Make the Cut

Oh gosh I think the ORD ceremony thing is hitting me again.

You see, I'm the perfect kind of employee. In my 1y2m here, I've never been late. Not even once. The number of medical leaves I take a year are less than what a hand can manage. The number of medical appointments I have are also within a hand's count. I voluntarily stay late to finish up my stuff, and if I can't I come back in the weekend to complete it. I've been law-abiding. I've been respectful and obedient. I'm as independent as anyone can get, and I rarely complain. I try my best at everything, and I answer for everything I've done wrong, sometimes even those that I haven't. I've been scolded a lot, but never was I once resentful. I've been humiliated a lot, but never was I once bitter.

It may even seem like I don't really care; but I do. In fact, I've been too patient with myself. I've always thought how people would judge me, but I've never realised, that it was I who have been too harsh on myself. Nobody expects this of me. I dug my own grave.

I was told that this organisation is special. I was told that if I could survive the shit that people rain on me in here, I could pretty much handle any other crap others have for me out there. I was told this is some sort of character training. But I was convinced that however hard you try there can only be little change. I don't know how I learned to believe that, but I do.

Every now and then I'd like to see myself as a teacher. I know how I always mention I want more for everyone around me, on how I think everyone can achieve a little more than what they think they can achieve - and then I'll be there to push you to your limits and set those higher expectations for you. Well, look, I'm sorry if I ever made anyone feel lousy about themselves, because despite all my insinuations and scoldings and lecturing I do know that these words - they hurt, like knives - can never be retracted and I cannot apologise enough for making all of you go through it.

Initially I was wondering: how on earth do the teachers get through the disappointment of an under-performing class? How can they not be emotionally affected that their class cannot outdo the "better" classes? How do they feel, and whether they have ever compared, or how does it feel like to know that the same amount of effort and teaching they give their class, given to another with higher aptitude, might bring wonderful results and outstanding grades? And then it hit me - like a full-blown hurricane - a revelation that I believe will be the answer I will accept.

They are not supposed to feel disappointed. They shouldn't, actually.

I admit that if I ever thought I was a teacher, I am a very horrible one. To know that there are limits to everybody's performance should have been the starting point of this endeavour. Who in the world gave me the right to put you down with words like that? Who on earth gave me the right to expect more than what you can give? I realise, albeit a little too late, that I haven't really been able to face the reality that not everyone is a A+ worker, efficient beyond imagination, hard-driven, full of initiative, enthusiastic. I can't even be enthusiastic about this; what gives me the right to demand that from you? Instead, I've been a hard-up idiot, a selfish bastard who cant commiserate with the struggles that you all face everyday. All I do is expect and demand. How easy is that? I forget how, as a teacher, if I may even be considered qualified after all, I should be encouraging. I should offer guidance. I should advise, but leave the choices to you, and trust that the ones you make are correct. Embrace your working style, forgive you for screwing up the things you didn't know how to do, reassure you when you feel lousy about yourself, and tell you I couldn't have done any better than you did, even if I could, because that's not the point. The point is not having everyone achieve my selfish standards, conforming to my style, to jam square pegs into round holes, or to make you feel inferior. Sure, this might mean lowering my expectations, having some disappointments here and there, but the point is to make sure everyone has a positive learning experience - one that actually makes you feel better about yourself. One that continues burning the flame inside of you.

I haven't realised how wrong I was until now. The moon will always wane and wax: the new moon, the crescent, the half moon, the gibbous, and the full moon - they all show the different stages of the same moon. So what if the moon was not always full? So what if seasons changed? These are things we cannot control, and it would be foolish if anyone were to think they could, because that's nature's very creation. People will learn to appreciate even the harshest of winters, and learn to tolerate the hottest of summers. Only time can tell whether this combination will be a success or failure, in which, actually, is not my call to make no matter how I see it. So let it go, I'll tell myself. Like you and I have pointed out: we see the problem, we let you know, we want to help you solve it, but it takes time. You may think we're stepping past our boundaries, but I don't care. The truth is the truth. What's the point of hiding it?

I could do the things I like. I could enjoy myself. I wouldn't tax myself on the things I cannot possibly achieve. I could have my secret discussions with you about how they would survive nonetheless - they always will, and they will find a way to - and I could stand by the side and watch the tree grow and bear fruits. All these, I believe, are the proudest things a teacher could acquire. Perhaps not all his students might get an A, but seriously, who's keeping scores? Perhaps all his students could get an A, but not all of them did, for known or unknown reasons, but I think at such a stage it's probably some personal choice already. It's like how you shouldn't feel bad for not buying from the uncle/auntie selling tissue packets at the hawker centre, because you didn't put them in that situation. Circumstances did, and it's not your fault. The best you could do is buy it to assuage the guilt you might feel, but hey, nobody's gonna point at you and call you a selfish bastard if you don't. If they do, let them. There will always be haters.

To end it off, I can finally tell myself to start on a clean slate. It felt good being the bad guy, though. For everything I do there is always a reason, and I will not blame you if you don't see it - because I deliberately concealed it. You wouldn't know how hard I fought to keep you, but it's okay. Nobody has to know. Let's just focus on how we can make the best out of the remaining of my time here.