I keep telling everyone around me that I am a very idle person, but there are always times when everything significant just aligns at a focal point and I feel myself suffocating for some reflection time. Lately I started wondering if I have become boring. To be fair, I've never been particularly interesting to anyone anyway, but recently I just feel I've become one of those people who has a tag on my forehead that says "leper". Social interaction has never been my forte, though intimate conversations tend to delight me. Despite an inherent lack of allure and charisma, I shamelessly yearn for company at times. Is this the feeling of being lonely? (Sorry I suddenly have the Backstreet Boys song playing in my head)
The time will come soon when I have an alarming revelation of the number of friends I can truly talk to about almost anything. Maybe I'm destined to be that piece of drifting wood in a vast sea, subject to the mercy of the ebb and flow of the waters, carried off to anyone who just need a temporary hold onto something insignificant. I wouldn't even dare call myself a safe harbour, because people actually want to dock at harbours, and right now I'm as undesirable as can be.
I spent the last semester learning about self-esteem, self-efficacy, self-fulfilling prophecies, etc., but they all seem so pointless to me at the moment. All these methods on how to feel better about yourself, self-encouragement, self-belief - BULLSHIT. It's all self-aggrandisement. Realise how all these words start with a self- at the front? What if I'm tired of doing it all by myself? (Celine Dion starts playing here) At the end of the day, I get by like I have to, I exist even if I don't mean it, and I only serve to antagonise myself further each day as I see the mockery I am.
There are dark places where I roam without reign. Perhaps something is wrong with me. I just don't want to admit it yet.
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