Shed Your Masks

Another day, another session. I've been studying pretty intensively these few days now, but I think "intensive" is rather relative because I know there are definitely people out there who are more dedicated in terms of revision. I know now is probably not a good time to do this, but amidst my revision, I still find time to do the things I enjoy. I don't know if this is compromising my grades, but clearly I couldn't care less haha. I'll let my thoughts wander once in a while, and allow my senses to relax for a moment.

It will never be proportionate. The cramming and the results. Throughout the years I've realised how studying really does require techniques. My chat with nicole the other day makes me conclude that the less you try to clog your mind with truckloads of information, the more likely you'll find what you need when you need it. The mind palace, as Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock puts it. Having an organised assortment of knowledge in your mind certainly empowers you to selectively extract what is really essential; there is only so much disk space in there so why waste it? We already subconsciously bombard it with useless media everyday that we don't even realise how the retention rate of our minds are slowly being eroded. But interactive media is the new black, so instead of shunning it we should really learn how to manoeuvre through all that gunk and pick out the gems that genuinely improve our minds.

Going back to watch the recorded Stats lectures (because I skipped all my lectures; I know I'm a bad student), I saw how my Stats tutor is relentlessly consistent in his preaching. He would insist that we will never beat the computer, so let's not try to. Learning an analysis methodology is way more beneficial for us, and I'm not gonna argue with that. It does. I learn so much better by seeing the logic behind each formula and each assumption and each consideration. Formulae are after all, condensed logic that have been tried and tested.

In NBS, everything is a competition. Everyone wants an A, but if is it indeed a bell curve, then someone gets the D, isn't it? (see what I did there ;) haha) How many of us actually think getting a lousy grade means we're not as good, and how many of us truly believe it's inadequacy? The whole grading system is a competition, and we're all pitted against each other. There is only one outcome - aggression. People start picking team mates strategically, consulting A+ reports by seniors who have clearly done something right, and guard our GPAs as if they were incriminating national secrets. But really, if you're played out like that, there isn't much choice. Many will say "I don't want to compete if I had a choice; I'd rather we all enjoy this journey", but only a few genuinely walk the talk. We do what we have to; no shame in admitting that and definitely nothing wrong with that. But is it not exhausting to constantly maintain these fragile relationships so mercenary in nature, threaded together by merely mutual benefits? Or has it become so commonplace that we have stopped seeing how grotesque this is? Regardless consciously orchestrated or unconsciously manipulated into, let's cut this pretence. Don't live in denial - tell people how you really see them. How you judge them. Friends, allies, partners, stepping stones.

I know what you're gonna say - "But it's like this everywhere else! Stop being a weakling and suck it up. That's life. That's reality." But that is your reality, not mine. I want to believe that genuine people exist, so don't deny that from me. And my only advice to you is to hold on as hard as you can to these people in your life if you haven't already chased them all away.

Inspired.

Being inspired and having the ability to inspire are distinctly two different concepts altogether. Few people possess the latter, while many have misunderstood the meaning and implication of the former, therefore allowing a fleeting moment of passion wither into yet another unfulfilled resolution.

I know for sure Charlie Lim is one of those people who inspires.

I watched him perform live for the first time last night at library@esplanade and was completely blown away. I've heard so much about his talent, listened to his songs on YouTube, knew he was one of the acts in Mosaic Music Festival 2014, but nothing really exemplifies the man's ingenuity for me like last night's performance. It was truly magical. Every second of his performance indicated the enormous amount of hours and effort that went into perfecting his craft.

It wasn't till lately that I realised Singapore is brimming with crazily talented people. The other two acts last night - Samantha Rui and HubbaBubbas - were equally incredible. I've first caught Samantha's performance when she was showcased with Gentle Bones at the Esplanade concourse. I was so mesmerised by the mellow acoustic voice this girl produced. Then there's HubbaBubbas with their pop rhythm and sensibilities which I first discovered when they performed at Bugis on the Taylor Swift Red Tour bus - the trio that had my feet tapping and grooving.

I wished for more nights like these, where there is good music, silent appreciation and genuine feelings. No, it was more than that. It was everything from sensory trance to mental liberation to anatomical tension. Surely there was more. It is something layered with complexities yet delivered in such a simple way and with uncomplicated intentions. I try to find a word for this feeling; out-of-the-world? Enchanting? Music.

Yes, it was music.

Hiding My Heart

So, today marks the last day of lesson for my first year in uni, but I don't want to talk about how time flies or exams are in two weeks time. None of that.

I remember entering school all starry-eyed and excited, as well as having these mixed feelings. Most people would have felt this way too I guess; after all, it's a new journey in life and you wouldn't know exactly what to expect. But as the year goes by, I start to accept the new ways of studying, the new environment, and the new system of scoring. Perhaps it was the nature of short semesters that make fleeting friendships a characteristic of uni. You might or might not have stuck it through with the people you know, but we move on regardless. My first few days reminded me of the same of those in JC. I knew no one, and felt kinda lost. I contemplated changing schools back then, but my wonderful class saved me from that unfathomable consequence. In retrospect, it seemed very much like an impulsive decision - one that presented an escape route, nevertheless. I thought about doing it. But I didn't.

Accepting. Maybe that's what I'm used to. Accept what I'm given. Accept what is expected of me. Accept that I could never be different or more than ordinary. (I could list a few words off my head to describe myself now, but "dull" and "reclusive" are the closest contenders for the top position.) There is no more accepting this time. I'm taking that leap of faith. If I told you what I'm doing you might think I'm insane, but I don't want to pretend any more. I want to stop living in a personality that's not me. It's probably not a good time to think about changing courses so near to examinations but I cannot help but start thinking about how at the end of it, I need to choose a specialisation from six choices but I want none of them. Is it not telling that something must be wrong? I ask myself so many times, because the accepting spirit inculcated in me is screaming in defiance at this blasphemous idea. This time I've muted it.

Is this an escape? But if you're running away with a destination in mind, is that still escaping? To run away is to escape. To run toward - could it be to pursue? I find myself in the same situation as my first days in JC. However, this time round, I know for sure it's not because I want to get away from the unfamiliar to the familiar just to find security. I know it's because I want to be honest with myself and stop over-thinking about all the things that could or might happen, but take the chance at something for once in my life. To do what I want to do. To be selfish. To desire.

I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away.