One of the superheroes I aspire to be. As an apprentice I am still trying to discover what are the qualities that make these superheroes who they are.
"Because sometimes truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded."
For so many times I've been told before - "This is adult stuff. You won't understand." Fact is, I really didn't. But now I do. I'm old enough. When people say maturity comes with age, there is more wisdom to that notion than you might imagine. If you look up the dictionary you'd probably find a slipshod definition of the word maturity. It describes maturity as being fully developed. But maturity is more than that; being mature is having the capacity and sensibility to think not just for yourself, but for others as well, and subsequently, exercise your actions in a manner that serves the best interest for the people around you and yourself.
Sometimes being mature is as simple as being selfless, or even simpler, being "unselfish". Sometimes it means burying the hatchet and learning to forgive. Sometimes it means sacrificing yourself. Have you ever thought why, when you were younger, your parents gave in to most of your demands, but intentionally left out some? Think about it. They can't trust you to make the right decisions, so they made it for you. And to answer your peevish complaints, they say "This is adult stuff. You won't understand." And you'd probably think they're being mean.
Batman took all the blame to bask someone else in glory. It's a sacrifice he's decided to make. Do the people of Gotham hate him now? Yes. Do they know his nobility? No. Does he feel that it is an injustice? Yes, probably, but he is also strong and heroic enough to realise that someone has to make the sacrifice, and if that someone has to be him, so be it, because he is strong enough to take it.
I am stronger. I'll reward their faith.
The makings of a superhero. Not easy eh?
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Heartstrings
Day by day, slowly but surely, I'm starting to believe that we can never be together. I used to think that we're similar, but what was similar before is all gone. Like a rock eroded away by the waves that constantly crash on them, I am beginning to develop a hole, an emptiness inside. Everyday you seem to be growing, blooming with happiness and positivity I have never witnessed before, while I am constantly stuck in this quagmire of despair and self-pity. You seem to bring out the good in everything around you, while I can't stop tearing down all the negativity simply because I can't let go. You decided that you want to move on and get over it, while I, trying to be strong and adamant here, finally feels how it is like to feel like you did - trapped in bewilderment and uncertainty and unanswered questions. I thought I could be cool about it, but I can't. Not anymore. I'm finally not afraid to admit that I want you.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Happy 21st, Mr. KK Tang
I am no superman. I am still an apprentice and I haven't mastered the superpower - Immunity - yet. In this weekend, sadly, I've fallen sick. Down with a little flu, a bit too much heat and a weeeeeee bit of fever. On a weekend.
I did, however, manage to attend my dear senior, Kwan Ki's 21st birthday party. It was a relatively big group of important people in his life and I should say, good food, good music, good entertaining performances, and a good host made the party all the more wonderful.
I haven't seen him in a very long while, actually. The last time was probably during the school days, or some time last year I can't remember. The way I remembered him was a smart kid at the class bench, who was always taunted for either being miniature, short, or having a "boyfriend". Haha! But above all these, I remembered him for the times I stayed at the bench to do my homework, and he was there teaching me stuff and talking all sorts of other random nonsense. He was this person whom I could consult when I had troubles with my work. A great, great senior, and if you were ever reading this, thank you, in my most earnest tone, for your help and guidance during my JC days. It is very much appreciated.
To be honest, I never imagined my life to be any sort of melodramatic. I am the average, or less than average, probably, kind of person who knows only this small group of friends. I can imagine now how I would spend my 21st birthday. I was never a fan of crowded parties or elaborate celebrations. For me, I would most likely spend that day with a few close friends, quiet and reserved, and transit into an adult seamlessly. But we'll see. Things may change.
Right now, I wish you a very happy birthday, Mr. Kwan Ki :)
I did, however, manage to attend my dear senior, Kwan Ki's 21st birthday party. It was a relatively big group of important people in his life and I should say, good food, good music, good entertaining performances, and a good host made the party all the more wonderful.
I haven't seen him in a very long while, actually. The last time was probably during the school days, or some time last year I can't remember. The way I remembered him was a smart kid at the class bench, who was always taunted for either being miniature, short, or having a "boyfriend". Haha! But above all these, I remembered him for the times I stayed at the bench to do my homework, and he was there teaching me stuff and talking all sorts of other random nonsense. He was this person whom I could consult when I had troubles with my work. A great, great senior, and if you were ever reading this, thank you, in my most earnest tone, for your help and guidance during my JC days. It is very much appreciated.
To be honest, I never imagined my life to be any sort of melodramatic. I am the average, or less than average, probably, kind of person who knows only this small group of friends. I can imagine now how I would spend my 21st birthday. I was never a fan of crowded parties or elaborate celebrations. For me, I would most likely spend that day with a few close friends, quiet and reserved, and transit into an adult seamlessly. But we'll see. Things may change.
Right now, I wish you a very happy birthday, Mr. Kwan Ki :)
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Give your heart a break
Ohmygod this song just keeps playing and playing and playing in my head. I can't get it out! Something 'bout the lyrics to this song is so meaningful.
Cause you've been hurt before, I can see it in your eyes
You try to smile it away, some things you can't disguise
Don't wanna break your heart, maybe I can ease the ache, the ache
So let me give your heart a break
On this fateful day, 14th February, many couples, lovers alike, celebrate a romantic occasion with their partners. Some prefer to load the day with frills - flowers, chocs, posh dinner, lovey-dovey messages and walks; the list is not exhaustive, while some others simply spent today in the quiet company of each other.
And then we have the group, termed the Forever Alone group, which sadly, consists of people who do not have a Valentine to celebrate with. Damn.
Why are people constantly searching for the right companion? Because there is this staunch belief that everyone has someone in this world. This particular person would be the person whom you would end up spending your life with, no matter blah blah blah I'm not gonna recite the oath here. But yea, that's why we want to find these keys to our locks, and ours to theirs, vice versa.
It doesn't matter, ultimately, whether or not this person is the perfect one for you. Your perfect soul-mate is but a figment of your own imagination. In reality, your partner is far from your perfect standards. And that is the intriguing part - it was never meant to be that way. No matter who he / she is, this person is an individual whom you must accept for who they are. You will never find a key that fits perfectly into your lock, because there is no such key. Always remember that you should never try to make your partner a caricature of your ideal partner. He / She will be the key that will modify himself / herself to fit into your lock, and you are the person to decide who is the right one to unlock it.
And when you see those people in your lives who have found their mutual keys and locks, you feel so very happy for them. The "awww" and "so sweet!" moments just melt your heart away, because although you long for this sort of romance, you haven't found it yet, so the least you could do is feel happy for them. Secretly, you hope that this would happen to you someday.
I won't deny it - I am jealous of them. You mean you're not? Lies. Some call them the "lucky ones", so be it. Your turn and my turn will come haha.
Cause you've been hurt before, I can see it in your eyes
You try to smile it away, some things you can't disguise
Don't wanna break your heart, maybe I can ease the ache, the ache
So let me give your heart a break
On this fateful day, 14th February, many couples, lovers alike, celebrate a romantic occasion with their partners. Some prefer to load the day with frills - flowers, chocs, posh dinner, lovey-dovey messages and walks; the list is not exhaustive, while some others simply spent today in the quiet company of each other.
And then we have the group, termed the Forever Alone group, which sadly, consists of people who do not have a Valentine to celebrate with. Damn.
Why are people constantly searching for the right companion? Because there is this staunch belief that everyone has someone in this world. This particular person would be the person whom you would end up spending your life with, no matter blah blah blah I'm not gonna recite the oath here. But yea, that's why we want to find these keys to our locks, and ours to theirs, vice versa.
It doesn't matter, ultimately, whether or not this person is the perfect one for you. Your perfect soul-mate is but a figment of your own imagination. In reality, your partner is far from your perfect standards. And that is the intriguing part - it was never meant to be that way. No matter who he / she is, this person is an individual whom you must accept for who they are. You will never find a key that fits perfectly into your lock, because there is no such key. Always remember that you should never try to make your partner a caricature of your ideal partner. He / She will be the key that will modify himself / herself to fit into your lock, and you are the person to decide who is the right one to unlock it.
And when you see those people in your lives who have found their mutual keys and locks, you feel so very happy for them. The "awww" and "so sweet!" moments just melt your heart away, because although you long for this sort of romance, you haven't found it yet, so the least you could do is feel happy for them. Secretly, you hope that this would happen to you someday.
I won't deny it - I am jealous of them. You mean you're not? Lies. Some call them the "lucky ones", so be it. Your turn and my turn will come haha.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Hey there, look on the bright side!
Sometimes it is a blessing not to know some things. Inquisition might not always be the best way to learn. The phrase "Curiosity kills the cat" is no more than apt to describe this situation.
From young our parents and teachers have been advocating the paramount importance of knowledge, the process in which it is obtained, and also the thirst for more of it. All this while I had a misconception. Technically, it's more of a good "stereotype". I used to think more is better. But finally, I realise that knowing too much can be a bane as well. The highest level, of course, would be to act blur and live longer. But very soon, many will realise that they are far too narcissistic or self-absorbed that they learn almost nothing from every experience they encounter. A teacher of mine in the past once told me, "One who thinks he already knows, will never learn." How true is that? If you have the impression or mentality that you've got everything figured out, you'll never take in what others have to offer for teaching, because the only hoot you'll give is whether you can pick something wrong with someone's project, acting like Mr. Know-it-all.
Lately it seems like I've been living by the day. Everyday something different pops out and takes me by surprise, and then piles up on my already very outstanding stack of to-dos. So I've decided - I am going to switch to a "one-thing-at-a-time" mode. I can't do so many things at once, and that's a fact I have to accept. It does not make me less capable or anything, but it just goes to show that I'm human, too. I swore I could have broken down in the swirl of chaos and pandemonium yesterday, but all is well and I have a lot of people to thank for that. Well on a positive note, I LOL-ed at the "CHING CHING CHING CHING CHING, SIGN ON" thing haha. And that was probably the saving grace - an informal, relaxed, and joyous occasion genuinely dedicated to the servicemen who are going to transit to civilians. There were no standard protocols, strict arrangements, restrictive decorum and structure, and certainly no rigidity. Yea, you may call it an impromptu mess, but I'd rather wrap it up nicely and look at it from another light - it was a hiccup once in a while that opened our eyes to the people we all are underneath - fun-loving boys stuck in this regimented organisation.
I really appreciate the people who allow me to learn, so, so much. The road is rough, we all know. The scoldings, the punishments, to get berated in public - despite all these, emerging out of it are encouraging words and teachings that are triggered by all these mistakes. So if someone scolds you for the right reasons next time, take it like a man. Like a boss.
Gosh, I sound like I'm going to ORD tomorrow or something like that. Oh well. Every ORD ceremony has this magic. Soon it'll be my turn x)
From young our parents and teachers have been advocating the paramount importance of knowledge, the process in which it is obtained, and also the thirst for more of it. All this while I had a misconception. Technically, it's more of a good "stereotype". I used to think more is better. But finally, I realise that knowing too much can be a bane as well. The highest level, of course, would be to act blur and live longer. But very soon, many will realise that they are far too narcissistic or self-absorbed that they learn almost nothing from every experience they encounter. A teacher of mine in the past once told me, "One who thinks he already knows, will never learn." How true is that? If you have the impression or mentality that you've got everything figured out, you'll never take in what others have to offer for teaching, because the only hoot you'll give is whether you can pick something wrong with someone's project, acting like Mr. Know-it-all.
Lately it seems like I've been living by the day. Everyday something different pops out and takes me by surprise, and then piles up on my already very outstanding stack of to-dos. So I've decided - I am going to switch to a "one-thing-at-a-time" mode. I can't do so many things at once, and that's a fact I have to accept. It does not make me less capable or anything, but it just goes to show that I'm human, too. I swore I could have broken down in the swirl of chaos and pandemonium yesterday, but all is well and I have a lot of people to thank for that. Well on a positive note, I LOL-ed at the "CHING CHING CHING CHING CHING, SIGN ON" thing haha. And that was probably the saving grace - an informal, relaxed, and joyous occasion genuinely dedicated to the servicemen who are going to transit to civilians. There were no standard protocols, strict arrangements, restrictive decorum and structure, and certainly no rigidity. Yea, you may call it an impromptu mess, but I'd rather wrap it up nicely and look at it from another light - it was a hiccup once in a while that opened our eyes to the people we all are underneath - fun-loving boys stuck in this regimented organisation.
I really appreciate the people who allow me to learn, so, so much. The road is rough, we all know. The scoldings, the punishments, to get berated in public - despite all these, emerging out of it are encouraging words and teachings that are triggered by all these mistakes. So if someone scolds you for the right reasons next time, take it like a man. Like a boss.
Gosh, I sound like I'm going to ORD tomorrow or something like that. Oh well. Every ORD ceremony has this magic. Soon it'll be my turn x)
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Draw the curtains
Life gets boring once in a while.
There is a constant need for drama in our lives, because without which, it gets unbearably boring. But exactly how much of drama are we looking for?
Believe me, I have friends who have lived through the most colourful of lives and yet don't feel the least bit satisfied with their lives. Needless to say, there are also people who are, on the contrary, contented with the little spices in life, and hoping that it would stay as uneventful as possible, because anything out of the box would throw them off their feet and hit them with a catapult of kinder surprise.
Honestly, I'm not happy. I don't know why; I can't find a particular reason to attribute this sudden feeling of helplessness to. Is it some form of "down"? Or is it just another case of the nothingness inside creeping to devour the entire me? I know this might sound emo but no, I'm not. It's just this general distaste that has struck me. Stop asking me why - I don't know. I can't figure it out, so please stop asking. I appreciate the concern though. Why not you tell me? Outsider views tend to be more subjective, I guess.
Even in our 2 years here in service some of us are constantly looking for milestones in this span of time to make our countdown a lot more pleasant. Training, 1 year soldier, courses, postings, and etc. fill in the timeline which most of us plotted since the very start of enlistment. I never bothered. After all, what is going to come will come. What more should I expect? :)
There is a constant need for drama in our lives, because without which, it gets unbearably boring. But exactly how much of drama are we looking for?
Believe me, I have friends who have lived through the most colourful of lives and yet don't feel the least bit satisfied with their lives. Needless to say, there are also people who are, on the contrary, contented with the little spices in life, and hoping that it would stay as uneventful as possible, because anything out of the box would throw them off their feet and hit them with a catapult of kinder surprise.
Honestly, I'm not happy. I don't know why; I can't find a particular reason to attribute this sudden feeling of helplessness to. Is it some form of "down"? Or is it just another case of the nothingness inside creeping to devour the entire me? I know this might sound emo but no, I'm not. It's just this general distaste that has struck me. Stop asking me why - I don't know. I can't figure it out, so please stop asking. I appreciate the concern though. Why not you tell me? Outsider views tend to be more subjective, I guess.
Even in our 2 years here in service some of us are constantly looking for milestones in this span of time to make our countdown a lot more pleasant. Training, 1 year soldier, courses, postings, and etc. fill in the timeline which most of us plotted since the very start of enlistment. I never bothered. After all, what is going to come will come. What more should I expect? :)
Saturday, February 4, 2012
It's a BIG BIG world - we're but small small people
How big are we in another person's life? The fact that nobody asks this question doesn't mean no one wants to know the answer to it. Secretly we all want to know how much we mean to another person, be it friend or family.
I always thought I was a good friend. A listening ear, rather. For too long I've been on the listening end, trying to console others or make them feel better, make them hate themselves a little less than they already do, or make them feel like the world is standing behind them no matter what their decision was. I'm not complaining - because this is exactly what friends are for. They are there to support you when the whole world seems to have abandoned you. And trust me, being on this side for so long already, I can safely say that it is not easy. It is not easy to make someone feel better when you yourself are feeling far worse than what the other person with the complaint can imagine. You are a shoulder to cry on, but who would be your shoulder? It becomes a natural thing for others to assume that you are immune, but you are not. Always remember - it is not that they are weak, it is that you're stronger. Your strength is what grants you this special ability, to be the listening ear when others are down, to absorb all of another person's sorrow when you have your own to worry about, to make sure that someone else feels alright before you begin to access your own emotions.
But how much exactly are you worth to another person? Are you a once-in-a-while shoulder to cry on, or are you the regular shoulder that he / she always lean on and seek for no matter happy or sad? And no, it is not defined by the number of times the person stalks you on Facebook. Maybe it is. I don't know, really. Sometimes you just wanna know how often this particular person thinks of you, or desparately hopes that he / she talks to you first when you see him / her online on Fb chat. Secretly we all want to be wanted. Don't pretend that you don't want my attention too, because I know you do.
So to all my friends out there, no matter if we're close or not,
Don't worry, I will always be there for you.
I always thought I was a good friend. A listening ear, rather. For too long I've been on the listening end, trying to console others or make them feel better, make them hate themselves a little less than they already do, or make them feel like the world is standing behind them no matter what their decision was. I'm not complaining - because this is exactly what friends are for. They are there to support you when the whole world seems to have abandoned you. And trust me, being on this side for so long already, I can safely say that it is not easy. It is not easy to make someone feel better when you yourself are feeling far worse than what the other person with the complaint can imagine. You are a shoulder to cry on, but who would be your shoulder? It becomes a natural thing for others to assume that you are immune, but you are not. Always remember - it is not that they are weak, it is that you're stronger. Your strength is what grants you this special ability, to be the listening ear when others are down, to absorb all of another person's sorrow when you have your own to worry about, to make sure that someone else feels alright before you begin to access your own emotions.
But how much exactly are you worth to another person? Are you a once-in-a-while shoulder to cry on, or are you the regular shoulder that he / she always lean on and seek for no matter happy or sad? And no, it is not defined by the number of times the person stalks you on Facebook. Maybe it is. I don't know, really. Sometimes you just wanna know how often this particular person thinks of you, or desparately hopes that he / she talks to you first when you see him / her online on Fb chat. Secretly we all want to be wanted. Don't pretend that you don't want my attention too, because I know you do.
So to all my friends out there, no matter if we're close or not,
Don't worry, I will always be there for you.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Unfair
For what I thought would be a satisfying and carefree hiatus, it turned out to be a dreadful nightmare that haunts the shit out of me. It has only been 2 days. I am summoned after only 2 days.
When I was younger, I remember hearing this word - "unfair" - so many times. Imagine a cute little boy / girl exclaiming at the top of their voice, "Teacher! Unfair! Why he / she get first?" Sounds familiar? And then as life removed, or rather, eroded, all the innocence in you, you come to accept the sad fact that albeit much assurance that life is going to be fair, it is ultimately not. However, I wouldn't lay my finger down and say entirely that it is unfair. It's only a matter of perspective, really. I choose to believe that it's fair. Why? Because I want to believe for all the bad things that happened to me or anyone around me, there is a lot of good awaiting to be served to me on a shiny platter. In short, I'd like to believe that sugar, spice and everything nice (unicorns too) and life's unfairness and injustice cancel out naturally.
We will never have too much time for anything. Life is short, we all know that. As the most recent Glee episode enlightens me, if I was wasting all my time thinking about how to dish out payback for every wrong the world has done me, and spending all my life blaming myself for the mistakes I have made, I would only be standing in my own way, of my own purposeful future. That time could have been better spent on making someone else happy.
I promised myself never to be a quitter again like I was. In the past I would almost always quit at the slightest hint of my own incompetency. But as I grow older, I realise that no one has ever blamed me for taking my small baby steps to learn. No one has ever blamed me for being less than adequate. No one has ever said to me that I was a complete failure. Even if someone ever did intend to, I would have quit long before they tipped their threshold. So this time, I swear I will persevere to see the light at the end of the tunnel, bring up a crumbling castle, rebuild a decadence, and power through all the injustice and unfairness and solitary no matter how bleak it seems. I am not ready to give up and nobody can make me. One day I will thank the me who is writing this down because I have accomplished something meaningful in life.
They say, "Be the change you want to see". Pfft. Seriously, the world changes for one guy? With so much fervour in my heart, I sincerely hope that I will see the change I have been. But then again, I can almost hear the mockery, "Who do you think you are?" If you could be so kind, please show me a sign.
When I was younger, I remember hearing this word - "unfair" - so many times. Imagine a cute little boy / girl exclaiming at the top of their voice, "Teacher! Unfair! Why he / she get first?" Sounds familiar? And then as life removed, or rather, eroded, all the innocence in you, you come to accept the sad fact that albeit much assurance that life is going to be fair, it is ultimately not. However, I wouldn't lay my finger down and say entirely that it is unfair. It's only a matter of perspective, really. I choose to believe that it's fair. Why? Because I want to believe for all the bad things that happened to me or anyone around me, there is a lot of good awaiting to be served to me on a shiny platter. In short, I'd like to believe that sugar, spice and everything nice (unicorns too) and life's unfairness and injustice cancel out naturally.
We will never have too much time for anything. Life is short, we all know that. As the most recent Glee episode enlightens me, if I was wasting all my time thinking about how to dish out payback for every wrong the world has done me, and spending all my life blaming myself for the mistakes I have made, I would only be standing in my own way, of my own purposeful future. That time could have been better spent on making someone else happy.
I promised myself never to be a quitter again like I was. In the past I would almost always quit at the slightest hint of my own incompetency. But as I grow older, I realise that no one has ever blamed me for taking my small baby steps to learn. No one has ever blamed me for being less than adequate. No one has ever said to me that I was a complete failure. Even if someone ever did intend to, I would have quit long before they tipped their threshold. So this time, I swear I will persevere to see the light at the end of the tunnel, bring up a crumbling castle, rebuild a decadence, and power through all the injustice and unfairness and solitary no matter how bleak it seems. I am not ready to give up and nobody can make me. One day I will thank the me who is writing this down because I have accomplished something meaningful in life.
They say, "Be the change you want to see". Pfft. Seriously, the world changes for one guy? With so much fervour in my heart, I sincerely hope that I will see the change I have been. But then again, I can almost hear the mockery, "Who do you think you are?" If you could be so kind, please show me a sign.
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