My deepest apologies

I have to start posting stuff here only when I'm sane. I'm beginning to realise the amount of nonsense and ramblings I've posted on here only after so long -.-

It's a lazy Saturday afternoon. I'm alone at home. The sky is dark and gloomy. I have nothing to do, well, except writing this. An ill-planned Saturday is some sort of luxury that I think I would never have been able enjoy if I stayed in. Speaking of which, I am super-duper enthusiastic about traveling after I ORD because then I need to start getting out of this cooped up city and find somewhere peaceful and serene to spend a little time in. Everybody deserves a vacation sometime after such a long, erm, commitment. Haha I wouldn't use the other word. It's time I do a little self-reflection because I'm starting to feel like everybody and everything is changing. And when you feel this way, you need to start reflecting on yourself because you are most likely the person who effected these changes, if not providing a spark for. In short, if everything around seems to change, you might be the biggest changer, even if you can't really feel it.

In fact, this time I'm pretty sure it's me that has changed so drastically. Thinking back, I didn't use to be this guy here who would pen all these sort of things down. I wasn't the sort that would actually like English songs. I wasn't really into working hard for things I wanted. I wasn't really outspoken. I guess certain qualities I had in the past still remained, but I've generally changed as I compare myself now to who I was, 5 years ago. I might even use the word "evolve". I'm not sure for the better or for the worse, though; because in life, people don't usually tell you directly in the face - "Hey, you've become more of an asshole since the last time I saw you!" or "I think you've become a more interesting person compared to the last time!". The reason is because such sentiments were never meant to be proclaimed aloud to you. As you grow older, the people around you have the basic sense of maturity and propriety to realise that there is no need for such direct remarks since they could be implicitly conveyed through their choice of continuing to hang out with you, or desert you for "better" friends. True that when we were younger it was probably more direct than anything could get - I once told a girl in my class that I hate the way she acts as if no one was better than her - but we're not kids anymore. Grown-ups don't say that sort of stuff. At least I don't.

So how do I know I've changed too much for comfort? Because looking back I see how much things that didn't matter suddenly mattered. I see how my friends who wanted the same things as me 5 years ago are still with the same bunch of us in the past, but I've broken off and now rarely even speak to them. Sure, I still wish them happy birthday on Fb and stuff, adding additional remarks such as "It's been so long since we last spoke! How are you doing?" behind those non-genuine birthday wishes, trying to seem as if I still care how their life goes after these 5 years. Come to think of it, it's so disgustingly shallow. It's phony. If I really cared I wouldn't have lost contact for 5 years. No, wait. I'm gonna make myself feel better. I refresh this guilt every year.

I cannot determine who I will be another 5 years down the road. Maybe I would have lost contact with the people who are around me right now. Probably those mere acquaintances. But I'm happy to say I at least have friends who I know will be sticking around for a very long time. I can't say the same for you, because I thought this could be something but apparently you seem to be nonchalant so I shan't dwell on it any further. Try to know me for who I am, my friends, because even I have no idea who I'm gonna turn out to be. Please forgive me, for being such a fickle and uncertain ally, and for giving you false hopes of a long-lasting friendship. I am truly, sincerely, genuinely sorry.