I Want Crazy

I'm not sure whether this thought comes with age, or maturity, or anything at all, but I think at some point in life we will all find the moment when we feel that we don't wanna be just mediocre any more.

There's been a lot of things going on lately and I pretty much let many things slide because I wanna concentrate on what is important to me at present, and everything else can wait. Right now I need to improve, as a person, and on the things around me. My life now is just early mornings and late nights, but I feel more energised than I did a year ago. Maybe it's because I truly feel like my life is carrying me somewhere, or that there is something in life worth working for, that I find some sort of meaning in all these stuff I do. I was never the outgoing sort of person; awkward, I would say, but it's who I am and sometimes people or events around challenge me in the aspect of spontaneity and I find myself retreating. This is precisely why this space was created - for my thoughts to manifest itself in a way where words can beautifully capture them and for my sensibilities to run wild.

We have been taught, and inculcated, that mediocrity is something that will break us in a society like Singapore's. Right here, competition balloons every day. We are in a relentless pursuit for the ultimate prize of a qualification to put us in the prisons away from creativity and talent. As much as I appreciate what my education has done for me, I can't help but wonder sometimes if such an education has in a way or another, stifled whatever spark I used to have in me. I remember a quote from a month back that goes: "The greatest regret is to be good at something that you dislike doing." It struck me hard, that how orchestrated most of our lives are. It wouldn't be fair to say that we never had a chance; there are, in fact, avenues available for us to explore other talents we might have. And I wouldn't diss anyone who stayed true to their childhood aspirations, regardless to become a successful lawyer or doctor or the other what-not-high-salaried jobs our parents and society tells us is good for us, but I just want to say that if I had another chance to make a choice, I want to be a musician. It definitely sounds ear-piercing to the conventional or typical Singaporean parent who have lived here long enough to know a career like that would never survive here, and that is precisely where the problem lies. We celebrate the things society places value on, but never stop to think that sometimes it isn't what society wants; it's what we want, and the congregation of our desires form the exact backbone of societal standards and expectations. We don't want to be mediocre, but then again, who wants to? It's time we stop injecting our own standards onto other people and expect the norm from them. We are not deviants for wanting different things.

I want to totally immerse myself in this whole new discovery and experience that I have found, and I want to stop behaving like I've always wanted a good degree and a well-paid job. It doesn't mean I'll stop being studious or whatsoever. It just means that I'll do whatever is necessary of me without compromising what I've always dreamed of doing.

I've heard how dreams and reality are in fact just a gossamer apart, and to find that distinction is the key to stepping out to do what you really want to do. So before someone tells me it's too late, I'm gonna make sure I do this right, and do myself justice by pursuing a passion I never lost in my entire life.