Farewell

At this point in time I think I'm no longer angry. I have better things to worry about.

When I said my lunch times are for gyming, you asked me "Lol one day don't gym cannot meh?" I almost flew into a rage, because if you can't give up mahjong on that night then why should I give up my gym for you? To be honest, I was extremely offended by that. And perhaps it had to do with me failing my driving for the third time, so I wasn't really in the best of moods. So that was what I told myself - I'm just PMS-ing and being a bitch about it.
 
When you told me you wanted dinner on Thursday night, I had forgone a game of Captain's ball at CCAB. So when you told me you couldn't make it for lunch on the next day either, I couldn't give two hoots about it. But then I thought about how I was probably being petty about the entire issue, so I asked you out for lunch today. Truth is, I was never the extrovert that had a Facebook full of friends. I thought about how pettiness like this would ruin the already sparse friendships I have, and decided to be the bigger man. I made a compromise.

I know you don't have time, and you know I don't, too. We're all busy people; we never have time for anything. But that's not how it should be. We make time for the things that we care about. When you make an appointment with someone, you keep to it, and that's that. I waited for your reply, and I watched the time pass from 1230 to 1300, from 1300 to 1330. I even waited till 1345 just to see if I could catch you for that 10 min. Alas, it was a wait that did not come to fruition. Never mind I wandered in town for an entire hour. Never mind not having proper lunch. Never mind that when you agreed to have lunch with me I declined my entire department of colleagues just for that. All I got was a lonely afternoon and lies I had to say about a "wonderful lunch" and a "delightful friend" when asked how it went.

You know how that felt? When someone else was your top priority but clearly you're not theirs? You wanna know how I felt after an hour of empty wait? It felt like someone punched me in the gut so hard it took the breath out of me for awhile, and I thought I could just lie down there writhing in pain. But the recovery was as swift as the pain that strikes you. As soon as the feeling was gone, I felt an emptiness. A kind of numbness. Then a wave of emotions overwhelmed me, as I thought about how excited I was, to hear about your itineraries, to tell you my plan to tour Europe, a possibility to meet there some time in May, and hug you goodbye because that's probably what you wanted. Well, none of that happened.

When you finally replied while I was on my way back to the office, telling me how terribly sorry you were, another wave of emotions - anger - surged through me. I thought I was on fire. I told you "It's okay have a safe trip," but it's not okay. I'm not okay. I was far from okay. I was livid with anger. I wanted to strangle someone, and if not you, anyone would do. But finally I was back to square one. Was I going to have an outburst and throw away a dear friendship?

I don't need apologies. I think I'm over that already. Call it over-reacting if you please, but that's how I feel. I don't want to get angry. I don't want to hurl abuses. I don't want to feel lousy. Who knows if I still have the strength for that? I'm so tired I don't even know if I can do this anymore. I've said this before, and I don't mind saying it again: You two are my best friends. Even if you don't feel the same way. For a part of me feared the loneliness that would ensue if I raged. Now I'm not so sure I'm afraid of that anymore. I think I might be better off alone.

I remember telling you that someday we might all outgrow each other. We might find our friends uncool, not spontaneous, weird, and distant. Maybe that's what it is. We've outgrown each other. No, you have outgrown me. And one day, pomelo, you might feel the same way about me too, but that's okay.

So I guess it's goodbye for now. Goodbye joanne.