Drunk.

Lately I feel like I'm in a less-than-sober state of mind. Not exactly knocked out, but maybe just a mild stupor.

This week has been dreadfully long (Thank god for the Ops Pause tomorrow). I'd try to remember what made me so lethargic but I'm still drunk. Drunk with apathy. After what happened the last few days, it has more or less cultivated a "I couldn't care less" or "I'm not gonna try anymore" sort of feeling inside of me. It might sound like resentment, but I am almost certain it's more of a disappointing soul banging to be released from this agony rather than a petty little fellow who insists on feeling angry and harnessing lots of angst. I have the right to be angry, but only because if I don't, people will start to think "Hey, it's okae to let this guy go suffer". I know you have that right too; it's only fair you do. It's also only fair if it is directed at the people who make your life more difficult.

On a more positive note, this week was a great opportunity for lessons. I've learnt so much from so many people. The week was an eye-opener as well - it opened my eyes to all the inherent flaws, indifference, incompetency, inferiority and a whole long list of other negativeness. I have never considered negativity to be detrimental, but apparently it is. IT IS, I SWEAR. Especially when you are surrounded by it, almost drowning, suffocated by it's tight, relentless vice-like grip, threatening to destroy you. But it's making a gamble. If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger instead. I am proud to say I've emerged much stronger after this week's episodes.

I lost my cool. I admit that all these while, while I thought I could turn things around and make things better, I realised I couldn't. This is just how life is. You can't control the way people think and the way they act, but you can try to influence them, positively, with your presence and maybe some teachings. Some souls will be redeemed, while some others will simply carry on their way of life.

It's too much work and effort to try and change the world. And don't you dare tell me not to give up, or that I don't have a right to be this angry, because deep down you know it's true. I cannot possibly do this alone, and some point in time I will give up, altogether, and leave for greener pastures.

While an overdose might drive you over the edge, a little sip of this apathy once in awhile could be rather sweet and vindictive.