Nobody likes to admit their flaws. The word "flaws" itself denotes that they are undesirable, and probably not any more pleasant. Everyone has their own flaws but is there really a need to expound them? I'd like to think that these imperfections are innate, and at very best, can be ignored or disregarded by people who are magnanimous enough, but alas, the world judges you not by your successes, but by your failures.
It has always been as such, and there's even a saying that goes along the effect of "do many great deeds and the world will hold you in awe but make one mistake and everything that you've done right goes to naught". And that is precisely why we strive so hard to be perfect, to please, and to exude the best of our personal qualities to the people around us.
Just how long can I keep this up?
I think I'm going dizzy pretending that nothing really affects me now. Pretending to feel numb. I wonder how I'd feel when I thaw and unfreeze my emotions from myself. Will I get a shock, or will I learn to succumb to them? And in this period of time of 2 months or so, I have to lose my mojo, chill out, and start concentrating on the things that matter. I never thought I was the type for studying. I just got lucky, I guess. I'm an extremely slow learner, for the record, and I am not proud of it. I can't say I didn't work hard to achieve what I have today. To those who have more, they may think that it's nothing much; but for those who have less, they yearn for what I have, but they don't know how it pains to have these things. The expectation, the pressure, the time spent. We are all like that right? Wanting more, no matter what. Because there will always be someone better than you, and you strive to be the best. One school of thought encourages this determination and robust character, but the other advocates the search for balance, equality and peace of mind; to be unaffected by the people who judge, attach a score to everything, compete the hell out of each other, and find joy and triumph in ousting each other out of the ring.
Frankly, I envy those who have their lives so thought out. It's like they already see their spots 10 years into the future, living some sort of life, having some sort of happiness, and sharing some sort of joy. Because I don't. I'm so lost right now I don't even know where to begin. "Get into a good school," they said. "Study hard and get good grades," they said. "Go to university and get a degree, and then you can do whatever you want to," they said. How much truth do these advices hold? Have they intentionally omitted the necessary sacrifices involved? Have they blindly made "a well-paying job" the goal of it all? Have they expected that all children would want to earn big bucks, slog their hearts out, and enjoy life some point in time in the future? Do we not want to enjoy life now, right now, in the present, with the people we care about, the people we love, and the people who love us? Oh, no, but we have no time for that. Time does not allow us to let our guard down, because there is no detour to a "good life" other than the socially moulded path of education.
You might think that I am disapproving of our education system, but I'm not. I love how everything is being laid out till we're old enough to think maturely, to act maturely, and to love maturely. It's just, there's so much that will be missed now, for the sake of the things we want in the future, that I am starting to think whether all these sacrifices are justified or worth the risk. Never mind me, because I think too much. And I am thankful that I am able to muse, or have the luxury to do so, in this whirling fantasy and speeding animation that doesn't seem to slow down for anyone.
But I'd wish we could all slow down. Just slow enough for me to catch my breath, and know that I can carry on.
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