Reality

Today marks the end of my 6-day ICT. I dreaded going back because this really is an annual disruption to my otherwise uneventful civilian life. But I don't know why... I seem to be bewildered by my inexplicable zealousness. I have been told many many times that I'm over-committed to a purpose too fucked up for salvation, and each time my verbal denial just doesn't correspond to my actions. I'm done lying to myself or anyone, about not caring. I'm done feigning nonchalance. The truth is doing this gives me certain sense of accomplishment and I feel happy, weirdly. I'm not siao on or garang or whatever; I'm just simply someone who likes to see a nascent ecosystem evolve and grow into something I can be proud of.

It took me 15 minutes to get back home from camp, and the moment I reached home I showered and changed into home clothes - all ready to resume the daily activities of my monotonous lifestyle. It then came as an utterly obtuse juxtaposition: it was that easy and simple to assimilate back into reality from a one-week hiatus. There was chaos and crises for one entire week, and then there is just peace - a calm I have been deprived of for a week. The lack of sleep and mad rushing tired me out but it was also invigorating in a totally strange sense. I know that the only reason I survived this was because of the people that were around. It also made clear that despite of how much joy this ICT brought, it's not my life. It will always be the holiday that I deserve.

In the end, I asked myself: What is there not to love? What is there not to be proud of? What is there to hide? From now on, I shall always be excited.