I lost my cool again today. For the first time I managed to channel my anger to a single particular person whom I can sadly say is beyond any further persuasion or reasoning with. I was angry not because someone else was giving me problems. I was angry because he doesn't see this as a problem. He doesn't see that lying blatantly without any logical sense for justification is... well, just revealing. It tells me so much.
I'm supposed to be happy, because I just passed my BTT marginally to gain my ticket to the circuit yesterday. But I'm not feeling it. I mean, I did feel happy, albeit momentarily after the test when I found out I've passed. Now that I think back, it was actually quite a fluke. On top of that, I received a call from SMU for an interview next week. So yea, I should be happy.
Something has been on my mind the entire week, but I've only found the courage to take the first step tonight. Maybe I was scared, or maybe I'm just adamant. Right now, what I fear will happen has happened. I'm not desparate, but I at least deserve an answer. With or without, life still goes on. Give me a chance to say my piece and I will leave you alone. I know this has never been any decent sort of relationship, so I never even dreamed of it coming to fruition or anything. Believe me, I would want to make things clear, minimally. As if that wasn't already my intention all along.
The only thing that's keeping me sane now is the music in my ears. The world is in such a whirl I can't stop myself from losing my grip. Tell me, something purposeful I could do. Or better, show me.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Rat in the Cage
This week is such a torture.
I don’t know what you think of me, but I feel like a hamster running on the wheel inside this iron cage of lies and deceit. To think that you would believe me would be too naive. You stepped on my sandcastle when I was a few seashells away from an empire. I told you so. Maybe you thought I was lying; but please, don’t throw this away.
To be honest, this decision made known to me through your mouth came across as quite a shock to me. Either this person put on a bloody good act in front of you, or you're genuinely blind to his misdeeds. In any sense, I wouldn't have considered him in that manner - not today, not tomorrow, not forever. Well, at least not while I'm here. But then again, who am I to say this and dictate your actions?
Just today, I discovered a new ability of mine - to suppress an immense amount of anger, frustration, disappointment, and tiredness altogether. I swear, the intentions of scolding someone, fucking someone's Friday up, clenching and tearing, making unreasonable demands, rage quitting, all occurred to me in one afternoon. I was so close to tipping my limit, but I reigned myself back from the abyss of despair and decided that I do not want to do this. No, I'm not doing it; not because I don't have a reason to - trust me, I'm ready to tear down all your lies and misgivings. I'm not doing it because... the greater part of me believes, or, more accurately, has already succumbed to the fact that there is no more salvation to be done, and hence any effort to correct your attitude wouldn't really be a very efficient use of my time and energy. All I can hope is the 2 of them I fought so hard a battle for, will live up to my expectations and do me some justice. No not for me. For you.
And this brings me to my next point. Power, when fallen into the wrong hands, may become all too devastating. If I still have any credibility left, I DENY. I DENY AND VETO this decision. Sorry, I mean, if you do ask me I'll say no. What will happen when the governor of laws and legislation is himself a rampant offender? What does law and order mean then? Is it meant to be flouted? Can I just close one eye; two eyes, in fact? Sure I can. But does that appease or convince the masses? Will YOU, with all your wrongdoings, be able to make them believe that you were selected based on merit and not by experience? Experience can go fuck itself. This "recognition of abilities through length of service" thing has already been proven to be the worse form of any sort of recognition. Some people can sit around for ages and still not know what is going on. Good luck trying to convince me otherwise. You and I both know it's true. Maybe you can tell me it's too early to judge now, or you may say I'm being biased, but you can't erase the fact that he has done wrong, and that is already the first step to condemnation.
If I am tasked to combat crisis every two days then I might as well quit my job, because either you or I have failed terribly at what we do. Thankfully, rage quit is not an option, nor is it under my consideration. And someday, I hope you find a fit successor to manage this part for you. I close my case.
I don’t know what you think of me, but I feel like a hamster running on the wheel inside this iron cage of lies and deceit. To think that you would believe me would be too naive. You stepped on my sandcastle when I was a few seashells away from an empire. I told you so. Maybe you thought I was lying; but please, don’t throw this away.
To be honest, this decision made known to me through your mouth came across as quite a shock to me. Either this person put on a bloody good act in front of you, or you're genuinely blind to his misdeeds. In any sense, I wouldn't have considered him in that manner - not today, not tomorrow, not forever. Well, at least not while I'm here. But then again, who am I to say this and dictate your actions?
Just today, I discovered a new ability of mine - to suppress an immense amount of anger, frustration, disappointment, and tiredness altogether. I swear, the intentions of scolding someone, fucking someone's Friday up, clenching and tearing, making unreasonable demands, rage quitting, all occurred to me in one afternoon. I was so close to tipping my limit, but I reigned myself back from the abyss of despair and decided that I do not want to do this. No, I'm not doing it; not because I don't have a reason to - trust me, I'm ready to tear down all your lies and misgivings. I'm not doing it because... the greater part of me believes, or, more accurately, has already succumbed to the fact that there is no more salvation to be done, and hence any effort to correct your attitude wouldn't really be a very efficient use of my time and energy. All I can hope is the 2 of them I fought so hard a battle for, will live up to my expectations and do me some justice. No not for me. For you.
And this brings me to my next point. Power, when fallen into the wrong hands, may become all too devastating. If I still have any credibility left, I DENY. I DENY AND VETO this decision. Sorry, I mean, if you do ask me I'll say no. What will happen when the governor of laws and legislation is himself a rampant offender? What does law and order mean then? Is it meant to be flouted? Can I just close one eye; two eyes, in fact? Sure I can. But does that appease or convince the masses? Will YOU, with all your wrongdoings, be able to make them believe that you were selected based on merit and not by experience? Experience can go fuck itself. This "recognition of abilities through length of service" thing has already been proven to be the worse form of any sort of recognition. Some people can sit around for ages and still not know what is going on. Good luck trying to convince me otherwise. You and I both know it's true. Maybe you can tell me it's too early to judge now, or you may say I'm being biased, but you can't erase the fact that he has done wrong, and that is already the first step to condemnation.
If I am tasked to combat crisis every two days then I might as well quit my job, because either you or I have failed terribly at what we do. Thankfully, rage quit is not an option, nor is it under my consideration. And someday, I hope you find a fit successor to manage this part for you. I close my case.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Ramblings
And when someone tells me I'll never know how they feel, or if there's no use explaining, or that I haven't really tried standing in their position before, I wish I could tell them how I am so willing to share that load, that burden, that pain-in-the-ass issue that's clogging up every artery in their bodies till they feel like exploding - if only they would bother.
I realise that even the strongest of people, or the happiest, are not immune to loneliness, sadness, pain, and even helplessness. Too often I tend to overlook that most people in our society are simply looking for something to be happy about, even if it's short-lived. Well, if I wanted to be happy, I'd probably look into the places I've never ventured before. Because if you've never found a long-lasting happiness before, you haven't found hard enough. It also goes to show that if something in the past did not make you happy, it's time to move on.
A few days back as I was travelling on the train back home, a wild and random thought struck me while I was observing how a couple behaved on the train. (Alright, it wasn't intentional. They were PDA-ing.) Here's what I thought: The ONLY reason (unless you can find a better one to convince me otherwise) that girls go for the players or jerks, is because even though they know they'll get hurt, they wanna give it a shot - a shot at changing the guy, changing his philandering ways and make him devoted. In this sense, they would have succeeded in turning around the guy who people believed no one could tame. And what does that bring, you might wonder. The answer is triumph.
I don't want to think about anything now because my mind is so empty and whatever I have just rambled up there is nothing more than what is currently flowing out of my fingertips to the keyboard. My thoughts are no longer crisp or vivid.
Some time in my life I will write a book. A fiction, that is. I know too much drama in other people's lives that making this up won't be difficult at all. And then it's all up to me to pretend that I wasn't talking about you.
I realise that even the strongest of people, or the happiest, are not immune to loneliness, sadness, pain, and even helplessness. Too often I tend to overlook that most people in our society are simply looking for something to be happy about, even if it's short-lived. Well, if I wanted to be happy, I'd probably look into the places I've never ventured before. Because if you've never found a long-lasting happiness before, you haven't found hard enough. It also goes to show that if something in the past did not make you happy, it's time to move on.
A few days back as I was travelling on the train back home, a wild and random thought struck me while I was observing how a couple behaved on the train. (Alright, it wasn't intentional. They were PDA-ing.) Here's what I thought: The ONLY reason (unless you can find a better one to convince me otherwise) that girls go for the players or jerks, is because even though they know they'll get hurt, they wanna give it a shot - a shot at changing the guy, changing his philandering ways and make him devoted. In this sense, they would have succeeded in turning around the guy who people believed no one could tame. And what does that bring, you might wonder. The answer is triumph.
I don't want to think about anything now because my mind is so empty and whatever I have just rambled up there is nothing more than what is currently flowing out of my fingertips to the keyboard. My thoughts are no longer crisp or vivid.
Some time in my life I will write a book. A fiction, that is. I know too much drama in other people's lives that making this up won't be difficult at all. And then it's all up to me to pretend that I wasn't talking about you.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Help me, please.
And today I genuinely understand why 'kiasu' Singaporean parents insist on sending their children for multiple courses, participate in multiple competitions, clamour to squeeze their children into "good schools", and make them go for oh-so-many tuition.
Once again I'm cornered. I'm battered and torn and I feel incredibly helpless. As I fill up my scholarship application form with things that don't even matter, I can't help but feel like a failure. It's immensely frustrating to know that you're always competing with people out there who have way spectacular accolades than you do. And when I mean way spectacular, I mean WAYYYYY spectacular. And I have nothing. Nothing that catches the eye for more than 20 seconds - I might even have overrated this. All my life I have tried to convince myself that "Hey, they don't just look at your grades and CCA," but I am slowly inclined to believe that the converse is true. It's like receiving a great big reality smack across the face.
I am reminded of the time I was at kenn's house. Glancing down the awards cabinet I could easily spot the firsts and golds and champions and bests. Why then, did I not feel as defeated as I now feel? Could it be because I haven't seen the full-fledged abilities and the life-and-death necessity of those goddamn trophies? I swear, and anyone would agree, with kenn's results and awards and CCA achievements and CIP commitments he could go anywhere. Really, if he tried. Am I jealous, or am I just plain desparate, or do I genuinely want more, believing that I could have done it? I am confused right now. In fact I'm so confused I can't stop telling myself that this scholarship application is going to be nothing more than a big fat flop. Rejected without reason - although we all know the underlying, brutal, unspoken reason is simply because I'm just not good enough.
Now that I know how badly I want this, I feel so helpless, wanting to turn back time to undo all my wasted youth and uneventful school days, and instead colour them with magical crayons that never fail to impress the schools, society, and headhunters.
If only I could.
Once again I'm cornered. I'm battered and torn and I feel incredibly helpless. As I fill up my scholarship application form with things that don't even matter, I can't help but feel like a failure. It's immensely frustrating to know that you're always competing with people out there who have way spectacular accolades than you do. And when I mean way spectacular, I mean WAYYYYY spectacular. And I have nothing. Nothing that catches the eye for more than 20 seconds - I might even have overrated this. All my life I have tried to convince myself that "Hey, they don't just look at your grades and CCA," but I am slowly inclined to believe that the converse is true. It's like receiving a great big reality smack across the face.
I am reminded of the time I was at kenn's house. Glancing down the awards cabinet I could easily spot the firsts and golds and champions and bests. Why then, did I not feel as defeated as I now feel? Could it be because I haven't seen the full-fledged abilities and the life-and-death necessity of those goddamn trophies? I swear, and anyone would agree, with kenn's results and awards and CCA achievements and CIP commitments he could go anywhere. Really, if he tried. Am I jealous, or am I just plain desparate, or do I genuinely want more, believing that I could have done it? I am confused right now. In fact I'm so confused I can't stop telling myself that this scholarship application is going to be nothing more than a big fat flop. Rejected without reason - although we all know the underlying, brutal, unspoken reason is simply because I'm just not good enough.
Now that I know how badly I want this, I feel so helpless, wanting to turn back time to undo all my wasted youth and uneventful school days, and instead colour them with magical crayons that never fail to impress the schools, society, and headhunters.
If only I could.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Revisited
Well this is probably the first time I'm doing this in camp. I just thought I should drop by I don't know why.
Uneventful weekend duty breeds boredom. Lately I've only been writing in the weekends. It's not like I don't have the time to do it on a weekday - it's probably just me being lazy with a hint of dampened enthusiasm. Whatever it is, I certainly hope it's temporary.
This week has been generally... different. Haha my normal week doesn't comprise of 2 duties and one leave. This week is different. Special different. Somehow my leave always ends up being strategically planned, without the initial intention to, or any inkling of the surprising benefits that it brings. Is this some sort of sorcery? 'Cos if it was, I'm good. Ha!
Just 2 days ago on Thursday, I took a day off to book for biking with zhai, which, after that, realised that there was no real need to... Oh well. As I was mentioning, my leave day was also, coincidentally, the first day of the Comex / IT show. I swear, I didn't plan it that way. But yea, bonus! So I headed down to Suntec with zhai. Well I had the intention to get a laptop, but zhai was there probably just to... I don't know... get a printer? Haha! Well I did scout a few I wanted to get, but then I was convinced by cheongyew that getting one closer to my Uni days would probably be a wiser choice.
And on this fateful day, I am reminded again the role of myself in friendships. For too long I have been the supporting role, trying so hard, leaving myself to fate while actively manipulating that of others. It brought me 4 years back - so vivid, and a little painful in fact. Ready or not, I'll never know; because to be honest, I've never really tried after that. I would be lying to myself if I said I did. It's not easy but I'll try. I don't know what got into me that day, but zhai you're one lucky guy because I probably wasn't in a sound mind to do that sort of thing for you... Well I thought so.
Maybe I'm slowly letting you become a part of memory, a part less controlling and manipulative.
Uneventful weekend duty breeds boredom. Lately I've only been writing in the weekends. It's not like I don't have the time to do it on a weekday - it's probably just me being lazy with a hint of dampened enthusiasm. Whatever it is, I certainly hope it's temporary.
This week has been generally... different. Haha my normal week doesn't comprise of 2 duties and one leave. This week is different. Special different. Somehow my leave always ends up being strategically planned, without the initial intention to, or any inkling of the surprising benefits that it brings. Is this some sort of sorcery? 'Cos if it was, I'm good. Ha!
Just 2 days ago on Thursday, I took a day off to book for biking with zhai, which, after that, realised that there was no real need to... Oh well. As I was mentioning, my leave day was also, coincidentally, the first day of the Comex / IT show. I swear, I didn't plan it that way. But yea, bonus! So I headed down to Suntec with zhai. Well I had the intention to get a laptop, but zhai was there probably just to... I don't know... get a printer? Haha! Well I did scout a few I wanted to get, but then I was convinced by cheongyew that getting one closer to my Uni days would probably be a wiser choice.
And on this fateful day, I am reminded again the role of myself in friendships. For too long I have been the supporting role, trying so hard, leaving myself to fate while actively manipulating that of others. It brought me 4 years back - so vivid, and a little painful in fact. Ready or not, I'll never know; because to be honest, I've never really tried after that. I would be lying to myself if I said I did. It's not easy but I'll try. I don't know what got into me that day, but zhai you're one lucky guy because I probably wasn't in a sound mind to do that sort of thing for you... Well I thought so.
Maybe I'm slowly letting you become a part of memory, a part less controlling and manipulative.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Get It Right
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
How many times will it take to get it right?
As succinct as the lyrics of this original Glee song puts it, I seem to be feeling a little below expectations lately. It was never my intention to try and create work for everybody, but I still need to put across this message: Doing things the wrong way long enough doesn't mean you're doing it right. In fact, it makes you more narcissistic than you should've been, boasting and advocating the wrong ideas meanwhile. I know it's hard to admit our mistakes sometimes, but we just gotta do it - unless you treasure your pride more than your friends.
I was chatting with clement today on my way home, when I mentioned about how I'm starting to realise that I've been doing it wrongly all this while. I told him that the reason why I've become so busy, and bringing everyone else down with me, is because I've been trying too hard to make things right, to make things straight, to iron out any misconceptions or ambiguities. For too long I've been making my life and others' difficult for the sake of doing things right. So many unwanted problems and so many unresolved issues plague me everyday because I am the one who created them. In simpler sense, I asked for it. So many things have been done so wrongly, but I am starting to be convinced that these mistakes were deliberate. How would I know? Because the errors are so gross they seem to be jabbing a stick at you and mocking at your stupidity to uncover it, given that no one could have missed spotting such a mistake. As I realise why certain things are done in a particular manner, I also come to realise that such practices are the reason why work is most of the time averted.
I admit that sometimes acting blur does allow you to live longer, but at the expense of future generations of people. If everyone were more considerate, perhaps long long ago things would have been done correctly, and ever since. Right now I'm caught between "Don't do extra work lah. So unnecessary," and "Doing things the wrong way long enough doesn't mean you're doing it right," and I'm slightly more inclined to the latter. It's true. You might get away with it in here, but good luck pulling this stunt somewhere else out there in the corporate world.
Tiring this endeavour may seem, arduous this journey may appear to be, treacherous this path may assume, I gotta say it's endless. So what can you do when your good isn't good enough? Try harder, and hope for the best. How many times will it take to get it right? Might be too many, but hang in there x)
How many times will it take to get it right?
As succinct as the lyrics of this original Glee song puts it, I seem to be feeling a little below expectations lately. It was never my intention to try and create work for everybody, but I still need to put across this message: Doing things the wrong way long enough doesn't mean you're doing it right. In fact, it makes you more narcissistic than you should've been, boasting and advocating the wrong ideas meanwhile. I know it's hard to admit our mistakes sometimes, but we just gotta do it - unless you treasure your pride more than your friends.
I was chatting with clement today on my way home, when I mentioned about how I'm starting to realise that I've been doing it wrongly all this while. I told him that the reason why I've become so busy, and bringing everyone else down with me, is because I've been trying too hard to make things right, to make things straight, to iron out any misconceptions or ambiguities. For too long I've been making my life and others' difficult for the sake of doing things right. So many unwanted problems and so many unresolved issues plague me everyday because I am the one who created them. In simpler sense, I asked for it. So many things have been done so wrongly, but I am starting to be convinced that these mistakes were deliberate. How would I know? Because the errors are so gross they seem to be jabbing a stick at you and mocking at your stupidity to uncover it, given that no one could have missed spotting such a mistake. As I realise why certain things are done in a particular manner, I also come to realise that such practices are the reason why work is most of the time averted.
I admit that sometimes acting blur does allow you to live longer, but at the expense of future generations of people. If everyone were more considerate, perhaps long long ago things would have been done correctly, and ever since. Right now I'm caught between "Don't do extra work lah. So unnecessary," and "Doing things the wrong way long enough doesn't mean you're doing it right," and I'm slightly more inclined to the latter. It's true. You might get away with it in here, but good luck pulling this stunt somewhere else out there in the corporate world.
Tiring this endeavour may seem, arduous this journey may appear to be, treacherous this path may assume, I gotta say it's endless. So what can you do when your good isn't good enough? Try harder, and hope for the best. How many times will it take to get it right? Might be too many, but hang in there x)
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