Halfway out

I not only want more for myself, but I want more for you, too. When you told me about how this was something that you'd expected, I can't help but feel sorry for you. I wished you were more different, but I guess now I just want you to stay true as who you are, because I think I'm loving the real you.

There are things that are never meant to be, no matter how hard you try. I'm not gonna feel sorry for not making someone else happier than he/she is now, because that's not my job. My job is to make myself feel happy. If you are my friend, you would feel the same way too; so friends are always happy together no matter what.

We are drifting apart yet another time. I hate this feeling of uncertainty and wild guesses. But this is not yet the worse. Assumption is the killer. It is uncertainty and wild guesses manifested into solid thoughts and musings that will threaten to undermine even the strongest of foundations.

I may have refused to admit previously, but deep down I know that I'm selfish. There are too many times when I decide to do things my own way without sparing a thought for others, regardless family, friends, colleagues or mere strangers. Sometimes I tell myself to let it go, but sometimes I just feel like pushing my luck, transcending my limits, outdo my boundaries. It's never nice to work around someone so ambitious. Life will be tough. I don't really like myself like that either, but I strongly believe that this is the only way things can be done.

"Try to find joy in this," I'd told myself. Funny thing is, I already have.

Behind those masks

Why, when I talk to you, you refuse to listen to me? Why, even when you witness it for yourself, you choose not to believe your eyes? Is it so hard to admit something is wrong or, for that matter, that you're wrong? I know you're not blind, but you choose to be; and it's fine by me.

I promised not to give up, so I won't. I will honour that promise till the very last day. But I will give up on those who don't want to save themselves. I shouldn't be soft. You shouldn't make me a caricature of yourself. I wouldn't let you, anyway.

But I feel so cold inside.

Fighter

This is a lonely Friday night spent doing duty / work in the office, with nobody to disturb me or tell me that I'm crazy. Yes, you may imagine the sad and emo song playing in the background, while I'm sitting here typing away. Alone.

If you ask me, I'm actually not afraid to admit that I like my job. After all, if this is mandatory, I don't want to spend the time hating the things I do, or feel cheated into this entire episode. I mentioned to harvard that even though I shouldn't be liking what I'm doing, I take pride in what I do, that hating my job is just not my style.

Scrolling through my mailbox from the end of December last year, I am reminded of so many unhappy moments. Truth be told, I felt extremely depressed at a certain point in time when I was here last December. I remember having to do so many things, and answer for even more, to the extent that I sometimes had to answer for the mistakes of others, or be questioned relentlessly on my own proficiencies. It felt awful, knowing that there were so many gross errors that made me feel so much like a loser. And maybe I was.

I always tell myself: Nobody needs to know how hard you work, or how diligent and efficient you can be. I've done so many things, and none for the sake of credit or glory; because when you truly take pride in the stuff you do, there's nothing else more important that seeing it come to fruition. That is the promise I made to myself.

Everyone should strive to be like my Nokia phone. In this week alone, I've dropped it more than 10 times. Hard. But still, despite all the unintentional abuse, it never seems to falter, or fail me in it's most basic functions. It comes back battered but still fighting; fighting to provide its user what's expected of it. I wish we could all be like that. Even if sometimes when what doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger, but weaker instead, I hope we can all know that mentally we've all grown stronger and tougher and more resilient than the last time, albeit physical lethargy. I know I've grown. But looking at the mails I went through yesterday, I am also proud to announce that even though some of us are still stuck at square one, a few of us actually made marked improvements to become who we are now - robust and still fighting, never giving in to the things that threaten to daunt us everyday.

I feel like a fighter.

And the day when I leave I will still remember this day. It's not a spectacularly eventful day, or a memorable one for that matter, but it's the day I bore testament to the hard work and effort everyone else have been putting in for the past many months to make this place a better place, and my life an easier one. For that I'm immensely grateful. And I will always be.

Unlimited

Unlimited by Pieke Bergmans (r)

I wonder when I’ll stop blogging, or when I’ll stop running, or when I’ll stop drinking, or when I’ll stop sleeping late, or when I’ll start seeing someone again.

It’s getting tiring, knowing that so many things are beyond control. I’ve seen the biggest of changes, and I’ve seen the most fickle of minds. I always tell my friends that I see things that other people can't - not in that sense - I see through people, like read their minds or somehow "see" their thoughts. Creepy eh? But do I really see everything? I don't deny that I sometimes miss certain signals and hints. 

And I guess it really is kind of a blessing to not see everything that's happening around you. When you see too many things you tend to wanna take control or feel included - or maybe that's just me. I've been very careful, actually, to not get myself involved in every small little detail and unnecessary trouble. But what truly keeps me at the line is my own abilities. Yea, I'm limited.

I feel like I have less and less sensible thoughts but more and more meaningless and frivolous ideas in my mind nowadays. I even find it kinda amazing how I'm still able to write this even though there's really nothing going through my mind now except how I need to start sleeping early and taking care of my skin and improve my singing voice and all the whatnot. In fact, it feels like I've lost interest in anything and everything.


I'm starting to see everyone around me as who they truly are, and I think that's a great improvement and achievement for me, because of the way I used to see people. I won't say I'm an excellent judge of character, but I'll say I'm pretty decent in, erm, "categorising" people. I never believed in first impression; everything is a facade until the true self of a person is revealed, and for that we all need to know them a little more than their facial features and actions.


If I "couldn't care less", you "couldn't get more". Because no one is unlimited.

Fair enough?

The world is hardly fair. There are things that you want, but know you'll never get. Don't even try convincing me with the sort of bullshit like "You didn't try hard enough!" or "You don't want it badly enough!" or even "You know, someday you'll finally get it. All you have to do is persevere." Seriously, you need to wake up your idea if you're thinking that. Why not you look into the mirror and say someday you're gonna be as rich and successful and good-looking as Brad Pitt, then realise how silly you sound. You're welcome.

So when sometimes the world is not fair, we turn around and blame ourselves. We blame ourselves for being inadequate. We blame ourselves for being unable to complete certain things, even when we know it's not our fault. We blame ourselves for not being able to live up to "social standards", which is really very subjective. But that's not fair either. We don't have to blame ourselves for things that are not in our control. We don't need to feel bad just because we didn't donate to the poor souls who have suffered in the Sichuan or Haiti earthquake. The key to this is knowing that you have limits too. Never put yourself to think that people yearn for your help and solely your help. In essence, don't feel guilty for the things that you couldn't have done.

Then we realise that the world is never fair, and neither is blaming ourselves for the things that are beyond our control; so we blame the world. That is when we fall into a vicious cycle of finger-pointing, bitter arguments, jealousy, and unwarranted angst. Of course, when we blame the world, we don't literally blame the world. We blame those people living in this world that are seemingly better off than us - and that's perfectly fine, as long as it doesn't go way overboard to the extent that you hate your life and feel so miserable that there is a person better than you and stuff of that sort. In fact, a little jealousy is good. It motivates and encourages people to strive for greater achievements.

Sometimes I feel like I really have to talk to people to offload some mind-boggling issues. When I feel like this now, I want to take a break. But the people I can talk to won't understand, and the people who really need to understand - I can't talk to.

Lemon... Juice

Sometimes certain things in life seem to just go way out-of-course and berserk, and everything seems to be going the wrong way. Well, it seems; because sometimes these things happen in such a magical way that only you have the special ability to see it in that particular manner. You think: "Shit, this isn't going right!". Oh, but it is; it's playing tricks with your mind. Now close your eyes and tell yourself this.

Congratulations, you have successfully convinced yourself that this is indeed a wonderful day instead of one that would have otherwise been described as "fucked-up".

I'm kidding.

For the second time, this happened to me. In a miraculous twist of events, things that were in my favour just unfortunately spun out of my control to a state so devastating and heart-wrenching. Why then, do I not feel like the world has given me one tight slap across my face? Because I don't want to. I don't want to think like this. I can't really stop myself from thinking like this but I'm trying very very hard. I am, believe me. It's tough to know all that was supposed to be well is suddenly crumbling down on you with no preamble or warning, like an avalanche swept into motion by the sheer gust of wind. And I'm gonna stop right now because if I go any further than this I can't promise myself that I won't start crying out loud.

I screwed up my own plans. It's only right that others don't have to suffer with me. And to be honest, my presence wouldn't have made a difference. That's what happens when square pegs are jammed into round holes.

I am an idiot.

Erased

I wonder where all the lost hopes and dreams of people in the world go to. Is there a gigantic container that contains all these discarded ambitions that never came to fruition? Is this container at the saddest place on earth, or some unexplored cave in an undiscovered part of the world? Or is it somewhere out of this world already, way up high or deep down low, hidden from the beautiful world so as not to demoralise the hopeful masses?

It's the start of a new month, and probably a less than epic conclusion to a horrible one. The month of May has been unnervingly disastrous for me. The month has been arduously long and dramatic that I will never expect myself to want to live it ever again.

I closed my eyes for awhile and imagined what the month has brought upon me. And alas, I see jealousy, disappointment, resentment, unhappiness, wilfulness, disobedience, irresponsibility, blaming and finger-pointing, miscommunications, cowardice, and action-packed ridicules. So many emotions were evoked in such a short time. I can't deny that the month has also brought about some happiness and relaxation, but they have been so ephemeral that it almost seems too hard to negate the mass of the undesirable feelings. I have never believed in the magnitude of atrocities in this world. A disappointment is a disappointment, and wilfulness is wilfulness; there is no slight cowardice or minor miscommunication, because it just does not happen this way. Undesirables would never have a magnitude - in any amount it would make one unhappy. When I feel unhappy I won't insist I feel less unhappy or not-that-happy.

I've tried and failed many times. In my life, I've learned that if things don't go your way, you have to let it go, or the only 2 ways it will eventually go are 1) You hurt too many people on the way due to your insistence; a price too great to justify your intentions, or 2) You'll never learn to listen, and you'll never discover the talents and brilliance others have to offer. Because in life, no matter how much you choose to ignore this fact of life: The world does not revolve around you - it always comes back to haunt you. Maybe it's just me, or a part of me that is so reluctant to let go or pretend that certain things did not happen. I hate myself for that. I believe in poetic justice. I want to believe that poetic justice exists. But sometimes it doesn't. And therefore it doesn't.

It's undeniably the most difficult to let go of the things that make everyone feel unfairly treated or double-standardised, especially when the people who cry because of these things are people who believe in justice. Please hold my hand tight, and tell me that everything's gonna be okay, even if someone decides to be less than expected. Teach me how to let go, how to live a lie, and how to close an eye. Because I can't do it alone.

Episode by episode my story unfolds, to the extent that I can almost be read like a book. I am utterly jealous because you have what I yearn for. It isn't a great deal, but it's a big enough deal to make me feel undone. I remember just before I went for my course, I told myself that I wanna do well for it. Some part of me determined that I should top it. And that's something special about me - sometimes I feel that I can channel all my focus and drive into one single aim and execute it with such vigour and determination that I can be certain that I will succeed; like how I promised to score full marks for my Math test in my Primary School streaming exam, which I did (and that was the only time the miracle of a full marks ever happened to me btw), like how I decided that I wanted to score 2 points for my 'O' Levels, which I did, and like how I wanted so badly to prove my worth to you. But in the end, it's me that you don't trust. It's me that has been a disappointment in your eyes. It's me that's less than adequate. It's me that underperformed. It's me that screwed it up. I'm not clamouring for attention - don't get me wrong. I never wanted to claim credit or fame for what I do. I just take so much pride in what I do that it hurts me to know you disapprove. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Because I have been a fool for too long. I've been a fool too long to not realise that I've always been the substitute. But I won't complain, because life has been fair to me. I get my fair share too, and hence there's really nothing much to complain about. After all, our paths will probably never cross again.

You can let go of my hand now.  

I want to believe that poetic justice exists. But sometimes it doesn't. And therefore it doesn't.

This thought has been locked into my head. I have truly let it go.