most importantly, we all seem happy when we're together. That's probably what I hope it would be like for me, 1 year down the road, with the same people, but with a different role, in a different capacity, with a different tone, carrying a different intention, and portraying a different attitude.
Friday night showed me more than just booze and karaoke. There was craziness, epicness, togetherness and friendships forged that will last a lifetime, I suppose. 3 years and counting, we still manage to come together to learn from each other, know each other, and interest ourselves in how the rest are doing. The things we do can be crazy, because there are definitely no boundaries that we know of.
There are so many moments in life for reflection, or to be wasted through the staring into empty space, or to educate others with. To live with an empty mind is to see with closed eyes. The Dark Knight Rises is a movie served up with a scrumptious load of action, and comic-hero-style served on a shiny platter. That's the problem - the movie is far too surreal and incredulous for the usual folk, but people would pay to see such stunts. People would gladly pay to see justice and faith restored in the hearts of an entire city. People would pay to enjoy the moments of excitement and triumph felt, each time Batman performs a reckless move all in the name of poetic justice. And then I thought of how life would be a lot more interesting if we had all that drama.
A storm is brewing, but we still live like there's nothing to fear, nothing to fix, and nothing more to give.
There are many decisions I can make; and to be honest, throughout my life I've made more than one reckless decision that has caused devastation. But there are also decisions that I can't make - decisions that warp my mind so bad it hurts just to say it, or even do it; decisions that are nothing more than downright selfish, self-fulfilling and self-gratifying; decisions that make the whole world seem like a joke, and myself the greatest joker who manages to convince the world that the sun rises from the west. Tough decisions are no longer tough when the only route and available option presents itself to you after meticulous deliberation. I've always told others that how hard I fight a war shows how desperate I am. In the face of crisis, caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, there are wars that I can no longer fight, or commitments I can no longer selfishly decide upon. So I'll let them be. I'll let the test drive us all to desperation. I'll let you call me a fraud, a liar, a hypocrite, and then I'll know how dark this microcosm of a society can be. No, I'm not a martyr. I'm a superhero in the making.
Decadence is inevitable, but what's worse is how self-delusional we have become, and how certain of our misguidance we have arrived at. The wisdom was never passed down. Tides change quicker than the beach can accept them. The result is a cosy beach with such fine sand - a perfect getaway for the sole purpose of relaxation and, frankly, finer sand.
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