Talk To Me

I have every reason to be ecstatic today, because I finally got my long-overdue driving license. I remember taking lessons since 2 years ago when I first started out this blog, and here I am now, after a hideous number of failed attempts, a certified driver. But I'm not here to celebrate that. I am here because something else struck me on my journey home today - a father-to-son conversation I haven't had in a long, long time.

This is probably the first place I'd come to when I need to let my feelings out. The only other therapy I've known to work is the guitar and sad songs, but that wasn't enough. This needs more. This needs words. This needs literary expression.

Perhaps I've been blinded by my own selfishness for too long, or that I've been hiding in my own silo for ages. I have never concerned myself much with my family issues because we were raised to not question about how things work in here. We never had to worry, frankly. But as I grew older, I realised we were never making ends meet. I learned today the kind of finances we have - my parents have, for that matter - and I instantly hated myself for not being capable enough to support them. It pains me to know that they have never stopped working, just because they had to. They had to wait for us to grow old enough to support ourselves.

A few weeks ago in town, I wanted to head over to my father's workplace for some coffee, but I didn't. Because as I was approaching his workplace, I saw him sitting at a table alone, eating his dinner in silence. I don't know why but at that time I felt a surge of emotions overcome me, and for that moment I had no words but a towering sense of grief. The tears were imminent, so I thought, but alas, I reigned them back. It was a particularly melancholic sight for me to endure, but I did.

I remember how this cold war started, but the truth is I don't know how to end it. I've been estranged for too long for anybody to care for me. I don't know what other ways to love them than to not burden them any more than they can already bear. I wish I had an answer, but I don't. I wish someone would teach me how, but there's no one. I wish there was another way, but there isn't. There are a million things that are going through my mind now; a huge swirling mess of concerns and other things to worry about. On top of that is my hatred for my extravagant lifestyle, my aloof attitude, and my lack of sensibility. I haven't been acting like I should, or fulfilled what I could. Instead, I am the exact opposite. I do all the things I shouldn't, and omit the things that I should.

I think I'm in need for a serious HTHT.