Building blocks

How can I be honest with you when I can't even be honest with myself?

I've realised that I'm really not that good at consoling people after all. I don't even try hard enough. It seems that all I have to do is just shut up and pretend that everything is alright, and then hope that somehow you don't feel so lousy about everything else anymore. There has to be some other way; I'm sure, but I just don't have the flair and capacity in this aspect. All I do is listen and advise and learn to suck it all up like a vacuum cleaner.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to entertain the people around me. How did I even arrive at this situation? Well I'm glad, at least, that I'm not the actor you are. I've never liked those pretentious and flambouyant douche-bags who try to put up a show before others. I'm sorry that I'm looking at you this way because, honestly, I haven't really changed my opinion of you since the very first day we've met, although I've learned to accept this as part of your character. And frankly speaking, despite acknowledging your competency, I believe I'm more depressed by the sick impression you paint for me than the facade that you present as a glamour. Sure you might be talented, but you're poisonous and seditious at the same time. I've to admit - it's a love-hate relationship. Truth be told, there can only be one survivor and I think I've already surrendered previously as the substitute.

I am still a staunch believer of the extremities of the way of things. There is no middle range or limbo when it comes to commitment. You can be either a wholehearted and diligent person or you can be just paying lip service. To put short, you either give a damn or you don't. You will see what I mean, when you try to process this: "I think... I give half-a-damn." You don't seem like the sort and I certainly hope I haven't judged you wrongly, because there's something special in you that draws me so close and make me hold my breath just watching you progress, AND and and and and and, we're moving one step closer towards perfection :)

I can't stand how I try to be a perfectionist at times. It's insane - the amount of energy and time I spent deliberating and contemplating and musing and fine-tuning - I can only say it's exhausting. But it's all for the greater good, and it's only fair that I get rewarded for all the effort. My reward is simply the sense of accomplishment.

Weirdo...