Judge me now

And I sink into a lonely mood again.

I haven't been at the best of mood this week, or for the past few weeks, rather. In fact, I've never really been, ever since everything seems to have whirled out of control. I thought I could reign it back somehow but I was wrong. What is this monster I have become?

Everyone wants/likes to be told that they're correct - a certain form of affirmation or recognition. When we're told we're correct it seems like a great motivation to continue, push on, and transcend expectations. Some people will feel exactly this way - to want more for themselves - while others will simply shrug it off as nothing great. Truth is, no matter whether we care or not, there is always a part of us that enjoys compliments from others.

It hurts to be judged.

You know moments in life when you just feel like screaming out loud and exclaiming "I didn't sign up for this shit!"? Yea, I'm having one of those now. You can't imagine how difficult it is to live by the day, and wait for problems to occur and then scramble and extinguish the fire. I don't like this feeling. I hate it. It makes me feel like everything is out of place, or somehow, something is bound to go wrong. What, am I supposed to just carry on with it and cross my fingers and pray that everything goes well? It shouldn't be that way.

I admit that I need systems. I like to read my book leisurely over a cup of coffee, I like to take a relaxed stroll in town, I wake up 5.30am or even earlier on working days just so I can catch an early train and not squeeze with a mosh pit of commuters. In short, I like to make time for everything, and I like to make sure I can do anything without rushing. Of course, this would never be ideal in our society. Let's be honest - everything in this city is a goddamn rush. Rush here rush there, finish this finish that. It's so hectic, yet so natural, that I'm starting to wonder if we actually yearn for such a frantic life.

Don't get me wrong; despite my preference for systems, I'm not against spontaneity. Being spontaneous is part of being young, doing things for the sake of fun, and sometimes, do first think later, die first revive later. It's precisely such zest and a lack of deliberation that makes us who we are. I'm just not a fan of things that are unplanned. I'd like to think it's a form of time-wasting - planning on the way and thinking only when we get there. If I had the luxury of time, why not? But then again, how often do we have the luxury of time in this bustling city of never-ending activity and incessant propensity for more work (which in turn churns out more money)?

It's time to live my life a little fuller. I have to see the world. I have to stop thinking that I am right. I need to start listening to what people have to say. Strangely I have been doing that all my life but I had never learn how to truly appreciate good advice. Okay, I need you to judge me now.