Help me, please.

And today I genuinely understand why 'kiasu' Singaporean parents insist on sending their children for multiple courses, participate in multiple competitions, clamour to squeeze their children into "good schools", and make them go for oh-so-many tuition.

Once again I'm cornered. I'm battered and torn and I feel incredibly helpless. As I fill up my scholarship application form with things that don't even matter, I can't help but feel like a failure. It's immensely frustrating to know that you're always competing with people out there who have way spectacular accolades than you do. And when I mean way spectacular, I mean WAYYYYY spectacular. And I have nothing. Nothing that catches the eye for more than 20 seconds - I might even have overrated this. All my life I have tried to convince myself that "Hey, they don't just look at your grades and CCA," but I am slowly inclined to believe that the converse is true. It's like receiving a great big reality smack across the face.

I am reminded of the time I was at kenn's house. Glancing down the awards cabinet I could easily spot the firsts and golds and champions and bests. Why then, did I not feel as defeated as I now feel? Could it be because I haven't seen the full-fledged abilities and the life-and-death necessity of those goddamn trophies? I swear, and anyone would agree, with kenn's results and awards and CCA achievements and CIP commitments he could go anywhere. Really, if he tried. Am I jealous, or am I just plain desparate, or do I genuinely want more, believing that I could have done it? I am confused right now. In fact I'm so confused I can't stop telling myself that this scholarship application is going to be nothing more than a big fat flop. Rejected without reason - although we all know the underlying, brutal, unspoken reason is simply because I'm just not good enough.

Now that I know how badly I want this, I feel so helpless, wanting to turn back time to undo all my wasted youth and uneventful school days, and instead colour them with magical crayons that never fail to impress the schools, society, and headhunters.

If only I could.