It's like how, in a war, the soldier's only purpose is to follow the orders and commands conveyed to him and execute it without question, without hesitation, without regrets. To be put in a position where following the lead is your only choice. There are things that you can do, that I can't; and there's no way I could ever make a choice on my own. When all things fail, hardening my resolve doesn't dissipate my disappointment in any way.
Talking to you made me feel sane again, because I realise that nobody really knows how to cure this illness. It's like poison. It infiltrates your system and corrupts it from the very core, and then it extends its influence into the peripheral, rendering you stricken with agony and writhing in uncontrollable pain, dissecting your mind to make you believe that the pain will lead to an imminent peace, yet also suggesting that a long-lasting torment as excruciating as possible may well be here to stay. The ultimate question is: "When will this end?"
Happiness is only a choice when you're actually given one. To look at things with exuberant positivity is really a skill only known to a handful. In fact, some may even view it as self-justified happiness - or forcing yourself to be happy. Of course, we all want to feel good all the time, but as some people put it, you'll never really know happiness if you've never truly experienced sadness.
To the many people I see in camp I probably exude and radiate a sense of "emo-ness". But I'm gonna let you in on a secret: I've never once felt that way. Being frustrated is one thing, being disappointed is another, but being overly upset about something - I've never experienced that. To put bluntly, I've no time for that. Things in here happen too fast for anyone to mull over the irrefutable. Some things are done so wrongly, so grossly wrongly, that it disgusts me to even humiliate you for it.
Thank you for teaching me this lesson. I think I know my role pretty well.
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