I'm on leave!

Haha I don't know why I'm going around proclaiming this, but right now I'm really feeling a wee bit too excited about this long break. It's about time; and yea, I think I do deserve it.

As I was going through the list of things I am gonna do this long break, I came to realise that I have really taken too long to do this. Seriously what was I thinking? And when I get back we shall see the amount of arrows stuck to the scarecrow I have put up, if you get what I mean haha.

The main aim of this leave is to take time off the hectic daily activities in camp (trust me, it's NOT 8-5) and go crazie for awhile. I can't remember the last time I lost myself in happiness and bliss, not worrying about anything or anyone. Maybe it was before enlistment, maybe before JC; I can't remember. Right now I'm just gonna focus on finding back this feeling and live my life reminiscing on how I used to feel that way.

And as the month comes to a closure, it'll be great to do some self-assessment, self-evaluation, soul-searching, zoning out, therapy, schedule planning, and zoning out again. After all, we all need some of these to feel that we're still attached to a world that makes sense, and that we haven't lost all of our sanity for good. Yet. :)

The Climb

Every time when I feel helpless I'll tune in to this song, because it always gets me going on.

But this time round, I really feel like I'm slipping. I can't do this alone anymore. It's taking up too much of my capacity and draining all my life away. I used to be wide awake in the days but lately I even take snoozes in the office.

A team is only as strong as its weakest link. And when I walk into an office full of people fooling around (defined by not doing ANY sort of work while happily making noise), I can't help but feel demoralised sometimes. How would you feel when you see that you are the only person in the entire office who is actually at your computer doing something? Their presence, as if not already pointless enough, adds on to the frustration and irritation I feel. Especially when you realise these are the people whom you are working with everyday.

There's always gonna be another mountain,
I'm always gonna wanna make it move;
Always gonna be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose.

This time I choose to lose.

I don't need compliance. I don't need obedience. I don't need conformity. I need self-discipline. I need responsibility. I need sensibility.

It's hard to understand, because you do not possess any of the 3 qualities that I seek. I'm sorry, my assistance ends here. I put out my hand to help you up but you brutally chopped it off. This is not a game. You do not get 3 tries for a dollar. I'm sorry to inform you that if you thought this was a game, your game is officially over.

Also,
this makes you a...

*drum roll*

loser.

Ba dum TSS.

CNY Blues

Oh no. This can't be good. CNY blues?

I was on duty 2 nights ago till 10a.m. yesterday (23/01). Got some well wishes on Facebook; and as I mentioned, it's not as bad as what most people think it is. I was on 9GAG the entire time, and what a page-turner it was. Page after page after page omg it was endless. And then I had a conference call with dear pomelo and ping-ping-jie-jie. So sweet :)

Alright yesterday was kinda fruitful I guess (I'm still quite uncomfortable calling it "yesterday" because it literally just happened a few hours ago). I went to my Grandpa's house and... I fell asleep watching TV. -.- hey it's not my fault the show was boring and there was absolutely nothing to do. I know it's rude to just sleep like that, and I'm sorry, I tried my best.

Then I went to weeyang's house to get some dose of ass-kicking DW7. Something 'bout this game is so damn addictive. And I mean it. Damn hell addictive.

Dinner at aunt's house; some banluck, movie, chillaxing. Some nice luck there in gambling haha. Made a small tidy profit :D but it was unable to cover the catered buffet dinner. 170 bucks! I know, it's a lot for 5 people, but hey, it's the season! Learn to give a little without whining the entire way home. Sometimes I wonder why adults are so calculative. I hope I don't turn out this way. Even if it's expensive or it's not good enough for the money you pay, at least make it worth the money by enjoying it - food, company, and everything else that's available. I didn't go all the way down for dinner just to hear all these. Every single year this rinses and repeats. It gets so awry when family starts attacking each other with caustic comments. Well at least they didn't say it in front of each other. I'm not sure if that's a saving grace.

Well there you have it. First day of CNY. Pretty eventful or uneventful, I leave it to you. To me it's all the same every year. Nothing special. And that's the problem exactly - nothing special. I would want to look forward to more new things we could do each year but we haven't seem to find it yet. It's slowly turning into a one-size-fit-all-everyone-feels-happy kind of PH. Everyone's happy because we don't have to work. I feel that way actually. I'm happy for the holiday but not so much about the festival, celebration, and visiting. Frankly speaking, I'm starting to get tired of CNY (oh the blasphemy). Why am I feeling this way? Is this called the CNY blues?

It used to be a lot more fun when I was younger. I guess this is part of growing up - losing a little more magic every time we do it again. Or it might be partly due to estranged ties. Just maybe. As I was going through 9GAG yesterday, I came over this particular post:



And I find it true, to a large extent at least. When we were young nothing else other than fun seemed to matter. We always want to plae. Non-stop. So when we quarrel, when we say we hate each other, when we swear never to want to see each other or plae with one another ever again, we just did it out of a moment of anger and as soon as we realise how childish it was (the irony), we try to fix things up. We forgive each other only because we were both able to bury the hatchet and put down our pride for what was more important - fun. But as we grow up, we start to think that no one is indispensable. We want to win the fight. "Why should I apologise?" When we lose someone, we think "Never mind, I'll find someone like you". Truth is, you never will. And unless you stop being childish, you can kiss your friendship goodbye. I did that to you, and I realise my folly. I know it's too late now, but it will always serve as a reminder for me.

Happy CNY to all x)

Drunk.

Lately I feel like I'm in a less-than-sober state of mind. Not exactly knocked out, but maybe just a mild stupor.

This week has been dreadfully long (Thank god for the Ops Pause tomorrow). I'd try to remember what made me so lethargic but I'm still drunk. Drunk with apathy. After what happened the last few days, it has more or less cultivated a "I couldn't care less" or "I'm not gonna try anymore" sort of feeling inside of me. It might sound like resentment, but I am almost certain it's more of a disappointing soul banging to be released from this agony rather than a petty little fellow who insists on feeling angry and harnessing lots of angst. I have the right to be angry, but only because if I don't, people will start to think "Hey, it's okae to let this guy go suffer". I know you have that right too; it's only fair you do. It's also only fair if it is directed at the people who make your life more difficult.

On a more positive note, this week was a great opportunity for lessons. I've learnt so much from so many people. The week was an eye-opener as well - it opened my eyes to all the inherent flaws, indifference, incompetency, inferiority and a whole long list of other negativeness. I have never considered negativity to be detrimental, but apparently it is. IT IS, I SWEAR. Especially when you are surrounded by it, almost drowning, suffocated by it's tight, relentless vice-like grip, threatening to destroy you. But it's making a gamble. If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger instead. I am proud to say I've emerged much stronger after this week's episodes.

I lost my cool. I admit that all these while, while I thought I could turn things around and make things better, I realised I couldn't. This is just how life is. You can't control the way people think and the way they act, but you can try to influence them, positively, with your presence and maybe some teachings. Some souls will be redeemed, while some others will simply carry on their way of life.

It's too much work and effort to try and change the world. And don't you dare tell me not to give up, or that I don't have a right to be this angry, because deep down you know it's true. I cannot possibly do this alone, and some point in time I will give up, altogether, and leave for greener pastures.

While an overdose might drive you over the edge, a little sip of this apathy once in awhile could be rather sweet and vindictive.

One Day

I was intending to post something about this scene, about what she said to him. They're exactly captured in the subtitles. Apparently someone took a liking to this scene as well :D

"I love you, Dexter. So much. I just don't like you anymore."

When I was younger, I used to think that "like" and "love" were words you could use interchangeably, although I did realise that "love" had a stronger feeling attached to it. As I grew up, I found out that "like" was nothing like "love". I could "like" something very much, but I might not "love" it. So all along, all my life, I thought "love" was the stronger word regarding one's feelings to another. Technically it's not wrong to say that, and I do actually agree on that point, but this line here set me wondering and redefined my perspective of these 2 words.

It was always "I like you a lot, but I love someone else." It was rare, or I might even say, somewhat impossible, to love someone but not like them. So when I first saw this scene, I was very intrigued. He was an asshole to her, and she, she did not admit how much she wanted to be with him, nor did she dare to. Secretly they wanted each other, but they were both too haughty to admit.

But when she felt like he was pulling away, or she, too, was doing the same, she couldn't help but realise that their relationship was built upon rocks so shaky that they could give way anytime. One wrong sentence sparked their departure. On hindsight, the decadence was not inevitable, but it hinged on the fact that both of them, in an attempt to make the other so, so jealous, sacrificed the happiness that was presented right in front of them and squandered it away to their own egos. They thought they were entirely different people - they could be friends, but never lovers. They pretended that they could just be friends but couldn't help being jealous of each other. Such is the devastation of assumptions and wilfulness.

To know that you love someone but not like them is probably one of the most painful event that one has to go through. I love you so much and want the best for you, but I can't take anymore of your crap. I thought she'd been thinking that. She ran off afterwards. She needed to find a reason to like him again, or let time dissolve the disappointment, before she could truly like and love him again.

I thought this happened to us before.

But I think it's over now. We're good.

Happy

To make someone happy is such a difficult task to take on. Being happy is subjective and we can never find 2 people who require the same things in life to feel happy. It's not just the happiness of the moment sort. It's the lifelong, lingering happiness.

I remember how I used to be a really petty and immature fellow who, partly accrediting to the teenage angst, disrespected and totally ignored my parents for a period of time. This is not a joke. I really did ignore them for quite awhile, that was, until I needed their signature or money lol. Looking back at it, it was petty, it was selfish, it was tantrum-throwing. I had no reason to be that angry and they were not to be entirely blamed as well. But I'll like to put this past behind me and instead focus on our slightly improved relationship now.

It was the first time someone opened my eyes to something so fundamental that I never thought I could have missed it. I was having coffee with evelyn the other time, and I mentioned about how my sisters are extremely pampered and needed my Dad to fetch them around even when available public transport was evidently the wiser or time-saving choice. It just wasn't economical nor logical for my Dad to go down and pick them up when they could have made their way home themselves and they would have reached home before he even arrived. But then she told me, sometimes our parents offer to do all these little things for us, just to spend more time with us everyday. I swear it was an enlightenment, because in this tiny mind of mine it never occurred to me that maybe this was it, this was why he always offered to chauffeur us around.

I don't know if this made him happy; I've never asked. One day, I promise to find out for myself.

You've served your nation well today

Those were the words CPT Erzwin told me before I left camp today.

At first I found it quite funny (I think he meant it to be), but realised later how powerful those words were. Oh wait. Let me explain what happened first. He needed something from me, so I sent it over to him, and then asked him if there was anything else he needed 'cause I had to leave. So then he told me there was nothing else, and that I've served my nation well today.

It was an unexpected, well-crafted thank you, from a commander who appreciates my help. When was the last time you said a heartfelt "Thank you" to someone who helped you a great deal? Yes, you. Don't look around, there's no one else. Yoooooouuuu. When was the last time?

It wasn't that much of a help (I seriously just sent him something that I could easily access), I admit, but I felt appreciated. And maybe that's what spurs the people in our society nowadays to work hard for their superiors, for the bosses who occasionally reward his/her subordinates to a meal, to an outing, or with gifts. I want to be that kind of person. That kind who appreciates the people who help me, be it huge or small favours. You never know how a small action that expresses your gratitude may go a long way to make someone else feel so much more worthy.

Too often than not we may be too busy or too preoccupied with our own tasks that we forget, or worse still, are deliberately stingy, to say those 2 words. I know I'm sometimes guilty of the former, but never the latter. I'm not saying that we need to do it every single time, just for the sake of doing it. I mean, if it's not sincere, then what's the point?

So go ahead, give the people who deserve it the recognition for their effort.

You work too hard.

That's what everyone tells me. Magically, it's almost time to book in again. And when it's time to book in, I think of work. You can't blame me for doing that, because that's what my life is all about now. I don't care what other people say because I take pride in my work. I don't care if it's $400 because I take pride in my work. I'm not the kind that chucks my work somewhere and conveniently ignores it just because "I'm only paid $400 what". You may call this being taken advantage of, and I can't help but agree, but I can't help it either. It's not that I can't just ignore my work totally or make someone else do it, it's just that I want to make sure that if it goes through my hands I would like to make it a good piece of work. I'd like to make other people's life easier.

But all work and no play makes Joe a dull boy, and that is why, I spent this weekend playing Dynasty Warriors with jimmy at wee yang's house :D I really enjoyed the game and the company of the two of you and zikai who came much later.

Moving right along, I do think I'm overworked. Not that I'm complaining, but although the work is manageable, the work load is slightly more than what I usually have, since I'm doing 2 people's job concurrently. Nevertheless, I still think my work is reasonable, and that the reason why sometimes I take so long to finish one task is because I put in a lot of effort into my every piece of work.

If it's time for me to stop, I will. And if I didn't do all these adhoc come-in-from-nowhere nonsense and YOUR share of the job, then who died and made you king?

Zoom!

That's the sound of my life speeding by...

It's still quite incredible to believe that it's 2012 already, or that my age is hitting a double digit figure that starts with 2. Already.

(Insert ginormous sigh here) Even though I secretly want to stay young forever like Peter Pan, some part of me still wants to grow up. Therefore I shall embrace this journey of aging with joy and some comfort.

But have you realised, that as we grow older, choices seem harder to make?

I know, most of us will say that the first 12 or 13 years of our lives have been dictated - it is typical (I won't say essential) to follow the path of Pri --> Sec --> JC / Poly, and then what comes afterwards is just more of a personal endeavour. If this is what our society deems as a necessary path, so be it. I won't start arguing about "No, some people drop out of high school and still make millions" or "Studies are not everything in life", because this is not GP and I do not have to present both sides of the argument and I don't intend to do so because this is not about whether you study well or not. I'm way past that.

I have been through the process of selecting schools for 3 times already. (Let's not count Primary school since that one is probably done by our parents.) First time was Secondary school, then JC, and then Uni. Somehow I feel that as I progress with my education, choosing schools gets increasingly tedious. I don't understand why though. It's as if the less options you have the harder it is. From 3 digit options for Secondary schools, to 2 digit options for JC, to single digit options for Uni - it doesn't make sense that it gets harder. Isn't it more choices = more possibilities = more confusion = harder to choose? I don't know. Logical flaw maybe.

But actually I do realise why it is in fact harder to choose from less options. So far I think I've found 2 reasons why (so this IS GP):

1) As we grow older, our perspective matures. Our way of thinking develops and generates sophistication and complexity. It's not that simple anymore. I have so many things to consider - Is the school of good reputation? Does it offer the subject I want to study at the best possible level out of all the schools? Does it have a good culture? Will I survive? Take Uni for example. It's just 3 local universities. Why is it so damn hard to decide? Back when I was choosing my JC, I faced the same dilemma - "Which school is best for me?" And further back when I was choosing my Secondary school, "Is this a good school?".

2) We soon realise, time is running out and that we cannot afford to screw up anymore. It's a Uni education, for crying out loud. It's the last stage of your education. Are you gonna make a joke out of it and make the wrong choice? And then it strikes us - all along, our entire lives, all we wanted was to do well and get to a good school (you fill in your own definition of good), and we started working towards it since the day we were allowed to take control of our own future. Good Uni means I need to get into a good JC. Good JC means I need to get into a good Secondary school. Good Secondary school means I need to ace my PSLE. If I screw up my PSLE, I still have Secondary school to catch up. Don't worry. If I don't do that well in Secondary school, I still have 2 years in JC to fight it out. And then we hit last stage. "Last stage one last life no more lifeline once chance I'm not gonna squander it away," you think. Would it be disappointing if you completed a game all the way to the last stage only to know that you are going to lose? All that effort for nothing?

You CANNOT screw this up.

Pride and Prejudice

Nah it's not about the book. Although I have actually long wanted to read this classic, but have never really found the time (nor patience) to do so. Or it might also be due to my lack of literary capacity and threshold, probably. Anyway, this post is pretty upfront. It's about pride, and prejudice. Simple as that.

I went for my dental appointment last week. Interestingly, this was one of my more "unexpected" dental appointments so far. When I was getting my teeth done, I overheard the dentist talking to her assistant. Okae, I didn't overhear. They were actually talking to each other as they did my teeth. But the dentist said weird stuff like "Ask her don't stir shit" and "Do you think I should be angry?" that I couldn't help but wonder what this was all about. "No, she didn't sit together with us during lunch just now. I think she was late doing some of her stuff." Could it be office politics? This possibility immediately popped into my mind but I couldn't be too bothered by it since I was only there for a very short session. But seriously, even dentists practice office politics? o.O Btw they did all these with my mouth open wide and I was left there trying damn hard to keep it open. Even I'm impressed how long I could actually do that.

As I left the clinic to take a bus home, there was this man, in his fifties I suppose, who approached me at the bus stop. He asked me if I knew how much the bus fare was for taking a bus to the bus interchange. He explained that there were rates printed on the boards at the back but they were too confusing for him to comprehend. So being a good soldier (yes, I was in uniform. bloody hell I had to go for my appointment in uniform because I left the office late for some stuff), I was quick to assist to explain how the fare system works. When I was done explaining, he added, "So you're from 2PDF, young man?". I was pleasantly surprised. I told him yes and he continued reminiscing about how he was a soldier from 2PDF back when it was still at Beach Road.

"So what's the vocation?" he asked.

I paused for a moment. "I'm an Admin Support Assistant."
Having said that, I was quick to add on, "I suffered some injury in BMT," and went on to explain what my condition was. And then the bus came and we ended our conversation and I boarded before him and moved to the back of the bus as he started looking for change for the ride.

As the bus took off, I started pondering over our conversation. Why did I hesitate to say I am an ASA? Did I have to tell him I was injured in BMT? And then it dawned on me - no matter how much I thought "Hey, my injury is legitimate," or "No, it's not chao keng. I really am suffering from vertebra stress fracture", deep down under, behind this pathetic facade and defensive castle walls I have built up to defend my PES status, I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I'm an ASA. I am ashamed that while the rest of my peers are doing combat training, I am typing away in an office. I am ashamed that I could go home everyday while my peers were only allowed to do so on weekends. I am afraid, to be honest, what others might think of me and what they would say of me.

It is, ultimately, a matter of pride. I have my pride, and I am so afraid that my condition leads to the destruction of it. I can't possibly say proudly "I am an ASA because I injured myself during BMT". Why would anyone say that? Did you not want to go to command school when asked in BMT? Or did you think you would be better off being a man on the ground, or even better, a clerk?

I am also amazed at how quickly prejudices can be formed. Down PES = chao keng. How convenient. At least that's what I think. No matter what the prejudice (even if it's my own), it seems to steer to a negative angle. And that's the beauty of the word. It has a negative connotation to it such that literally, nothing good comes out of it. The reputation of office soldiers (or air-con soldiers whichever you prefer or think is more derogatory) have been thoroughly soiled by undetermined and lazy misfits who think that leading an 8-to-5 life is what Army should be all about, so much so that genuine disabilities for combat vocations have become dubious or have been deemed, naturally, as possible exploitations to make oneself more comfortable in this span of 2 years. Don't try to pretend that you don't think the same way that I do. The prejudice is etched too deeply into the minds of all of us that there's no escaping it. You wouldn't admit it though, because it would be extremely rude to tell someone in the face that they CMI. Instead, you would say politically that "You should take care. Your ailment sounds pretty serious."

Back to when I was conversing with the stranger at the bus stop, I remember he asked as well - "So, at this time, you're going back to camp?". I could only wallow in shame as I sparked the prejudice in him.

"No, I'm heading home."