Growing Lazy

Reluctance is almost as insidious as laziness; they can be 2 separate things, but they're not exactly mutually exclusive either.

I have learned to be reluctant lately. If you don't know me by now, I'm not the lazy sort. In fact, I'd probably go the extra mile or many many miles just to get your stuff done for you, if I wanted to. But how can I do that, when all that I get in return is more expectations and greater anticipation? Like anyone else in the world, I only have 24 hours a day to spare. And even if I wanted to spend all of that my body wouldn't let me. I can understand now, how easy it is to decide on how you want to spend the 24 hours. The choice is, ultimately, and always has been, with you and solely you. No one else could tell you how to spend your time. They have no right, anyway.

Last week was hectic, with a supposedly long weekend that didn't seem long at all. My mind is so crowded now with the things I have to do and the things I would want to do and the things that I need to task someone else to do and the things I have to teach someone to do and the things that I can't do and the things I'd need more time to do and the... I'm sorry, I got carried away. Yea, you get what I mean. So damn crowded in there.

I remember mentioning before - every ORD ceremony has its magic. I'm one step closer, and one breath shorter. This time I see how my involvement wasn't really pivotal, or more bluntly, necessary. Don't think I'd underrate myself. I don't. But that's just how I see it; there wasn't really an active role that I was partaking, but everything else went on as expected and it turned out to be all okay. At some point in time we will all understand that no one is indispensable. Responsibility and accountability are things that can be cultivated in any person, if the individual tries hard enough and puts in the due diligence.

Relationships are so fragile. I can't mend what I've broken but I'll try my best to be who I think I should be. It's funny how people from so many different groups can see me in so many different perspectives. To some people I'm the nicest guy around; to some I'm the one they can depend on; to some I'm the one that's always busy, and you even apologise when you ask for a favour because you're afraid you've inconvenienced me; to some I'm the one to just make use of and that's it; to some they expect me to be able to know/do everything; to some I need to do their bidding just because I'm supposed to; to some I'm an asshole who tries too hard; to some it's as if I enjoy scolding people; to some I'm unreasonable; to some I always look stress; to some I'm unfathomable; to some, I'm just ordinary.

But I'm more than ordinary. I'm a superhero in the making. Imagine a life where you have everything you've ever wanted. Only then will you realise that saturation like that makes life pointless. It's just like achieving maximum level in a game, and maximising everything in every aspect of the game. The game is over. It becomes boring. There's nothing you can't do, and nothing surprises you, and you get tired of the same old thing because there's just nothing else that the game can offer you that will make you even slightly more interested in this thing of the past.

I feel like I've maxed out. Nothing really interests me anymore. And you know that, when the feeling of reluctance kicks in. I don't see a future in this, and you probably don't, too. The only difference is I can quit and you can't. I won't be selfish though. It'll be extremely selfish to think this way. I see you're beginning to see what I've been trying to tell you all along. It's not exactly too late, but it means that things are going to be pretty awry because the soil is already set.

I'm not gonna try so hard to make everybody like me. But I care that you don't hate me. Well, if you do, then I must say you've wasted my time on you. Life goes on. My life goes on.