Oh no

As we inch into the last few minutes of the first day of the year, I'd like to express my gratitude to anyone who has made my 2012 less negative. Because no matter how sucky things can become, I will always be grateful for the things I have and the people who made my life special.

After taking a 2 year hiatus in my education, it's finally back to study in August this year. I have such mixed feelings - part of me wants to begin this phase in life so badly, but the other part is afraid of the new challenges it might bring. I have only started working recently, and it was something I wanted, but I don't know why I'm not happy; at least not as happy as I thought I would be. Is it that I have grown so numb and immune to emotions that I can no longer feel the full expression of them? I hope not, but I fear so. People like me are way too contemplative, and sometimes that means I end up messing up with my own mind that I can't think positive anymore.

I'm sorry if this might sound crude, but I think I'm fucking lost. I have absolutely lost control of my own ship and I honestly think someone needs to wake me up before I go all wasted on failures. I'd drink myself silly if I could, and I would let someone hit me sober. Right now I'm not even sure if this is just a moment of random exasperation or a genuine disgust at myself. That's what happens when I have too much time on my hands.

But I cannot let myself down. It's a new year, and an important one. I'll turn 21 this year, and that means my probation period is over. Everything I do, every move I make, needs to exemplify a certain level of maturity. Yea, I'll probably get tired of people telling me what is right and what is wrong, but at this point in life they just tell me, and I'm expected to figure it out myself. There are no more experiments. "Get your shit together" would be apt.

I told joanne that I think they have outgrown me. I don't fear that, because what my Math teacher once told me, was that regardless of the speed you go at, our destinations are all the same, and we'll all get there eventually. I fear that I may never catch up, and my race becomes a lonely one. That destination is happiness and success.

I've crammed a whole lot of movies within these few days. I thoroughly enjoyed it. You see, that is the thing. We want so much time to do so many things, things that we love, things that require no effort at all, things that please us. But it's just not practical. We cannot possibly sustain in this indulgence. As much as I want to do this forever, I know that at some point in time I will get bored, and I'd want something else, like... work. We can only truly appreciate these things when they're inaccessible.

Before the day goes by, happy new year to you, because I could use a lot of your mandatory response of well wishes to me in this year.