Hiding My Heart

So, today marks the last day of lesson for my first year in uni, but I don't want to talk about how time flies or exams are in two weeks time. None of that.

I remember entering school all starry-eyed and excited, as well as having these mixed feelings. Most people would have felt this way too I guess; after all, it's a new journey in life and you wouldn't know exactly what to expect. But as the year goes by, I start to accept the new ways of studying, the new environment, and the new system of scoring. Perhaps it was the nature of short semesters that make fleeting friendships a characteristic of uni. You might or might not have stuck it through with the people you know, but we move on regardless. My first few days reminded me of the same of those in JC. I knew no one, and felt kinda lost. I contemplated changing schools back then, but my wonderful class saved me from that unfathomable consequence. In retrospect, it seemed very much like an impulsive decision - one that presented an escape route, nevertheless. I thought about doing it. But I didn't.

Accepting. Maybe that's what I'm used to. Accept what I'm given. Accept what is expected of me. Accept that I could never be different or more than ordinary. (I could list a few words off my head to describe myself now, but "dull" and "reclusive" are the closest contenders for the top position.) There is no more accepting this time. I'm taking that leap of faith. If I told you what I'm doing you might think I'm insane, but I don't want to pretend any more. I want to stop living in a personality that's not me. It's probably not a good time to think about changing courses so near to examinations but I cannot help but start thinking about how at the end of it, I need to choose a specialisation from six choices but I want none of them. Is it not telling that something must be wrong? I ask myself so many times, because the accepting spirit inculcated in me is screaming in defiance at this blasphemous idea. This time I've muted it.

Is this an escape? But if you're running away with a destination in mind, is that still escaping? To run away is to escape. To run toward - could it be to pursue? I find myself in the same situation as my first days in JC. However, this time round, I know for sure it's not because I want to get away from the unfamiliar to the familiar just to find security. I know it's because I want to be honest with myself and stop over-thinking about all the things that could or might happen, but take the chance at something for once in my life. To do what I want to do. To be selfish. To desire.

I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away.