Lightning Strikes

I feel unnervingly sober at this point of time so I guess I'd better do this before my mind blacks out.

It seems all natural now - the late nights, early mornings, truck loads of coffee. I'm a fan of routines, and I know I've been on one for quite awhile now. I remember weeks ago I stood by my window and stared out into the night sky. In the distance there were flashes of lightning - periodic, intimidatingly flashy lightning. I merely stood there in awe, wondering if the strikes were indeed consistently apart. I started counting the number of seconds between each strike, and after awhile decided that I want to capture it on my phone. I tried to time the lightning but alas, there was no recurrent pattern. I felt slightly disappointed, but was still rooted there for a couple of minutes, thinking if it would last through the night. Part of me wanted those strikes to form a regular pattern, to bear a semblance of certainty.

The thing about me and certainty is the obsession of never having to feel lost or wandering; grip tight like a vice struggling to stay afloat and breathing. I've told myself numerous times to run wild and let go but I think innate barriers like these are the hardest to overcome. Perhaps the toughest thing to do is not the early mornings, the late nights, the solitude, the urge to stay awake, or anything else I thought was impossible. The toughest of all is to see through everything, to push away all the disturbances around, to not worry about anything else other than what I'm focusing on. At the end of the day when I look back, I want to say I emerged victorious, I survived, and I knew what I was doing. And when that day comes, would I still be overly concerned with all the trivial frivolities I thought were hindrances?

Wishes

I remember vividly that last Christmas, all I wanted was to find some meaning in life. I'm utterly grateful that I have found it not too long ago, though it has existed in my life for longer than I can remember. Funny thing is most of us would have wished for the same thing as I did, but nobody really admits it, fearing to be judged for being aimless in life. But I think it's important to find the closest thing to your heart, feel it, and let your heart decide if that is what you want. Once you've made up your mind, never let go of this thing or feeling.

It seems like the perfect weather today. The chilly atmosphere, cold breezes, perpetually ominous skylines and the silence in my room makes it perfect for this occasion. It just seems right to be plugged away in music and moody songs to make myself feel mellow. I wish there were more days like this - times where I just lose myself in songs that made me feel as if I've lived those words, and the mini-concerts I have in my small haven of solitude. It really is a sanctuary. I've been packing and tidying and shifting some stuff here and there to make some amendments to my room's layout, and I'm annoyed at myself for procrastinating this project. Well, if I really wanted to look for an excuse for myself I could say that I'm working...

There were times I thought it unfair and felt begrudged, that I've seen people my age enjoying themselves, having fun, and taking advice to live like this is the last student experience of our lifetimes (it's true). For me, it was never that. It was always work. There was a time when parents could support me because I had a minimalist lifestyle, but it is clearly not that situation now. I sometimes almost feel jealous that my peers can live without worrying about finances. I know now, though, that everything I'm going through will make me a stronger and more resilient person, and I never felt felt sorry for myself ever since.

New Year's Day is just round the corner, and I'd probably do a round up of 2013 events in my life then. I don't know yet if I would deem it a good year, but I guess we'll wait and see.

For this year I wish for my passion to keep burning, and for myself to achieve my long-term goal with laser-beam focus. I want to know that 10 years down the road I'll look back and say "that's where I started".

Merry Christmas everybody.

I Want Crazy

I'm not sure whether this thought comes with age, or maturity, or anything at all, but I think at some point in life we will all find the moment when we feel that we don't wanna be just mediocre any more.

There's been a lot of things going on lately and I pretty much let many things slide because I wanna concentrate on what is important to me at present, and everything else can wait. Right now I need to improve, as a person, and on the things around me. My life now is just early mornings and late nights, but I feel more energised than I did a year ago. Maybe it's because I truly feel like my life is carrying me somewhere, or that there is something in life worth working for, that I find some sort of meaning in all these stuff I do. I was never the outgoing sort of person; awkward, I would say, but it's who I am and sometimes people or events around challenge me in the aspect of spontaneity and I find myself retreating. This is precisely why this space was created - for my thoughts to manifest itself in a way where words can beautifully capture them and for my sensibilities to run wild.

We have been taught, and inculcated, that mediocrity is something that will break us in a society like Singapore's. Right here, competition balloons every day. We are in a relentless pursuit for the ultimate prize of a qualification to put us in the prisons away from creativity and talent. As much as I appreciate what my education has done for me, I can't help but wonder sometimes if such an education has in a way or another, stifled whatever spark I used to have in me. I remember a quote from a month back that goes: "The greatest regret is to be good at something that you dislike doing." It struck me hard, that how orchestrated most of our lives are. It wouldn't be fair to say that we never had a chance; there are, in fact, avenues available for us to explore other talents we might have. And I wouldn't diss anyone who stayed true to their childhood aspirations, regardless to become a successful lawyer or doctor or the other what-not-high-salaried jobs our parents and society tells us is good for us, but I just want to say that if I had another chance to make a choice, I want to be a musician. It definitely sounds ear-piercing to the conventional or typical Singaporean parent who have lived here long enough to know a career like that would never survive here, and that is precisely where the problem lies. We celebrate the things society places value on, but never stop to think that sometimes it isn't what society wants; it's what we want, and the congregation of our desires form the exact backbone of societal standards and expectations. We don't want to be mediocre, but then again, who wants to? It's time we stop injecting our own standards onto other people and expect the norm from them. We are not deviants for wanting different things.

I want to totally immerse myself in this whole new discovery and experience that I have found, and I want to stop behaving like I've always wanted a good degree and a well-paid job. It doesn't mean I'll stop being studious or whatsoever. It just means that I'll do whatever is necessary of me without compromising what I've always dreamed of doing.

I've heard how dreams and reality are in fact just a gossamer apart, and to find that distinction is the key to stepping out to do what you really want to do. So before someone tells me it's too late, I'm gonna make sure I do this right, and do myself justice by pursuing a passion I never lost in my entire life.

Resistance

We can never make a heart willing if it's not already poised to leap. Most times, we are too engrossed in our comfort that we do not fathom the sheer rapidness of everything happening around us; we strive to be the only constant in a world of transience. But we have always been taught to challenge this stagnation, to transcend or to advance beyond a restrictive sphere we surround our hearts with. The mind is the rational voice that wants to extricate our hearts from the walls we build around it. I'm starting to think this resistance of rationality is hurting me.