Evaluation

My mom came into my room just now asking if I wanted to celebrate my 21st and if so, how? To be honest, I don't know the answer to that. I'm not really a party kind of person.

2 months ago we were still bathing in the new year spirit, rejoicing our survival of the 21.12.12 apocalypse, and making a long list of "things I want to achieve in 2013", which (c'mon; let's not lie to ourselves), is way too far from seeing its first item struck out. Well, let's not get too dejected yet. After all, the year has only just started :)

I had a short chat with my boss today, about the application of scholarships. To my surprise, I got a response that put me into a bit more perspective. I understood how people - scholars - think about other people, and I think it might be better keeping that sentiment to myself. In case you were wondering, it wasn't all good, but it did make a lot of sense, and made me think a little more about myself as a person, what I want to achieve, as well as how much of myself I am willing to give up.

As we reach the end the month, take some time to muse the kind of person we really are, and contemplate whether 2013 us is going to be much difference from 2012 us. What and how would we change, if we do, and why do we feel the need to do so? It's time to start asking ourselves some questions, before we find ourselves carrying our resolutions forward every year in a never-ending pursuit of procrastinated dreams.

Bring It On

I realise I haven't posted in awhile, so...

No, I don't think I was ever compelled to post, but I often get into a pensive mood for no particular reason, and I kinda enjoy these moments. I have bursts of enthusiasm to write something, but there are also times when I feel too lazy to even think about it. I guess we are all people like that. We dream of all the things we want to do, which may not necessarily always materialise. For that, we yearn more for the things that we know are privileges. There will come a time when we no longer want things, because we have everything we ever dreamed of – not because we worked too hard and enjoyed too little (I hope not), but because we tailored our expectations, and compromised our ambitions to settle for something more realistic, more achievable. I don’t think that’s wrong. The ambitious will dream of living in contentment, and the contented will fantasise about living a life of ambition. We all want to be people we aren’t, just because we aren’t.

I have been pretty busy lately, with work in the office and researching on some scholarship stuff. The time of the year has come again when I feel lousy about myself because of the things I don't see in my transcripts. But after a while, I convinced myself to believe that it is not all about accolades and results and whatnot. It is the heart; the desire to do well, to do more, so as to give more, and to live more. I just hope that the people seating behind that panel can see through all my imperfections to find a confident young man wanting to contribute. 

No more fears and insecurities - I'm in fight mode.

Enough Already!

I’m doing this in office right now. Boy, I hope I don’t get caught...

Last time I posted I mentioned that I grew up learning that I was someone who always had enough. Sure, there are times I had a little more than I expected, some indulgences to spare, and vice versa, but that’s about it. I don’t know why, but that’s how my life has been the past 20 years. I come from a family of humble background – nothing fanciful, nothing extravagant. My parents belong to the lower income bracket (their combined income could not have exceeded 5k/month), and I have 2 siblings who are still schooling now. In essence, we are a family that has to scrimp and save to afford anything slightly big-ticketed.

And that’s why I’ve always had enough, but not more. I know, given my situation to some people, they might think that I have far too little, but I’d like to think that I have enough rather than short-changed in life. Some people never needed financial assistance, but all 3 of us did. Some people never wanted bursaries as badly as we did, but we needed them for funding. Some people could afford meals at restaurants once a week, but we couldn’t. Some people could have electronics, toys, and gadgets, but we never had. All we had were books donated from our elder cousins. Even now as I mature, part of me never forgets the compromises we had to make. Of course, if I were brutally honest, I would have wanted more, as I’m sure most people will. But looking back on how I grew up not having much to brag about, I learned that to appreciate some things in life we have to be put in situations where opportunities were scarce, and offers were limited.

Throughout the years, we have had our ups and downs, but somehow, we never ran out of money. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but I am fortunate enough that it is just this way. We had money for laptops, televisions, travelling, and furniture when the time came. Having 3 students in a family essentially means that the 4k they earned a month went into supporting us as well. Just how this money came about I am extremely bewildered. Come to think of it, I’ve never questioned about it. Perhaps it’s my apathy, or my general indifference for matters regarding finances, but it has never crossed my mind to ask about it.

There was once I told daniel that I’d rather not have a carefree life of substantial financial freedom, because I wanted a life where I have to make financial plans. Do you know what it feels like to plan an overseas trip on a very strict budget? Do you know what it feels like to make a long-term saving plan for your house and car, and realise that it cannot be achieved in the near future? If you don’t, then you have indeed been very fortunate. I’m not saying that I want to have just enough all my life, because I know for sure that’s what my parents would go against in their greatest might. They have not invested in my education for me to live with just enough. What I’m saying is that even if I were rich someday, I will never forget that I came from a place of little choices. Financial prudence, or simply thrift, will always follow me no matter what.

I’ve always wanted to be an entrepreneur. What I aspire to be has nothing to do with making tons of money. Instead, it is the epitome of giving back to society for what I’ve taken from them. Unlike the phantom money that made sure I always had enough, I know where all my financial assistance and bursary money came from.

So for everyone else who always had enough like me, know that it’s not wrong to want more – for yourself, for your family, for the ones you love – but remember that one day if you became incredibly successful, always find the heart to make someone’s life a little more than enough. I can swear upon my life that even the slightest help would be the greatest consolation. It goes a long, long way.

CNY Blues 2

A year ago I wrote about having the CNY blues. One year later, my sentiment hasn't changed a bit.


Well, I shouldn't be too quick to judge actually, since it's hasn't even really started yet. But I feel like it's gonna be same old - I'm just happy because it's a holiday. Perhaps I've outgrown the culture and fantasies of CNY, or simply because the festival has been diluted heavily across the years, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore.


I remember the times when the streets were elaborately decorated for the occasion. There was literally no way we could find anywhere to eat if we wanted to, unless we didn't mind overpriced pratas or briyani for a meal. As we were travelling around in my Dad's car, CNY songs were on replay, and we would belt out those yearly tunes in joy. The place everyone had to visit was the festive displays near the Esplanade. It was ridiculous, because we had to squeeze with so many people, and sweat a lot, and walk till our legs were sore, and die of thirst. And when we're done, we'd go back to the car that felt like a steamer due to the sweltering weather.


At night we would eat all the goodies, snuggle up in one small but cosy bedroom in front of the television, in our brand new pyjamas (which we always had to comment on how new it smelled; kinda perverse looking back o.O), and then knock ourselves out with the late night Chinese movies. It was simple, but it was blissful. The thing about CNY is it's never really magical or solemn, but more of a burst of prosperity and happiness. It probably has to do with being Chinese and stuff but yea, it's very cultural. As we grew older, we probably felt that there was no need for over-zealous celebrations and nitty-gritties. We are more practical, sensible people who have lost our grip on the festival. I know it's not a good thing, but it has become more alarmingly prevalent in the younger generation now, this apathy.


I grew up learning that I was the average person who always have enough, but not quite satisfied by that. I'll talk about it in my next post, for now I'm feeling too sleepy to think straight. I think a day might come when I'm too old for late nights.


Here's wishing you a happy CNY!

Lesson Learned

Some values we learn follow us forever, and I'm glad that I had teachers in my life who taught me more than the stuff in textbooks. They are life lessons that I have lived by, and in a very significant manner, altered my perception of the way things work.

In Primary school, I learned that "The government must do what is right for its people, and not what is popular."

In Secondary school, I learned that "A person who thinks he already knows will never learn anything new," and "There are 3 groups of people - the fast, the moderate, and the slow. It does not matter which group we belong to, because the ultimate aim is to get us to the destination when the time comes."

In JC, a question well discussed was "Is the majority always right?". There were arguments on how, although the majority is not always right, it is still a credible indicator of what might be right in the event that all other indicators fail. After all, we are a democratic society. Of course, then, in greyer areas such as homosexuality and education of the Arts, who is to say what is right and what is wrong?

By now you would have figured that I am probably going to talk about the Population White Paper. There has been fierce debate in the parliament, and I must say some politicians argue for the sake of arguing, but I think most of us (yes, the majority) has come to the conclusion that 6.9m people in Singapore is too damn much.

In my honest opinion (for what it's worth), I strongly believe that Singapore needs to slow down, and review where we are now, before we can move on to make game-changing plans and national decisions. Never mind that we didn't have enough foresight to see this. Never mind that we are ferociously debating on what is good and what is not. This is not a time for finger-pointing, not a time to steal the limelight. This is a time for focus, and a time for heavy deliberation. Because as far as I am grateful for all the unpopular but "right" decisions the government has made, such as the ERP system and the CPF, I cannot agree on the need to expand our population for the sake of economic development. It's high time the government trusts its people - the people who voted for them to represent them. Because sometimes what is popular is also right.

The main cause for concern is indubitably overcrowding and foreign competition. For all we know, we are very jaded of the apologies of SMRT, which we have learned in previous years, was a reliable and efficient mode of transport for the masses. It still is, I must admit, but it has made too many blunders in recent times for people to forget what it used to be. We also blame the foreigners in our land for overcrowding. It seems like, to a Singaporean, foreigners are nothing but MRT-hogging, job-stealing, rich-enough-to-spoil-the-economy people out to ruin Singapore and its prosperity. I cannot fathom how myopic these views are. Have we all become provincials?

Times are always hard. It is always the tough people who think more, do more, complain and whine least who survive the longest. Singaporeans need to think about how housing and COE prices are being jacked up. It's a free market, mind you. The prices are determined by demand and supply. As far as I know, it is we who decide that we are willing to fork out that exorbitant 90k for a new car.

Having said that, I do think that our priority is to slow down and review our national decisions, gather feedback, reorganise, and then move on with greater ferocity, efficiency and vigour. It is not a time for tenacity. Your people are shouting but their words are falling on deaf ears. If we wanted economic progress so badly, we would have said so. But we don't; and as the voice and leaders of the people, you need to acknowledge that that's okay, and not be obdurate.

Given a choice, everyone would want to live comfortably. We have no natural resources to speak of, yet we are so high up the GDP per capita rankings. We recognise the government's efforts to put us all the way up there, to fight for high standards of living for Singaporeans, but when will we stop being so competitive? We are the poor kid who had a humble beginning, but worked his way to success through endless toiling, until one day, he is as wealthy as the naturally endowed kid like Qatar, who had tons of inherited wealth. We have become obsessed (pardon me for the strong word) with our wealth and success, never contented, never enough. We want more, more for ourselves, more for our kids, and even more for their kids. But I know, just like the old MRT trains that need a hiatus for complete check-up, Singapore needs a breather for its overworked engines.

As we proceed to greater developments, we need to understand that increasing our population (and reclaiming more land to accommodate people; oh, the blasphemy) is never the solution. We have moved on from labour-intensive to a specialised, skilled workforce. What we need to focus on is training our people to be more efficient, more proficient, and definitely more indispensable. If meritocracy is what we promote, then rightly it should be our push factor. We tell our children at school that they can go at their own pace, but the next thing we do is throw them out into society and expect them to produce results. Some of us can handle it, and some of us can't. "It does not matter which group we belong to, because the ultimate aim is to get us to the destination when the time comes."

It's time to practice what we preach. We advocate self-paced learning, and self-paced progress in our schools. Are we too power-hungry to live by our own mantra? I hope not, because as far as I know, our teachers are doing a pretty darn great job at educating our generation, who will in turn shape Singapore's future.

Yea, and all these coming from a 20 year old kid who hasn't even seen the world yet. Call me naive, call me simplistic, but I firmly believe that regardless how slow we go, we will get there someday.

Swept

There are times when you are so certain about things, you would have thought nothing in the world can change your mind. Then suddenly, someone so much as shakes your indestructible faith, and it feels like your whole world is crumbling, rendering you vulnerable and making you hate yourself for it.

Some people have the power to persuade, to convince, to open you up and make you think twice about something you thought needed no argument. Maybe it's their persistence, or maybe it's your fickleness, but we all know deep down that it is a portion of yourself that you intentionally hid, either too ashamed or resistant to explore. You will always meet people who will urge you to accept their beliefs, regardless religion, way of life, outlook, or simply the admiration of someone, like a singer or an actor. In a furious desire to curb your hate for Justin Bieber, you might sometimes find yourself inadvertently tapping to the catchy tune of "Baby", and you instantly hate yourself for that. You think you hate fried food, because they are too damn oily and unhealthy, until you tasted the bliss of doughnuts, and you feel like you have sinned.

How do you make me feel this way? I never thought I would rediscover or explore this part of me that I have conveniently shut out. I thought I was done, and I thought I was over it. But a wave of emotions surged in me once again when I read those things, thinking of what could've been, and why it shouldn't have been. I thought about how I was ever gonna face it; to feel and experience someone in my heart forever but never physically by my side. And then I realised - it didn't hurt. There was nothing. I carried on with what I was doing. I lived my life as if it were an awkward TV episode where the producers overdid the plot and made it awry. It's not that I didn't care, but that I couldn't care, and will never be able to care. It's been so long, that my vision of a future has fogged up and become overcast with dark clouds.

There are times when you are so certain about things, you would have thought nothing in the world can change your mind. Then suddenly, you realise that you have been right all the while, and that matters of the heart are better left untouched.